Adinva: I don't usually put myself down like that, and it was partly tongue in cheek...but...I just spent several days in despair over completely imagined and mind read (incorrectly) problems. Context definitely needed.
Anyway, it's good to start a new thread on a positive note.
I don't feel qualified yet to give advice here, but one thing I will say: that rule : Don't believe anything WAS says and half of what they do, I believe might have a corollary: Don't believe your own thoughts either.
At least it's true for me.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
W had offered to come over today after her C session and help put away Christmas stuff. I of course said yes, but wondered to myself if maybe that wouldn't be the most fun time to be around her.
Sure enough she was kind of down when she got here, over the stressful week and emotionally tiring C session. Didn't feel like doing the planned chore and neither did I so we just had a short visit.
I had made a pot of my famous chili which she raved about.
Today I was really good about not pursuing, not clinging for her to stay longer. I have been working on getting refi on house this week, she very helpful on the and other few things we needed to discuss.
She is scheduled for C every Saturday. She is healing, I think. I'd help her if I could...but today I think all I can do is support her through the process and be here for her. She vented some frustrations about work, some insecurities...give me a chance to be supportive and reassuring.
I always try to, but I think I need to adjust how I do it. ie she might say "I'm not so good at xyz I'm a little worried..." and I might say "bullcrap your smart and skilled you can do that easy." which technically is an encouragement but also too abrupt and dismisses her feelings.
So much to learn.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
This past week I have maintained a pretty even keel. For my own development, my focus has been on studying for programming exam I am going to take, finding work, and "getting my act together" regarding goals, planning, etc. these are the main things I can do to be ready for R.
My crazy train recently stemmed from not having work and not being busy giving me too much to think about.
W visited this morning, because we are refi the house and she needed to provide some signatures and docs. I spoke her LL (AOS) by preparing omelets. We did papers, then she stayed a while.
Some R talk: she can't come back and watch me suffer through frustration of rejections on any job leads. I made commitment to self earlier to apply for at least one job/day until employed. My business isn't going to provide enough. I know that any job, even min. Wage would help.
Then, I engaged in some "forced snooping" and found that she has been spending money like crazy. My mind reading reflex of course kicked in and I imagined terrible things about who spending on/with. I'm typing terribly fast so I can move on from these thoughts.
I received some wise counsel and think I will be able to stay off the crazy train.
Isaid forced snooping because we had to turn in 2 months of banks statements, she started a separate account, and had to indicate where transfers were and what was payroll deposits from my business. I wished I had given that job to her.
That's over. Banker says prob a shoo in for refs, and will save $400/month.
She is coming over Sunday. She has C Saturday.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Status: trying a different approach re:being on this board every day...I think my road map is clear. Trying to keep head clear also. I'm notified when my thread changes, though, so please chime in...
I am applying for EVERY job, even 7-11 type stuff. Landing just one will get me started. Side work has run out at previous gig.
I spend my time studying for exam-got a 90% on a practice test, applying for jobs, housekeeping. Oh and let's not forget worrying. Now that i know she's spending like crazy that's a whole new set of junk in my head.
I am also going to develop a simple software for my business and post it on line as part of my resume' so I have a little proof I can actually do this stuff.
W visited Sunday. C has told her to set boundaries, told her book to read. She set a time limit on visit and stuck to it. I felt "managed". Did not like it but did not complain. Cooked for her. It's really the only AOS I can do for her right now.
W bringing pizza tomorrow but I will probably not be here.
We have been texting about S16 and school. He is in bad shape. Bad behavior, bad grades, bad attitude.
W is coming Thursday and we will be trying to get through to him w/set of goals and responsibilities to make his life better. W/and I are in agreement, no driver license or driver ed until he is responsible and respectful.
Much of his behaviors could fairly be attributed to following my or W's example. Not going to say that to her. She told me she offered to him that she move back to SIL so he could stay w/her. If only...
W still in C every week. I still feel fear bubble up at random times. I am so impatient. I want my family back.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Posting this just to keep myself honest, and not pretending I'm doing everything right...
2 mistakes today:
1. W spent day w/me in waiting room while S16 had some pretty major dental work done. I think it was about 3.5 hrs. She had also come to house for breakfast and talk w/S16 to try and motivate him. I was 180ing so hard my head was spinning. He got extremely disrespectful. I stayed extremely calm. Now he's on Vicodin and very mellow. Should have waited for the talk . My mistake was getting a little needy when W decided it was time for her to go. I had to leave for business soon after, and wanted her to stay w/S16. He looked a wreck at that time. We had a very good day also and I didn't want it to end. Didn't verbally press or anything once she said no, but my countenance changed, probably noticeably.
2. After W/left I went to mailbox, on my way out to business. Envelope from her work. Been wanting to get early start on tax return so ripped it open hoping it was w2 or year end paystub. It was paystub but not year end. Everything had zeroed and restarted for the new year. Except I noticed 2 days leave used. Those of you following my sitch can probabably guess what I did: that's right, MINDREADING. And as usual it sucked. I spent my working hours fuming that W had gone on a trip or something w/OM, meanwhile going to C and telling me she is working on getting things right. I did make the decision while working that I would not confront her about it.
When I got home I looked at it again, more closely, and saw that there were also 2 holiday days as well. Christmas, New Years Day, paid holidays. CHristmas eVe, new years eve, leave. There is a gap in time on leave being charged. She hadn't hidden anything from me after all.
I hate hate hate not trusting her, but it's my reflex now. I have always had trust issues. I've only ever completely trusted her, and my parents. And I really enjoyed trusting her. I hope I can get that back.
I am so glad I didn't confront her on it, and I know at some point in the past I would have. It would have set us back for sure.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
I get you, labug, and i didn't read hers before either.
One of our first times talking after DDAY she said make sure I opened all the mail.
Obvious personal stuff I've been holding for her without opening...cards and such.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Well W popped in for a visit to check on S16. Probably better if she hadn't. His swelling going down-great. Fixed her breakfast-great. Chit-chat great.
Asked her to come over tomorrow night----....."I'll see what I'm doing" Well I think WTH.....so I'm not getting anywhere on expectations either.
W:counseling tomorrow will be emotionally tiring. Me: ok that's why I said tomorrow night, so you can veg out for a while and come later. W:I'll see what I'm doing. Me: Feel like I'm being managed. For 4 months we've talked about nothing but your feelings and your healing. I need to heal too. W:me 2. Can't come back here and feel like I'm the one fixing it. Me: what is the IT? W:I don't know everything. Sorry I make you feel managed. Me: Im not asking you to come back, just come over. We need to work on things together. W: I just feel like I hurt everybody I touch. (Me in my mind: WTF, everyone you SHOULD care about hurting is right here in this house) Me I'm sorry I didn't want you to get mad or down.
I do feel managed and I feel led on sometimes.
Sometimes I wonder....what if I walk away? Leave the kids and the dog like she did. Will she step up and take care of things?
Maybe tell her I'm not doing a damn thing else. I'll be back when she's back. See ya.
Lots of holes in that plan, I know, but I still wonder.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
. My mistake was getting a little needy when W decided it was time for her to go. I had to leave for business soon after, and wanted her to stay w/S16. He looked a wreck at that time. We had a very good day also and I didn't want it to end. Didn't verbally press or anything once she said no, but my countenance changed, probably noticeably.