Confused by WAS

[Grizz]

Hello all. This is my first post but I have been following others for the past several months. Here is my story.
I have been married for 14 years. I would say that by far the majority of it has been great. Approximately 5 months ago my wife seemed to be distant. I asked on several occasions what was wrong and received the reply of "nothing, just stressed". On a side note, about the same time she did have some very stressful situations going on at work and was very nervous, angry and upset over them. Very soon after, she developed some health problems (nothing very serious but still painful and very stressful also). The health problems lasted about 3 months and are actually still lingering a little. Job situation is no better and maybe worse.

Over the next several months I continued to press her as to what was wrong (I feared it was me) and no new answers were given. I then asked a close friend of hers if she had noticed any changes in my wife (she had). Long story short, my wife finds out I had asked the friend and she blows up! That was early Oct. Very tense at home after that. The beginning of Nov she tells me that she has spoken to an attorney about a divorce. Says she just doesn't feel the same about me as she used to. Her feelings are gone. Says she has not been happy for several months.

I admittedly did all of the things I should not have even before that point. Meaning attempting to SHOW her how much I loved her (smothering her) when she started becoming distant. This seemingly pushed her further away.

Things were no better throughout Nov and December. Now, last week, she has told me that she has filled out the paperwork for the divorce but has not filed yet. We had a long discussion about the kids (D7, D4), finances etc. No arguing, no begging, just a straight forward conversation about the issues but with alot of crying from both of us mixed in especially when we discussed the kids.

She really cannot afford to file right now however. Meaning, she does not make enough money to support herself. She is looking for another job and has applied for several over the past 2 weeks. I have been supportive of her finding a new job for a long time. She should have quit her current job years ago but the flexibility was great, she loved her boss but the money was poor. I think that her feeling like she is unable to leave only makes her want to leave more. She really resents the fact that she has to rely on me and cannot leave even if she wants.

To the present. The house and our relationship is awkward to say the least. We don't fight or argue (we really never have). We continue to go about our lives, especially with the kids, as we always have. The kids are not aware of any problems. She did start sleeping in the other room last week after our discussion about the divorce.

I have read DB. I have recently started to detach. This has caused a change in her. She has talked more since it started. Yesterday she asked to lay with me in bed for a few minutes. She held my hand at church today (initiated by her). I have really tried to detach. Honestly because I can't see this divorce not happening. She is so matter of fact when discussing it with me or her friends. I was doing good at starting to detach (looong way to go) but started to get better, until she does things like that (holding hands, laying with me). She has asked why I am being so distant to her recently (like she should have to ask). She has cried three times in the past two days because of my detaching (not talking so much, spending more time away from her such as with the kids or doing housework). She gives me the impression that she thinks I am being mean to her. I have not been rude. There is no arguing. I am just trying to distance myself from the sitch.

So, how do I detach when she tries to pursue even more? How do I detach without seeming cold or "mean"? What do I tell her when she asks why I am being distant to her? If she wants to show me affection, do I go with it or pull away? How far do I let it go? Do I try to show her affection in return? I feel like I am only in this marriage until she finds a job and then she is gone. She says that, "yes the job and her health issues have made her very unhappy and stressed but that is not why she wants a divorce". As I said before, her feelings for me have changed. If this is true, I want to detach as quickly as possible so I can be as ready as possible for when that day finally arrives. She is just making it very hard for me to detach. If her feelings have changed then why should she care what I do. It should be a blessing that I am detaching.

I did not state this before but I love my wife with everything in me. I do not want to get divorced. We have had a great marriage up until the last 4-6 months. However, I am really starting to resent the fact that I feel she is essentially just "hanging around" until she can get another job and afford to leave.
Thank you in advance for anyone's insight and suggestions that you may have.

[SM34]

We have similar situations in that we have small children and a wife that cannot move out on her own because of finances. My wife is seeing an OM though so a little more complicated. However a lot of the principles are the same. I would recommend you click on my name, then click on the see posts. Then change pages to the very last page and read my first post and all the comments that follow. Keep posting updates and some of the veterans will be sure to chime in soon.

Hang in there!

[SM34]

Oh and I think you are in a very good position to turn this around. Your wife still shows affection by holding your hand. What issues does she have with you? What personality quirks do you think bother her about you? Also if you haven't read the 5 love languages, do so immediately. Figure out her live language and ways to show her love but without pursing or pressuring her.

[Grizz]

Thanks for the reply. I have been reading alot of your posts. Definitely some good information in there. One of my biggest problems is how to detach when she still shows affection toward me. Is the affection out of a feeling of guilt for the whole sitch or is it true affection? Who knows? She has told me that she feels bad that i am sad/upset. Who wouldn't be? I so want to detach so when the end comes it MAY be little easier. I know, she is confused, I am confused and I have know idea which direction to go. I would love to show her affection in return but I am afraid she would see that as pressuring. Also I am afraid to return the affection because that only makes it harder for me when then end finally arrives. So many questions with so few answers. I will try to find the love languages book to read.

[Grizz]

One other thought. This weekend is our "dating" anniversary (23years). We were high school sweethearts. We have always celebrated this day and made a big deal out of it. With all that is going on, how do I acknowledge this day. In the past it would be dinner, gifts, etc. I have no idea on how to approach this weekend. Any advice?

[MrBond]

"With all that is going on, how do I acknowledge this day."

You don't.

Is she still keeping away from you?

[Grizz]

She is sleeping in another room but she does show signs of affection ( holding hands, laying beside me, kissed goodbye on cheek this morning all initiated by her). This is why I think I should at least acknowledge it in some way.

[AnotherStander]

One of my biggest problems is how to detach when she still shows affection toward me.

Detaching is all about NOT reacting to what your W does. What you're experiencing is the distance/ pursuit dynamic. Your wife was distancing and you started pursuing which just made her distance further. But when you stopped pursuing, reversed course and started distancing, she started pursuing you. But don't read anything into it, as it says in DR these are simply baby steps. Celebrate them internally and continue with your DB'ing. The idea is to not go on the roller coaster ride that your W wants to take you on. If you react to your W's pursuing by pursuing her again, guess what? She'll go right back to distancing. She's trying to keep you tagging along as plan B.

Is the affection out of a feeling of guilt for the whole sitch or is it true affection?

Hard to say, but probably neither. She's just trying to keep you hanging on while she pursues other options.

One other thought. This weekend is our "dating" anniversary (23years). We were high school sweethearts. We have always celebrated this day and made a big deal out of it. With all that is going on, how do I acknowledge this day. In the past it would be dinner, gifts, etc. I have no idea on how to approach this weekend. Any advice?

This subject comes up a lot regarding birthdays and anniversaries. When my anniversary came up I asked W what she wanted to do about it if anything, she said "I don't know, it's all so weird." So I suggested that we just go to dinner, not to celebrate (since we were separated) but just as an acknowledgment of the anniversary. And that's all we did and it was fine. So you might just ask your W.

[MrBond]

Then acknowledge it, but in a VERY small way. Maybe just a simple card. But don't expect anything in return.

[Grizz]

Thank you for the replies. AS I like what you said about detaching is not reacting to what your wife does. I may have been playing the ignoring/cold spouse too hard and thinking that that was detaching. I have tried to be more responsive over the past couple of days and it has gone well. She fell asleep in our bed last night as we were watching tv with our girls and she didn't leave. I won't get too excited over this though as she may have just been too tired to move. I did not mention it to her this morning either. Baby steps, I know. The hardest thing is to not get my hopes up. Don't expect anything. Oh well, keeping praying, hoping, wishing and DBing. Thanks again for the insight.