Is it Time to Drop the Rope?

[ForMyHusband]

I don't think I can go on. I love him and miss him terribly but it seems that he feels and believes what he has with OW is REAL love. You can see my other posts to read my back story "Trying to Save My Marriage" but here's the coles notes:

1. Common Law Marriage 15 years, 1 child through adoption, 5 years old.
2. Struggles began (me going through somewhat of a mid life crisis) 2 years ago. I spent too much time with friends and did not give H enough emotional support
3. Tried for many many months to keep things going, marriage counselling, etc.
4. August 2012 found out about OW - H had apparently moved on from our relationship without telling me.
5. Continued to see OW while we lived together for 3 months. No arrangements were made in regard to our daughter, I mostly stayed home while H stayed at OW place, worked two jobs, and maintained his weekend and nightly hobbies.
6. I did not do well with DB techniques but tried. But there were many emotional letters, emails and conversations. H told me he was done with me, wanted me to suffer and gave me the "i love you but I am not in love with you" speech"
7. Mid November he moved out and moved in with OW. Packed up his things (our things) while I was away for work and left when I walked in the door. He did not tell D and made no arrangements for visitations or custody.
8. In the almost 2 months he has been gone, he has visited with D in our family home a few times and calls sporatically. Most times I have been home while he has been there.
9. I was trying 180s and NC as much as possible but was also trying to keep him involved in family activities such as coming to have supper with us, movies, games, activities, etc.
9. I tried to earlier this week to set some days/times for visitations based on advice from child psychologist. We had verbally discussed it around xmas time and we agreed to supper once a week and a sleepover/visit once a month since that was the status quo.
10. H responded indicating that he did not agree and he wanted to go 7 days on 7 days off as he said I originally planned which is false.

So that leaves me where I am at today, a complete mess about not only losing my H but now fearful of losing my daughter who I have been the primary caregiver to for 5 years now.

How can I NOT drop the rope when I now have to look at this man as the person who is trying to take my child away from me.

I am not sure if he is in an "affair fog" or if he really is in love with OW. I understand that they are not living in reality because my D is not involved in their relationship whatsoever but why should my daughter suffer so he can "see the light"?

[MrBond]

"My H has now told me he wants our D 7 days on/7 days off."

That's his right.

"I supported and helped me BE a father for almost 5 years and he's barely been a father in 5 months."

Let's be honest here. YOu walked out on them first which is what you explained when you first got here. He closed himself off because you walked away from both your H and your D. Just because now you've reached a revelation doesn't make the hurt he experienced go away.

"I have been her primary caregiver her entire life."

Again not necessarily true when you were going through your MLC.

"His life is roses obviously and he thinks he's in love with OW and they will stay together and he will form a new life with her."

Going back he really didn't have a choice in the matter. You left him emotionally remember? Of course he's going to get it somewhere else.

"There's no hope left, only a will to fight for my D."

There is hope but you have to stop thinking of it as a competition or a fight. He had very real feelings that were affected by you. Just because you've come to terms with it doesn't mean that he has. He loves the OW because she gives him love which is what you didn't.

If this sounds harsh it's meant to. It's the reality of what happened. He's not a bad guy, he's just getting what he should have been getting in the first place with you.

There is hope but you have to first understand his POV and be compassionate about it to a certain degree so you can see what your plan of action should be.