The ups and downs of DBing

[lionhrt]

Hi Wendylon,

Hope things are well.

'He hasn't shaved in days and I haven't said a thing. That's definitely a 180 on my part. I'm usually 'on his case'.

^ great.

'Earlier this week H worked 35 hours straight and didn't come back overnight'

^ I think this is where boundaries may come in though if he is staying our overnight without saying. Its one thing not being around at meal times etc but I think this is showing disrespect...unless he let you know in advance of course.

'I got annoyed today as H spent the afternoon out and came back smelling of alcohol. I managed not to say anything though. I had a little rant about the tenant who moved out this morning leaving the flat a tip. I was hiding my irritation at H behind my other irritation. I also had a rant about the other tenant who is a hoarder. I suspect that H knows me well enough to know that I was pissed off with him but he won't know for sure...'

^ this sounds a bit passive aggressive to me. Your are angry at H so instead rant about a neighbour....but your H suspects you it was aimed at him. I would have kept quiet...if him drinking bothers you that much then I think you need to set some boundaries......or just let it go, but either way I wouldn't generate a bad atmosphere by ranting about something else to H...when the real reason is you are really angry at H...because it makes everyone in the house uncomfortable. For me if you hate it that much set a clear boundary and be prepared to follow through. If it were me I would act 'as if' unless he is being abusive.

'He's signed the property transfer documents so it shouldn't be long before his late mother's flat and one above hers are properly in my name. Whilst it is a big responsibility and I've never been a landlord before, at least I'm more in control and I'm sure I'll eventually get more rental money than H was getting. His income can go to paying off his debts and his living expenses, and in due course to paying for family treats. At least that's the plan'

^ sounds like you are in control of the finances. All good stuff.

'I went to see a specialist this week re my morning anxiety. He's put me on a drug I'd never heard of before (Mirtazapine/Remeron). I'm hoping it will help. I've only been on it 3 days so hard to say anything apart from fact that I'm really sleepy. I read that lots of people put on tons of weight. I'm not keen on that but I haven't noticed increased appetite so far.'

^ glad to see you are getting help. If the weight worries you can you exercise more?...or ask for another drug?

Wendylon unless I am missing something how is your GAL? Appreciate you are busy and I know special needs S is a handful but how are you meeting new people and looking after yourself? Have you become/becoming a new you and how r u going about it? What is your comfort zone and what are you doing to take you out of it? Whats your bucket list and what have you done to fulfil it whilst H is in teletubby land?

Sorry if I missed anything on earlier threads re this ^.

But it sounds like you are still caught obsessing about your H. Where he is, how he smells, how he looks, has he shaved, where he has been etc. My understanding of detachment...and I may be wrong so would be useful for others to chip in....is that it will only come if you really throw yourself into GAL.....and I can't see it from your posts. Also, if certain behaviour is really bothering you and it is disrespectful to you, then set a boundary and be prepared to follow through....rather than making a comment about it or having a rant about something else when everyone knows it is about H.

Let us know how the anxiety drugs go and all the best. You still have great strength and glad to hear you are making progress with you.

[Wendylon]

Thank you so much, Rkyfat, for your comments--incredibly helpful as always.

You are absolutely right: I am still focused on H a lot of the time though I think I'm becoming a bit less so. It's probably the effect of my new drug

I'm sleeping more though so need to get to bed.

Thank you again, Rkyfat.

[Wendylon]

It's been ages since I've updated though I've been reading the boards.

I think I'm detaching slowly but surely. I'm also wondering whether I'll stand for much longer. H came home late again tonight. He'd been drinking (which I knew would be the case) so has stayed completely away from us since coming home. In fact, he snuck in through the basement door. I feel like telling him that he can move out if he wants to. He claims he isn't depressed but can easily sleep 12+ hours and not feel refreshed. Maybe he has chronic fatigue. He's hardly working.

I'm just back from visiting my grandmother for a week. It was actually really nice to be away and to have a change of scene. I figured out that in the last year I've only slept away from my bed 5 nights.

While I was away, H sold his car for £350 and is now using mine. While I don't use mine much, I still expect it to be available for me when I do want it. There was no discussion about it. We got into an argument about it yesterday.

He's basically selling his possessions one by one. He's listed his coffee machine and his bike. He's even listing things on eBay that were bought with joint money such as speakers. He'd hit the roof if I brought that up. I'm letting it pass.

I find myself imagining what it would be like to be without him. I imagine he'd still help out some with S14 and drive D16 and S18 around when needed. Whereas I used to want him to want to spend time with me, I'm not even sure I do want that anymore.

Since he's given me his main asset (his mother's house) in exchange for me paying off his debts, I'd probably have to house him somehow. Maybe I should see a lawyer to find out what the financial implications would be of D-ing. The cheapest would be to keep him at home and not get D-ed.

I don't feel tearful about it. More curious to see how this all pans out. I'm tired of waiting for him to hit rock bottom. I'm not even sure he'd bounce back from rock bottom at this point.

[tori2012]

Wendylon, I felt the calling to check the boards now, and there you were! I only have a few minutes to write bc I'm meeting w my web developer, but wanted to send you a huge hug and to remind you to honor yourself and your feelings. You are an amazing woman and deserve an amazing life. Your H is not in a good place...but this doesn't mean you have to be, too. Continue being in touch with your feelings and the answer(s) will come to you in time.
(((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))

[Wendylon]

Thank you so much, Tori. I love that you posted back so quickly. I feel warmed and encouraged by your words.

It's actually really helpful that you're carrying on updating your sitch. It makes it so clear that life doesn't end with a D.

I wonder whether part of my thinking about asking H to leave is to jolt him into realising what he has to lose. Then again, he may not be jolt-able. It's impossible to know whether I'm better off standing or asking him to leave. As you say, the answers will come in time.

Thank you again for your words, lovely Tori.

[tori2012]

Wendylon, I wanted to share this article on TinyBuddha that might help you (and many of us) who have a hard time being patient with ourselves and with the process of figuring out what to do next.
Not sure whether the board allows to share links, but here it is:
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/power-patience-let-go-anxiety-let-things-happen

[Wendylon]

Thank you very much, Tori. It was the perfect article for how I'm feeling now.

It all came out Sunday morning. He apologised for Sat night and said that he's been drinking and sleeping because of his debts (that he's kept hidden and lied about until yesterday). It turns out that he owes 33k and isn't earning much at the moment, because he is too stressed. I was horrified but said that I was glad he'd told me and that I wanted us to work it out together. He was thinking of using some agency that charges 15% of the debt in exchange for freezing accounts and negotiating some repayment deal. I thought that sounded like another bad idea. He really is delusional though because he keeps talking about how he'll soon earn more, that stuff is in the pipeline, that he's owed money...

I've had a few more convos with H about money since yesterday. I was v clear that I would try to help out with his debts in exchange for transparency. He says he wants to go for that option but won't actually show me his bank and cc statements. He won't show me his bills. I don't call that transparency.

Reluctantly, he emailed me with the breakdown (in round figures) of his debts: inheritance tax (from his mother's death 9 years ago), 4 overdrafts and 2 credit card debts. I still don't call that being transparent. I'd need to know that the accounts were closed and cc destroyed. I'd want to try to make a deal with all his creditors (if that's the right word). I don't know what he's hiding. It might as well be an A.

I've asked him several times to be honest with me about money. He's incapable of it. The only problem is that he would have a lot to gain financially by Ding me.

He slept all afternoon and hasn't spoken to me since his last email which I didn't respond to. Earlier today, I asked him about exact figures and he snapped that this wasn't going to work if I was like a terrier that wouldn't let go. He's right, it's not going to work because he still won't come clean. He can get help elsewhere as far as I'm concerned.

I was awake in the night and felt so furious at him. He seems pathologically weak and deluded. I'm not going to initiate any money talk now. He is so used to denying and avoiding problems that I bet he can last a fair bit longer without bringing it up again.

He managed to make it through supper with the kids but he'll make sure we're not alone together tonight so that the topic won't come up.

I'm not quite sure how to apply DB principles in this sitch. His debt/spending might as well be an OW. He is secretive and doesn't want to give it up but will pretend he does. What a mess.