The ups and downs of DBing

[Wendylon]

I hope this is the link to my last thread:

Last thread

I've been back DBing since Aug 2012 and there is definite progress but still some situations that go very wrong that I need to learn from. Pre DBing, I would have just thought that H was being a d!ck and that I was hard-done by. This approach got me nowhere good so I would appreciate feedback on the times that go wrong and ideas of what I can do differently.

We just back yesterday from a family long weekend away in a rented house.

The positives:

• H joined me when I was in S13's bed and I was in a sandwich hug--both of them hugging me while I was in between them. H hasn't hugged me in bed for ages so that was huge.

• H knew I was meeting my mother for a hot chocolate in my favourite cafe today and he 'dropped' by and joined us and had a coffee. He was very nice to my mother (he usually is but he sought us out). My mother thought he looked very well and much more relaxed than when she'd last seen him.

• At times, during the holiday I noticed that H was smiling to himself contentedly.

Things to work on:

• H got angry at me for waking him up during the holiday. At my proposal, we'd agreed that he'd organise supper on the second night with S17. He went up to 'read in bed' at 5.30 which I thought was a terrible idea. At 6, he was still sleeping so I woke him up to get supper on the road. He'd agreed earlier that we would aim for a 6-6.30 supper. He was aggressive and complained that I wasn't letting him manage supper and would I please get out of his hair. He even said that if I was hungry, I could prepare my own f*ing food. I just left the room and he got on with supper and it was ready by 7.

• H rolled his eyes impatiently last night when I asked him a few things. First, I asked him to sign a bday card, then I asked him if he would be willing to be the person to answer a questionnaire do do with S13 and school and finally asked him about something to do with me installing a new printer. He said, "Will you stop harassing me, I need to go to the bathroom". That seemed so incredibly lame, self-centred and unreasonable. I just said, "Fine, don't help me with the printer, I'll figure it out myself". This morning, he asked what the issue was, started working on it and then make it clear that he had more important stuff to do. I actually left the house before he did which I think was good. I often hang around when he's home and not in his study because it's such a rare event. When I got back, he'd already left the house.

Right now, he is playing table tennis with someone he does IT work for. He still isn't home (nearly 9 pm). I imagine they'll go out for drinks after their table tennis so who knows when he'll get back. We're now watching The Bridge which we're both really enjoying. I imagine though that staying out with his friend/boss will trump us watching an episode of The Bridge.

[KarenR]

I am glad there has been some progress. When you are stuck as to what to do next, one of Michele's DB coaching can be extremely helpful. They are experts at helping you take it to the next level. If you haven't spoken to a coach or if it has been a long time, now is a good time to call. We are offering a $30 discount on any coaching package. Take good care!

[ForeverYoung]

Those are some nice positives you listed there Wendy. I believe you can thank your fine DB efforts for where you are now. It's true, it only takes one partner to initiate change in the marriage. Or like Michele says in DR, It only takes one to Tango.

Regarding the cursing at you and rolling the eyes thing, you'll want to set boundaries (with consequences) on that, or you will continue to get more of the same. This must be done in a very calm, non confrontational manner. If he gets upset when you do this you don't engage. Just tell him again what you will not accept and exit the situation. He'll get it.

[Wendylon]

Thank you very much, FY, for your encouragement and feedback.

Things have been pretty smooth. I'm doing more than my 'fair' share with S13 and the house at the moment but I'm getting lots of pleasure from it. I figure I'd be getting zero help from H if we were S, so I'm being more independent and autonomous. Instead of asking H to do his share, I'm just doing what I feel like doing.

My 180s are quite satisfying to me and get H's attention at the same time. For example, I set up our new printers with all the house's laptops and put them on the network. H said something to the effect of him being out of a job with a smile. Even though he's traditionally the IT person, I realise he doesn't like to be asked to do things. I like feeling that I could cope without him.

I've also been selling our old ink cartridges on Amazon. I've recouped ££ which could have been wasted. Again, I've enjoyed that. Also, I'm pretty focused on my 2013 goal of going paperless. It's keeping me busy and a bit detached from H.

Last night, H showed me that he still has the business card from the diner where he proposed to me 19+ years ago. His words were: "See, despite everything..."
He also asked if I'd noticed that he's had no alcohol since Jan 3. Knowing him, I don't expect that to last very long but it is nice for now.

[StubbornDyke]

Wow! Looks like great progress to me. (And good job on the printer!)

The challenge is to appreciate the improvements without being overly attached to them continuing. There will be ups and downs. Cultivate the long view...

[tori2012]

Wendylon, checking in as I travel back home. It seems you are now on a good path, so the next step is to work on the issues that brought your M to a bad place. I would start writing down the changes you want to see and communicating those changes---one step at a time and when you know the conversation will be well received.

[Wendylon]

Thank you, SD and tori, for stopping by and for your feedback.

I'm really not sure what the issues are that brought us to a bad place are. I know that my nagging H has been v destructive. I'm doing that a lot less. The other day, I got anxious because he was running late and he got fed up and said something about the old me rearing her head and being back. He thinks I'm the most emasculating woman on earth!

I've noticed that the more he's in the wrong, the more he gets angry at me when I call him on it. I'm not sure how to get what I want without annoying him.

He keeps not having any spare change on him and needing me to bail him out. He's always bad-tempered about it when I feel that I should be annoyed. He also gets annoyed when he can't find his belongings. Again, I figure it's his problem and I'd help him but I feel that it's unfair of him to act frustrated as if it's somehow my fault.

I've been doing a spring clean of all S13's old educational materials. There are thousands of laminated flashcards that I made (to teach him language). I want to give them to S13's school and just as that was about to happen H said he wanted to think about it first. I was a bit incensed. He's never made educational materials for S13 and wouldn't even know they existed if I hadn't cleared out his cupboards and brought them downstairs. It's the same with loads of sequencing materials that I made. I announced that he could look through them. He said nothing for a few days. I then offered them to a therapist who works with other autistic children. She was really pleased to take them but H says he 'caught her about to march off with them' and stopped her. I said I'd offered them to her and his response was 'You could have asked me first'. I had!! He still hasn't made a decision about them.

I now look after our medical insurance. We have a silly scheme whereby we get 50% cash back for consultations. I've been chasing H for a receipt for ages for one of his appointments. You'd think he doesn't want the ££ back. He is the epitome of non pro-active!

Apart from that, H did meet me at 'my' cafe today unexpectedly and kissed me on the mouth when he left. So there are some good things happening. He met my friend who I see there nearly every day. They seemed to hit it off (although she knows from me how frustrating I find him) and he was being friendly and charming. He offered to fix the cafe's internet (for free) so ingratiated himself with the staff there too.

Any feedback appreciated. There must be things that I'm not seeing that I could be doing to improve our R. I am on the right track but feel as if things have stalled a bit. He's still not drinking which is nice.

[tori2012]

Wendylon, bring up what is bothering you when you're both calm and relaxed. For example, if he's running late, let him run late and deal with the consequences, and then bring up how that impacts you and the R at a future time.

Work on communicating more openly. Maybe you could've said you were thinking about offering the materials to the therapist bc you assumed he wasn't interested in keeping them, and he would've corrected you.

Praise the positive, verbally and physically. Let him feel good about himself when he's with you.

Keep up the good work, my friend.

[lionhrt]

Wendylon you look like you are making great progress.

Have you thought your husband is angry with you because he is angry at himself? he maybe frustrated/angry with his own issues but not have the energy or whatever to do something about it. When you remind him it might reinforce the negative image he has about himself. Have you ever had a period where you know you should have done something but did'nt or forgot...and the last thing you want is someone reminding you of that...because you aleady know and are angry at yourself?

'H rolled his eyes impatiently last night when I asked him a few things. First, I asked him to sign a bday card, then I asked him if he would be willing to be the person to answer a questionnaire do do with S13 and school and finally asked him about something to do with me installing a new printer'

'I'm not sure how to get what I want without annoying him.'

IMO I would ask very little of him if nothing at all. Keep things calm and reward his positive behaviour. Don't ask anything from him if you can help it. Give him the space and time he needs and if he is irritable at something he has done ignore him and carry on. As Tori says he needs to feel good with you.

Just my opinion but him being non-proactive, has he always been like this or could this be a sign of depression? His irritability, sleeping and general lack of enthusiasm sound like some sort of depression to me (although don't mention it to him). He might just need to find his own way out which is again a reason maybe to hold back putting any pressure on him about day to day things or reminders.

You know looking after special needs kids is exhausting both physically and mentally and even though you are doing most of the work and holding the family together he may have hit his brick wall. I know I did a few years ago and admired W for how she kept going. Unfortunately I think that is partly to blame for some of the resentment she feels now. We all have our limits and he may have just reached his even if he does not say.

Just a few thoughts but he does sound like there are some great positives to build on.

Take care

[Wendylon]

Thank you v much, Tori and Rkyfat, for your great advice.

You both emphasised the importance of him feeling good around me. Sadly, I think I'm backsliding under the pressure of his annoying behaviour.

H is 'sick' which never goes v well. What he calls 'sick', I call needing to take a couple of paracetamols. He cancelled a training session at the last minute yesterday (thereby having to pay for it anyway). I knew he had one booked for today too so suggested he cancel it. He got angry and said I treat him like a fu**ing moron. Sure enough, he cancelled it at the last minute today and was pissed off with the trainer for not being sympathetic enough. Said the guy had a shelf life. I was thinking that H is the one with a shelf life. I mentioned that that trainer finds it hard to charge when people cancel which is why his text seemed abrupt. H then lashed into me about how I'm always right and would I just shut up and go and enjoy being right. I just went on doing my own thing.

He then said he had a lot of stuff to do and didn't want to talk about any of it because it would just make him angry.. I bit my tongue because he actually had extra free time because of cancelling his session. In fact, that may be why he cancelled his session: to catch up on reports. He's gone to a meeting.

I'll see him at parents' evening at D15's school. I sort of wish he were too sick to go. Right now I feel frustrated with him. I find him self-centred, immature and extremely unappealing. BDing energy is at an all-time low

I'm sure you are right, Rkyfat, that H is angry at me when he is angry at himself. He must be angry at himself a lot. I would be too if I managed my life the way he does.