I so glad I found this forum, it gives me hope. Here's my story, it's really long. Background: H(34), me (32) and we have 2 kids (S12 & D9). We have been together for 14 years. I haven't read the book, but am planning on going to the library to get a copy.
Any advice would be appreciated.
For me, it started 3 years ago, 10/2009. I intercepted some facebook messages from one of H's coworker on H's phone. They were a bit too friendly, but nothing alarming. Then a month later, I got several text messages from our friend. He asked me to talk to my H about the night before. I called H at work and he played dumb. Then later, I got a knock on my front door, the family "friend" and her husband. She was bawling and apologizing profusely. I didn't understand. Eventually, she confessed that she had been texting with H but they were just friendly. I didn't think that warranted her reaction. So while she was in my home apologizing, H came home from work and walked right into it. He couldn't deny it. They left and he confessed though several hours of talking that they were flirting, then sexting and finally, pics had been exchanged. Nothing more. I was furious, hurt, devastated, the whole spectrum... I couldn't believe he did that to me.
In the following weeks, during my "investigation" I told him I was going to pull his text records and he confessed that our "friend" wasn't the only one he had been texting, although she was the first. He had been texting 2 of his coworkers, including the 1 who's messages I had found (I guess that was the beginning of that relationship). All this texting happened during a 3 week period and he claimed nothing happened physically, it was all by phone.
We didn't do counseling or anything, we just talked it out and eventually everything got better. Things went back to normal, we were finally comfortable again and putting it all behind us.
Then in June 2012, he totally ignored my birthday. I was hurt and upset. I went online on a gut feeling and saw that while he couldn't take the time to call me during the day, he had placed several calls to an unfamiliar phone number, I wrote it down and forgot about it. Several days later, after a night out I found some flirty texts on his phone that he had sent to another family friend. She didn't respond to his advances, but that prompted me to ask about the other number. He denied, denied, denied. I texted the number from his phone and found out it was one of his coworkers that he had been sexting with back in 2009. He gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and "I haven't been happy for 5 years". I was so upset, he ended up going to his mom's for several days. He spent that time crying and begging to come home. He said they'd only been texting for several weeks and it wasn't as much as before (I checked, about 100 texts over a 6 weeks period). After several days, on Father's Day, I agreed to let him come home. Again, he cut off contact with her, or so he told me...
He went to individual counseling (7/2012-9/2012) and we went to marriage counseling (8/2012-11/2012). Through all this time, he always seemed insincere in our sessions, like he was still hiding something. Finally, he said he didn't want to go to IC anymore. While there, he was diagnosed with anxiety and depression but refused meds. I thought we were making some progess in MC so I was confused. I ended up going to 2 counseling sessions alone. Finally I started reading some books.
In August, we started arguing a lot more. Since then, he has asked for a divorce numerous times, threatened to move in with his mom (she said no), and requested time and space. In Oct., I sent our kids to my parents for a week and I told him I would stay out of his way at home. He agreed but he ended up spending the week "romancing" me, cooking me dinner, taking me to a movie, etc. I was confused. At the end of the month, we went to a halloween party thrown by a coworker. "She" was there, and I noticed that H became distant. He left me sitting alone, constantly going to the rr and not coming back. He wasn't affectionate like he usually was, and I knew something was going on but had no proof.
Then at the beginning of December, I found some "sexts" on his phone. I asked him about it and again he denied, denied, denied. Later that evening, he became uncharacteristically violent and his phone was broken.
He spent the following 2 weeks without a phone, and his behavior became tolerable. He was no longer stressed, anxious, or mean. He was apologetic, polite and seemed to be normalizing. We actually talked quite a bit and he was opening up to me. He still denied that he was communicating with that same coworker, and told me that he couldn't continue counseling anymore bc the lies were too much to keep up with. He told me he wanted a divorce, and he had no desire to put any effort into our repairing our relationship. He said he was no longer interested in me. He requested more time and space, and we agreed that I would take our kids to my parents for several days during X-mas break.
Then he got a new phone and almost immediately, he changed back but worse. On X-mas eve, as I was looking through his phone and stumbled upon a fake facebook profile he had created and OW was his only friend. I asked him and he couldn't deny the proof anymore. He said they were just friends, nothing more. That he wanted his family and he would work on us when we got back. I was emotionally empty and just went to to my parents as previously agreed. As I was making the 6 hour drive, I needed some help so I called him. He ignored my calls and texts. Later that night, he confessed to me that he went to see OW to "break up with her and say good-bye."
During our time away, he called me and asked that we come home because he missed us and he didn't need anymore time. I told him I could extend my time if he felt like he needed it. He said no, he was sure and that he was ready to work on us. I came home, but could see that nothing had changed. That was last Sunday. Since then, he has jumped in and out of reconciliation everyday. He hasn't stopped messaging or talking to OW. He wants more time and space. He is all over the map. He's asked for D several times, then wants R.
I'm so lost and confused. From my research, I believe he is experiencing a midlife crisis, and I hate that his emotions are controlling us. I don't know what to do.
I am hopeful because he's still talking to me even if he's being rude or mean. He hasn't left the house. He has left the bed for the past 2 nights, but he's been coming and going for the past 3 months. I really want to keep our marriage intact and I don't know how or where to start.
I read up on the 180. Usually, I am distant but when we talk, its serious discussions. He usually initiates contact: face-to-face, text, calls, etc. The 180 for me includes making more small talk and initiating more of the communication. I started this after reading about it here.
Last night, he went to bed early in DD's room. An hour later, I was going to say goodnight to our S and overheard him talking to OW. I listened to his side for a bit, he was telling her about his feelings, work, and our M. I was upset because he has this easy conversation with her (that should've been me). When we talk, he's short and rude and he has his walls up. I left. After 15 minutes, i went back and said goodnight to our S next door. H had the door opened and I said goodnight to him. Then we started talking.
He admitted that I was confusing him with my new 180 attitude. He then told me that he's sure he wants to be alone, not married. I said ok, but I was glad to see he noticed my change in attitude.
I would really recommend to read Divorce Remedy as soon as possible. Order it from amazon if you have to. It really helps give you some perspective as to what happens in these situations. More importantly, if you're open to it, DR offers gloss and solutions the will benefit YOU, no matter what happens with your H.
DR has helped me with he choices that I've been making that have put me on the path to improving my own life.
Good luck with your sitch and I wish you the best for you and your family.
M33, W35 T: 8 years, M: 6 years S6, S3 9/2012 "I need space" 10/2012 "I want to separated", "ILYBINILWY" OM, EA likely PA 11/2012 "I don't see hope for our M" 12/2012 I begin GAL & 180s
He couldn't deny it. They left and he confessed though several hours of talking that they were flirting, then sexting and finally, pics had been exchanged. Nothing more.
This "nothing more" attitude is pretty common among WAS's, as if having an emotional affair is OK as long as it doesn't become physical. But as you've learned, emotional affairs are just as devastating to a marriage as physical affairs.
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In August, we started arguing a lot more.
Read DR, it'll give you some advice on how to work through issues without letting it turn into a big argument.
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During our time away, he called me and asked that we come home because he missed us and he didn't need anymore time. I told him I could extend my time if he felt like he needed it. He said no, he was sure and that he was ready to work on us. I came home, but could see that nothing had changed. That was last Sunday. Since then, he has jumped in and out of reconciliation everyday. He hasn't stopped messaging or talking to OW.
You cannot get the M back on track as long as he's in contact with OW. You need to set a boundary that if he's serious about R, that needs to stop. It also sounds like maybe you did not have a good MC because it sounds like your sitch did not improve despite months of C. You might consider trying to find a more appropriate solutions-based MC and/ or consult with a DB coach.
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I really want to keep our marriage intact and I don't know how or where to start.
Start by reading DR. It will give you the roadmap. Also go to the top of this forum and read Sandi's stickied thread on the 180 DB tips. Print them out, read them several times a day and LIVE them.
I too am new to the forum, and am reeling from the EA and other nonsense. I have read DB 2x and have it highlighted...lol. looking forward to DR arriving in the mail.
On Sun, my H said he didn't think he wanted to continue MC....doesn't feel much has changed. But, I have a list of "baby steps" of things he has done....what my MC called building blocks. I will go to MC solo....reading and rereading Sandi's sticky and doing my 180.
H came home today and wanted to talk....said he would try a new therapist...can't make any promises...figures we can give another try with new MC...but 2 years of him feeling this way is a.long time. I told H that this is the most we have talked like this....ever...and no tears from me!!!
Yea, I need to set boundaries. I went to our local library today, they didn't have a copy there, but I requested one from another library. I hope it arrives soon.
Today, he was off work. We spent the morning in separate parts of the house. Then I went to the library alone. When I came back, he became attached to me. We watched a movie, went to lunch and watched another movie. Apparently, OW claimed I was sending her anonymous emails which she forwarded to H throughout the day (no). He showed them to me and every time I picked up my phone, he was watching over my shoulder or asking if I was sending an email. I felt like he spent the day with me to keep an eye on me for her. It was nice to spend time with him, but it didn't feel right due to his constant questioning.
I thought it was crazy that even though he spent practically the whole day glued to my side, he still asked me if I was the one sending her emails. I feel like she was doing it to keep tabs on him and to try to stir up conflict between H and me. His fog is so thick he doesn't realize how ridiculous her claims were. On the plus side, thanks to her, H and I spent the day hanging out, which for the most part was nice.
He's still sleeping in D's room. Tomorrow is his B-day. D stayed up late baking her dad a cake, while he "went to sleep" early.
The 180 has been hard. As I said, for us, he was usually the initiator of conversation but I was usually the one who filled it. Now, I'm initiating more and I think he likes the extra attention. I've also kept my side of the conversation short, making him talk more. He kept commenting that I'm being weird.
Aside from OW's messages to H & H's questioning, today was one of the better days we've had. He did make several mentions of "being free" and needing to find his own place to move to.
He walked out tonight. He told the kids he was leaving because he had an affair. They cried. He showed no emotion while the kids cried, it broke my heart He gave them quick hugs and left.
What can I do other than console my kids? I told them I love them and their dad loves them, he just won't be here. How do I handle this?
He gave them quick hugs and left.