New to DB~~seeking insight

[juliegayle]

Hi. Something you wrote on another thread sent me over here to read your story.

I was so sorry to hear about the loss of your twins. Im glad you found support.

I recently was talking to a friend and asking why my H was running away (away from me and family and to alcohol and OW). She pointed out all the pressure he had been in over years. Ongoing medical issues for S, miscarriage a few years later, 3 year unemployment(him) cancer scare and surgery (me).

I am not making excuses for my H or yours. Just one thing to consider when trying to piece this all together.

Also some very wise people on this board have advised me not to try to assign any meaning or motive to anything H does. It is hard to stop but I def feel better when I can.

[KikiDoll]

Julie,

Thank you for your comment. I know the death of our babies had a HUGE impact on H, more than i knew then. I now realize that NO ONE could have felt what I did...my grief mattered most. I think that was how I survived. i never meant to make H a causality. Now this by no means excuses him for this cr@p, but I can understand it more clearly. I just wish he would seek IC.


I made it 2 days without any calls or emails to H...huge for me! I almost caved a few times! When i picked up S at my parents, he called H. Told him we were on the way to the dentist (5:30pm).

At 6:15, my cell rang (H), I finished appointment, then called H back, as he is always calling to chat with S.

"Where are you?" *sounded annoyed (H was on way home from work)

I said. "I had a dentist appointment."

H, "I thought it was S's?"

Me, "no, his is tomorrow."

It's funny, but H doesn't like it when I am unavailable...more incentive to keep on going.

[Lll54]

Just wanted to let you know we sound similar...especially the "basket case" comment. Ha. I am not in any position to offer advice at this point but to keep on keepin' on. You sound like you are doing all the right things.

I'll keep up with you to see how you are doing. This is my second time back so you would think I would have some expertise in the matter given I busted my divorce last time. But I'm back...and clueless as ever

Good luck to you

[KikiDoll]

So the last week, I have been doing some serious DB....no calls, emails or texts. Somewhat delayed responses. Upbeat attitude, no questions etc.

Today H email me something about our new health insurance, so we had to talk about a bit. About an hour later, he emails to ask about S and when he was getting dropped off to him at work (late shift for me). Then he emails if I wanted him to go shopping for groceries (his week) with S. Sure!!

When he got out of work, I had a text "call me." CR@P!! here we go...so I called him back and he said, "S wants to go out to dinner after shopping, do you want to go?"

After I picked my jaw off my desk, I said, "Sure, but I work unitl 7...I'll be home around 7:45..is that Ok?"

H said, "Yeah we can just walk around the mall if we get done early."

DB...somethingis WORKING! I will remaind calm..no expectations...pleasant conversation.

**On a side note, H and I going Christmas shopping for S tomorrow night...and he only has to work on Sunday...much differnt than last weekend!

[Mimi00]

I hope dinner and Christmas shopping goes well.
Keep up your PMA, no R talk, and "acting as if" your happy to see your H and H will be happy to see you and that you'll both enjoy the time spent.

[KikiDoll]

Survived Christmas shopping with H...not as awkward as last year. H seemed tired, cranky, but a bit more invested than last year.

I should get an Emmy for asking as if...it probably killed him ..or annoyed him!! Oh, well, it helped me cope.

Mimi, thanks for the pep talk...I never talk about R. I think I am too afraid ..is ignorance bliss?