Marriage is a mess

[Melting]

No judgement here on any alternative lifestyle that two consenting adults want to engage in together. To 'successfully' involve yourself in that life, you need to have a solid, committed relationship and also be fully aware the dangers involved with sharing intimacy with more than just your partner. Polyamory is much different than swinging when it comes to emotional involvement, and IMO much more damage can occur to the relationship. I'm sure there are women out there who can separate sex from love. But they are few and far between. Once intimacy is introduced with another partner, that window is wide open and the risk for feelings to be magnified and shifted is great.

Additionally, once children are involved, the story takes on a whole new level. Your babies are just that, babies. They don't even know what sex is, nor should they. Alternative lifestyles are complicated enough for adults to understand, much less trying to get a 5 year old to comprehend why mommy is loving someone other than daddy right now. I would seriously recommend not having any conversation with them except if mommy moved out completely. Then only what would be age appropriate.

Again, no judgement here. If you and W want to continue the lifestyle, you need to ditch the OPs until your relationship is solid again. Then, have some serious discussions about whether your marriage is worth the risk. Good luck.

[AnotherStander]

The problem with our situation, is that right now there's not a lot of "poly" going on. Right now she is emotionally and physically distant from me, and I'm hoping that will change.

Right, that's why I mentioned earlier that it sounded more like an affair. IE, she's seeking love and affection elsewhere, not with you. I think you said it all right here:

I want her to stop seeing this other guy, and actually asked her to a month or so ago, and she flat out said she wouldn't. I'm hoping once we start counselling that's something we can address. Everything I read about open marriages and polyamory say it's not a good idea until you've worked on your own issues and have a stable marriage.

It just seems like an uphill battle trying to resolve marital issues when your W is emotionally invested in someone else.

[Marriageblues]

It's definitely an uphill battle, but I'm determined to save this marriage, even if it is a different form of marriage than before. For one thing, I still love her. And also, I firmly believe that children fare better with a mother and father present. I know from reading about polyamory that people have made it work, although many have problems the same as traditional marriages do. Jealousy happens in polyamorous groups the same as monogamous couples. They just learn to deal with it in an adult way and realize that we have an enormous amount of love to share.

The fact that she moved back into our bedroom, says "I Love You" often on the phone to me, and has been less angry, tells me I might just be making some strides up the hill I'm climbing.

[MrBond]

"Jealousy happens in polyamorous groups the same as monogamous couples."

So I don't get it. If you condone this lifestyle why does it bother you that she loves another person? You can go out and love someone else too right? It's going to be never-ending unless you get out of this.

And just to be clear, do your kids know about this type of loving and is this what you want to teach them? Only reason why I ask is because your W could turn things around and tell them that what she's doing is perfectly natural to get them on her side and shut you out as a "father figure" if she wants them to love the new guy.

[Marriageblues]

Well, that meeting with guy went much better than expected. It was a little awkward at first, but after we had a little beer and pizza the conversation really started to flow. We talked about our histories and what we wanted from the future, and he assured me he was comfortable being in a secondary role, and had no intentions of interfering with our kids. We talked about scheduling and practical things like that, too. I told him I felt it important that W spend at least a little more time with our family, and he wholeheartedly agreed.

We talked a lot about how important it was to keep this relationship out of the public eye as much as possible, and keeping it from the girls. He's a professional (actually we all are), but we agreed that it would hurt us professionally if word got out, because especially where we live (deep in the Bible Belt), most people would frown on our activities.

His W apparently had an affair before they talked about opening their marriage, and I could tell how hurt he was. I decided not to tell him about my W's affair, because I didn't want to portray her too much in a negative light. I figure she may eventually tell him herself, and we can deal with that then. I also didn't tell him about her bi-polar issues and depression. Again, I'll let her tell him when she chooses.

We didn't really talk about the issues between W and me, except in a very vague sense, that we're working on things and things seem to be getting better. He talked a lot about his divorce, and the events leading up to that. Apparently his W instigated the open marriage, and then later decided she liked her new guy better, and they could never resolve the issue, and so they moved into divorce. He and I both recognized the possible similarities to what's going on now, and he assured me that will not happen, because he's been there and knows the pain of being relegated to second place. Ironically, now his W is dragging her feet with their divorce, and having second thoughts now that reality is setting in. Turns out for her maybe the grass wasn't necessarily greener on the other side.

So I think things are getting better. When I got home, W said she was freaking out about things were going to go. I assured her things went well, and went on to tell her about most of the stuff we talked about.

[Marriageblues]

So I don't get it. If you condone this lifestyle why does it bother you that she loves another person? You can go out and love someone else too right? It's going to be never-ending unless you get out of this.

It doesn't bother me that she loves another person. That's what polyamory is all about. What's bothering me is that she's not showing me any love right now. My physical and emotional needs are not being met. And that's what we're going to be working on with a poly-friendly counsellor.

And just to be clear, do your kids know about this type of loving and is this what you want to teach them? Only reason why I ask is because your W could turn things around and tell them that what she's doing is perfectly natural to get them on her side and shut you out as a "father figure" if she wants them to love the new guy.

She better not do this. If she does, I would end this lifestyle lickety split, because I am their father and nothing is ever going to change that. They are my world. If W refused to end it, I would start divorce proceedings immediately.

[MrBond]

You can't "force" someone to love you. Now you see what the problem is of your lifestyle. Because your W has the chance to love others, she's going to keep doing that to maintain that 'in love' high and not look back at you.

My opinion would be to stop the lifestyle if you're bothered by what she's doing. You could very well go off and find someone else to love and take care of their needs and neglect the needs of your W. It's a unique CONCEPT to go out and love everyone, HOWEVER, it is simply not possible to see to all the needs of an individual while doing so.

Look around on this site. People are struggling with having their needs met by 1 person. Now what if that one person split their attention between 2 or more people? You just aren't going to get your needs met. If you fell in love with someone else, it's impossible to give equal attention to both. Plus everyone's needs are different so while you may make one person happy by giving them physical attention, you can't do the same with another person who may value quality time or acts of service. Sorry but that's the reality.

"What's bothering me is that she's not showing me any love right now. My physical and emotional needs are not being met."

See?

"She better not do this. If she does, I would end this lifestyle lickety split, because I am their father and nothing is ever going to change that. "

This is what will happen. You are already seeing it.

" If W refused to end it, I would start divorce proceedings immediately."

Then you're being a hypocrite. You condone and celebrate this lifestyle. This is the consequence. You can't tell her whom she can or can't love ESPECIALLY in your lifestyle.

[Marriageblues]

I think this lifestyle is very legitimate. Lots of people make it work every day. If you don't believe me, go take a look at Polyamory.com. It sounds as if MrBond is not a fan of this lifestyle, and that's OK. He's certainly in the majority, at least in this culture. But just because a lifestyle is not a majority lifestyle does not mean it can't work.

My wife is already showing signs of coming back to me, by moving back into the bedroom, by agreeing the counselling, by saying "I love you" repeatedly. I think she is beginning to see my value and beginning to see the mistake she has made withdrawing from my initially.

[MrBond]

I didn't say that it wasn't legitimate or pass judgement. I was just stating the facts about how relationships work. If you looked carefully at the situations on here, especially the ones that deal with an A you'll see it. This has nothing to do with "culture".

You said so yourself that you don't want her to see another guy or at least that specific guy. That's contradicting what you say is your lifestyle. You can't control what another person does which is what you're trying to do.

"My wife is already showing signs of coming back to me, "

This is a contradiction. Your W was never really completely yours because she gives herself to someone else same as you. You were feeling JEALOUS which goes against what you say is what you should be okay with.

"by saying "I love you" repeatedly."

Isn't this what she and you are allowed to say to other people as well? That sounds like it cheapens the meaning of love.

"I think she is beginning to see my value and beginning to see the mistake she has made withdrawing from my initially."

Seriously? You're that judgemental? Go back and read my post about how relationships work. As long as you choose that lifestyle, there will always be times that she will pull away or see that another guy has more value than you. That's just the way relationships and human beings work.

[MrBond]

Look at your interactions with your kids. It's the same thing. You simply can't give the same amount of attention to both at the same time. You love them both but you're going to have one feeling like you are giving more attention to the other. The website that you pointed out is filled with people running into the same problem.