Moving Forward

[BC39]

I still find myself on here daily but haven't updated my sitch. I struggle with what to say so I'm going to try to start journaling.

My old thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2301952&page=1

Things have been going really well. W and I seem to be at a new normal. There's a lot of conversations that include things we'll be doing in the future. We laugh a lot. We express our gratitude when we do things for each other. We're affectionate with one another. (I'll try to get into more specifics when I get time)

Christmas was awesome with our kids, D7, S4. W was really on cloud 9, which was really nice. Our level of "togetherness" as a family felt amazing. (when our sitch first started one of the things W mentioned was she felt really lonely with me last years xmas morning)

I still struggle at times. For example this past week she has been "different". More quiet than normal, not as affectionate and outgoing, grumpy at times and short with the kids. In the past I would get quiet and a little resentful when she does this, but now I'm taking a different approach by trying to remain upbeat and keeping a smile on my face. I asked her a few days ago if everything was okay, she said everything was fine so I left it at that and refrained from asking her again. Every marriage has its ebbs and flows and I'm sure this is just and off week for her. Might be coming down from the high of Xmas season.

We still haven't had a R talk since our piecing "really" started just over 3 months ago. I'm not sure if this is good or bad. I've contemplated using J3B's line of "Have I been doing alright by you?" line but I haven't yet.

My anxiety has come back a little lately. Its been close to a year since I had it last, but have been dealing with it (anxiety/panic disorder)for over a decade. I'm really hoping it doesn't escalate as it will be a hurdle in our R recovery.

[GALbaby]

Hi Cor74..Had to say Hi because I can relate to what you have said. I am the same..always here catching up with the friends I have made and supporting them in their sitch...but not updating my thread either. I continue to read others threads to keep myself on track. The advice is helpful in day to day interations with H and all my relationships.

I call myself in piecing and have been for just over 4 months. I can relate about the occasional struggles with the R. There has been no R talk for us either. The jury is out on whether that is good or bad. There are some things that I can't let go but I am trying. I just wonder if "THE" talk would help me with that or if I will get over it in time. I remember Susan Page's quote about being right is the booby prize of life...then I work on trying to let it go. I am always battling the depression and anxiety, its a daily struggle. I am determined it won't affect the recovery of my M also and try to remain calm and positive most of the time. Certainly a 180 for me.

We have an additional stressor lately as my H left his job of 27 years (a contributor to our R struggles) and we have been working on a venture together. Overall, we are doing fine, but sometimes it gets too much. We could have done without the extra worry about finances and jobs at this time.

But onward we go, I would still rather be where I am today thanks to DB and the help here, than where I was 5 months ago. I continue to work on myself and be thankful every day.

Take care and good luck.

[BC39]

Last couple days have been the same. It seems we're kind of dancing around a general undertone of negativity. It has admittedly got me thinking something is wrong that she's not telling me.

I'm struggling with how to communicate with her. I approached her yesterday and asked her assertively if anything was bothering her. She seemed annoyed I asked (she doesn't like being questioned at the best of times). I said I'm just trying to talk to you, I don't want to assume everything is fine and not ask. She said she thought I was acting different the last couple days. I said I guess I was having a hard time not reacting to the way you have been. She said she thought she was reacting to the way I was being. I need to stop this dance.

A coupe minutes later I asked if there was a different way I could have approached the conversation which she seemed to appreciate. A couple minutes after that she came back into the room looked me in the eye and gave me a kiss.

Last night she took the kids to her parents house for a sleep over. First thing this morning she sends me a text "I love how funny you are". I said thanks and asked where that came from? She didn't reply after a minute or so. At that second, for whatever stupid reason, I thought she may not have meant to send it to me. I called her. When she picked up I knew she was wondering why I called and not just continued the text convo. I said I just wanted to see how your morning was going. We talked about other things for a couple minutes. Then she said "did you like my text"? I said yes thanks, where did that come from? She said I was just looking at pics online and the funny comments you made. I said thanks and we hung up. I then went to the site she was talking about. I hadn't made any comments on there. So I called her back again (trying to act completely normal). I said what comment was it that I made I cant find any. She then explained that it was from a few months ago but it just popped up because her mom just 'liked' the pic. Which I remembered from a few months ago. So I just tried to play it off, but then W said "sorry for stressing you out" and seemed kind of annoyed. I said "why would I be stressed out, I was just curious what you were referring to".

Dammit, that conversation didn't help.

I'm now alone in my house until tonight. I haven't been home alone this long since we separated for a month. All I can think of it that time and how painful it was.

We've had very little PA in the last couple weeks due to illness and her monthly visit. That hasn't helped either.

I really need to get my sh!t together and stop this negative train of thought. I can't let my perceptions of her actions affect me like this.

[scaredsilly]

I'm so sorry Cor. I know my whole sitch really put a damper on my confidence. I still have major trust issues because of it. I keep wondering if something I say or do is going to trigger my H's desire to leave again. It's very hard after a major "vow" is broken.

I am trying to just continue living my life and being the best I can be. If I'm satisfied with my actions and behavior, that will be good enough for me. As long as I'm kind, considerate, and empathetic, I'm good enough.

H will have to figure out what he wants and needs. I won't mold myself to please a mate any longer. That just leads to resentment and poor behavior on my part.

I'm acting "as if"...as if everything is good unless he wants to tell me it's not. If its not for me, I'll speak up.

I'm hoping time will make it all easier. I told H a few days ago that I missed the days when we were able to take each other for granted, in a good way.

[BC39]

GALbaby thanks for stopping by. I can certainly appreciate your situation. Sorry to hear about the financial trouble that must be difficult. I'd like to think for good people like yourself, that are having a hard time, that when one door closes another opens. Good luck with your new venture.

Thanks SS, your words could have came right out of my mouth.

[AnotherStander]

First thing this morning she sends me a text "I love how funny you are". I said thanks and asked where that came from? She didn't reply after a minute or so. At that second, for whatever stupid reason, I thought she may not have meant to send it to me.

This sounds like the anxiety talking. I'm sure you've been dealing with the anxiety for quite a while, have you talked to your PCP about getting something for it? Anxiety could really get in the way of your piecing.

Then she said "did you like my text"? I said yes thanks, where did that come from?

Times like this it might be good to fall back on your DB'ing techniques. Don't question her motives, just accept it as a nice "baby step" and celebrate it. If you have anxiety over every compliment she pays you, it's going to give her anxiety as well and she'll just quit paying you compliments.

She said I was just looking at pics online and the funny comments you made. I said thanks and we hung up. I then went to the site she was talking about. I hadn't made any comments on there. So I called her back again (trying to act completely normal). I said what comment was it that I made I cant find any.

At this point it's gone way too far. You've already called her once and talked about it, now you call her back to tell her you've conducted an investigation and have concluded that there is no evidence for this supposed "funny" statement you made and she needs to explain herself. In DB'ing terms you're applying pressure to her, and pressure isn't ever good, even when you've made it to piecing. So stop with the pressure!

I'm now alone in my house until tonight. I haven't been home alone this long since we separated for a month. All I can think of it that time and how painful it was.

Don't dwell on it, it'll just make your anxiety worse. You're very lucky, you're not S anymore. Focus on the good, not the bad.

I really need to get my sh!t together and stop this negative train of thought.

Exactly! Have you read The Happiness Trap? It has some great tools for learning to control emotions. I think it might be very helpful to you.

[BC39]

Hey AS! Your right ^^^^ just had an off week and was venting more than anything. Things have been better the last few days.

How are things with you? Haven't seen you post in while.

Journal:

We had our first argument we've had in a while this morning. She yelled at S4 this morning, he was being very whiny and hard to get along with, but she went overboard (she does this a lot)and I snapped at her to settle down (this isn't the first time this has happened). She was upset with me (as she has been in the past) for doing this in front of the kids. She asked me in the future, even if she is in the wrong, to wait until later when the kids are gone and "give her sh!t then". I agreed and we have seemed to move on quite well. In the past she had a hard time getting over disagreements. She's done much better since piecing.

[angel61]

Hi Cor, GAL baby,

just wanted to chime in that I'm in the same boat as you. Have been in piecing for quite several months now, almost a year (incuding major backslides) but still,no R talk. But I've let it go as well, the way I see it is that we both are still not ready for it, and we are still healing. There was an OW involved in our sitch, and I think if we really started talking about it, on both our sides the hurts and anger will resurface and harm our fragile R. Best to concentrate on whats going good for now - our new found amicable way of dealing with what used to be causes for arguments is a big thing. And I see that in your sitch as well... like your latest post, Cor, about your first argument. I agree with your wife there - wait till the kids are out of earshot!

My take on the piecing situation is that action speaks louder than words. I can see that my H is working his way back to me...and saying anything about it and expecting anything seems to pressure him and cause backslides. It also is the same for me....I also feel pressure when my H sometimes chides me for things that I know I should have done, or that I ought to change.

One key thing that I noticed in what your situations are, thats the same with mine, is that in all of us, our recations to situations now are better. We are all more tolerant of stressful situations, of low times, of arguments. I think more than anything that is a huge sign of improvement.

[AnotherStander]

Hey AS! Your right ^^^^ just had an off week and was venting more than anything. Things have been better the last few days.

Well that's good to hear Unfortunately life always has it's ups and downs, even in piecing

How are things with you? Haven't seen you post in while.

I've been posting in other threads, but I've been holding off on posting my own new thread because I'm waiting to see how things play out. I've been seeing some signs from W for the last few weeks and am not sure what to make of it yet. She signed us up for RetroV this weekend, hopefully I'll have a better idea of where she's going with this afterwards.

[GALbaby]

Thanks Cor, Angel. I wish none of us were in this situation but it does help to know we are not alone and at least we have had another chance to strengthen our M's, something many here don't get to do. As is always said here, we have grown. Let's continue on our journeys of discovery. Good luck to all here.