I posted in newcomers but I'll do the full disclosure thing as it pertains to this board more... married for 21.5 years. Two daughters ages 17 & 15. I'm 40, husband is 43.
We had a great marriage for a lot of years. And I thought we weathered the bad years and were strong and committed. Silly me. Husband left in July 2012 and I found out about OW Oct 2012. Affair started I'm pretty sure in June 2012, EA probably since spring 2012. He's living with a friend about 45 min away, I'm pretty sure the relationship with OW continues but I don't talk to him anymore so I wouldn't know either way.
We liked to vacation a couple times a year and had THE BEST romantic trip in August 2011. Fully fell in love all over again. When he left, actually, he said the last time he felt close to me was on that trip. And I said, it wasn't even a year ago! Anyways, life with our daughters fully took over and I was way too co-dependent and wrapped up in their lives. We weren't happy. As my therapist says, "he checked out a long time ago" and I see that that is true. He stopped feeding the marriage and I reacted in anger. He retreated from our family and worked all the time. Literally, he had a few months where he was only home for a few days the entire month. I begged him to not work so much but also admired what I THOUGHT was his commitment to our family and future financial goals. Our daughter is going to college next year.
Anyways - here's where I'd really like to get an opinion on - and what I haven't discussed with ANYONE except my therapist... we were in a similar situation 12 years ago, at that time he had 2 jobs and I worked full time and our kids were little and we fell away from each other. He had an EA with a girl from work. I found out early and was desperate. I realize now, after being married to this man all these years, that he needs more stroking and was feeling neglected. Probably this time around too. He was always so confident and didn't portray any weaknesses. He also DOES NOT communicate, so I'd never know if he was feeling vulnerable. And I was 100% sidetracked with having to be a single parent because he was always gone. SO, 12 years ago I was young and when I found out he was calling and meeting another girl I did a desperate act and took too many anti-depressants. It was exactly 16 pills, I remember very clearly (not exactly life threatening). I wanted him back, and it worked. We changed our lives, I quit working and he quit his second job. We spent time with our young girls instead of having a babysitter at the house all of the time. We spent time together and we truly became better team parents. It wasn't always my way anymore, and we relied on each other.
So life proceeds and we get back into the same patterns as before 12 years later. I didn't see it coming, but was seriously unhappy. But I thought we were still waiting for the next opportunity to reconnect. We were never a couple who yelled and had crazy fights, but the resentment grew. I resented him working so much. And I was terribly lonely. But I didn't think a thing about my taking too many pills until Oct 2012 when he brought it up again.
He had left the house in July and it was such a shock! I asked him in Sept if he would go to therapy with me and he agreed. But it was obvious after the first appointment that he was just going through the motions. And he had OW which I found out about that same week. But he said that he didn't know why he left, he didn't know what he wanted, but he thinks about the night I took too many pills and he can't forgive it. He says he felt back then that I was giving up on him, on our daughters, and that he slowly stopped loving me.
When I'm feeling at my worst, I feel so responsible and I believe him. But the reality of the past 12 years is that we were happy. Is that just my interpretation? My kids think we were happy, I have albums and albums of happy pictures. He made me the most loving video with pictures and songs just last year for Valentine's day, saying how much he loved me and our family. I felt appreciated, until the last 18 months. We were a team. We were strong co parents. We were best friends, we enjoyed laughing and hanging out. But something changed in late 2010 and he started drinking too much, when he wasn't working. I started taking care of myself and lost 60 lbs and went to the gym every day. I started being disgusted by him because he would work or drink but was not into our marriage anymore.
But I get 100% stuck at - is he going through MLC? Or do I believe him that he can't forgive my actions from 12 years ago and let him go?
Sorry this is a rambling mess. I'm working so hard to GAL, I've read the DB books, thought I was going in the right direction - but if there's nothing to work for I need to figure that out. Let me just add that, for anyone that knew my husband, he is the LAST man you'd ever think would abandon his family. He has always been the definition of integrity and honor. He had everyone's respect and it is so far out of character. Funny, I've always said that without thinking or remembering the REASON why we were where we were 12 years ago, because he emotionally left our marriage then, too.
Hi Reb. I'm aorry you find yourself on this site, but you will find good support and advice here.
Forget 12 years ago. He's just using that as an excuse for his present behaviour. The issue then was resolved by getting back to the basics of family first, jobs second. My H does the same thing. He forgets that he has done worse in the past and I stuck with him through thick and thin, as I'm sure you did with your H. My H is very similar to yours in his non-communication. It is so irritating when they won't speak and tell you if something is wrong.
You know, M is a road of peaks and valleys. It cannot be sunshine and lollipops all the time. There will be times of grief, but that doesn't mean that one should go outside of the M to find consolation in someone else.
You mention that you started taking care of yourself in 2010, losing 60lbs (good for you, btw). Perhaps that made him feel insecure, leading to his drinking, etc. But, you know, he's a grown man. He could've said something. He made the choice not to. You don't fall in love all over again the one year and the next couldn't care less. I do suspect it could be MLC or depression. It's difficult to say.
My advice, for now, is to give him his space. Your daughters are old enough to carry on their own R with their dad, if they want to. While you can continue on GAL. Every couple of weeks you can contact him and test the waters. Don't discuss your marriage, or beg him to come home, or any negative, pursuing actions. Maybe, just a text or email discussing a family matter, like one of your daughters or financial stuff. Note his response, if any.
Just make sure you are financially secure, and consult a lawyer for your rights. Just in case. Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best.
Good luck, and hope things turn out okay.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Reb, Our H's are so similar. Right down to the 12 years between events. Mine is also a workaholic and non communicator of feelings or problems.
He is also a runner, just as yours seems to be. They use overworking as an excuse to not have to deal with family. All the time telling themselves they are doing their share because they're great providers.
All people go through life transitions every 7 to 10 years. It's when one of these transitions go off the track that it becomes a crisis. Your H, like mine, may have been headed toward a crisis 12 years ago. You unknowingly may have interrupted it with the pill taking. I believe I interrupted my H's crisis with an unplanned pregnancy.
That said, you can delay the crisis but you better believe if they're interrupted and programmed for a life crisis which often happens at mid-life, it will happen and often with a vengeance.
Typically, and there is nothing typical about MLC, there are childhood issues that weren't dealt with or resolved. What was your H's childhood like?
I agree with BeingMe that your H sounds depressed, but know that depression permeates the whole of MLC. It is like having a perfect storm of depression, hormonal upheaval, and unresolved issues that hit the person right around the same time that seems to catapult them into MLC. They become someone you don't recognize.
You are the only one that can determine whether you believe your H is MLC or not. Cadet will be along soon to give you reading material. Read all you can as it will help with your decision on whether it is MLC. It will also help you deal with it.
Just remember if it is MLC, nothing you did caused it and you could do nothing to prevent it. MLCer's were broken long before we ever met them, therefore we didn't break them and we can't fix them.
One more thing, if it's MLC it will most likely be measured in years versus months. You get to take your own journey while your H is away on his. The gift is that you get to take it sanely.
You sound strong and are there for your girls during the storm, good for you! Keep the focus on you and your girls and you'll be fine no matter what you decide to do.
Thank you thank you for the replies! I've been on a roller coaster of emotions over the past 6 months. I was in pure shock at first, then angry, then back to shock all over again when he brought up 12 years ago. This man has been an emotional brick for so long, for him to delve into his feelings and try to have insight was so touching to me! The man I married was vulnerable and loving and that lasted for many many years.
But I can sense that he has closed down over the past 12. I know I did also but it was a reaction to his neglect and being left with raising the girls. But I feel like I know the core man and this isn't what he wants. I feel deep down that it is a MLC. He obviously has/had unresolved feelings about 12 years ago that he didn't know how to process and it made him shut down. But we were still in love during that time, we still had fun times together and we still had a deep bond. It wasn't a married graveyard for that time, far from it. So I have to believe that he is STUCK.
I watch his posts on a chat website that he doesn't know I have the password to... I've done pretty well detaching but I need to drop this last really bad habit to be fully detached. It makes me feel like I know what's going on in his head though... but anyways, there was another poster just last week that was having marital problems and my H counseled this guy to get a book called 5 Love Languages (we read last winter when things were rough). He told the poster that he wished he'd read it 12 years ago and that he "couldn't forgive an unforgivable transgression" and that made him leave.
No, the reason you left is a girl named Christie... but it does point out that he's stuck. And if he's stuck after 6 months and doesn't want to be un-stuck, there seems to be little hope he'll figure it out on his own. I begged him in the beginning to get counseling, to get help. He did go on his own twice but that was it. He will always use work as a distraction. He loves his job more than his family. And now he'll be in his busy season again starting in February so this will just go on and on until he does the work.
And at the end of the day, I do believe someday he'll get it. But I personally think he'll be too proud to ask to be forgiven. And he'll miss the last few years of his daughters at home. He hasn't seen them for a month, was supposed to have plans with them today but cancelled to work instead (all this extra work has always been optional). So as a very dedicated mother, can I forgive someone treating my girls like that? Even if it's someone I love deeply?
He went to 2 counseling appointments on his own and 2 with my therapist where it was suggested he was depressed. He denied it. Said he has felt depressed days and doesn't walk around with a storm cloud over his head. I think he's depressed, it leads to him drinking and isolating himself from his family. I think he was depressed for the last few years. He had knee surgery last winter where he was off work for 6 months and our relationship was not doing well during that time. But he ACTED like everything was grand. I think he's been acting for a long time. But depression is definitely a factor.
And he has no relationship with his family at all. None. He only has a mom & uncle. No siblings & he's never known his father. His Mom is also a little nutso and after our daughter was born we got into an argument and didn't speak to her also for 12 years. And then after she reached out when our girls were 12 & 9 he would tolerate his mother once or twice a year but they never talked about what happened & certainly didn't make up. He has a lot of issues that he thinks he can just deal with by burying them instead of resolving them. And his insight on his chat website last week about the consequences of unresolved feelings is sometimes promising, but there is still a disconnect with - what are you going to do about it?? I personally can't understand why someone would want to be stuck and live with pain. For years! Deal with it, fix it, resolve it & move on. He seems so lost now.
My H sounds just like yours...poor communicator...works all the time. Closed his business a yr ago n went off the deep end. Started new job but got laid off from that. He says he was always unhappy...yada yada...they seem to all say the same stuff. Im not crazy..I never heard a hint of how miserable he was until he bailed on us for OW. My H had a horrible childhood...mom left him when he was 15 n dad never around. Too busy getting married 5 times. I often wonder if he has unresolved issues that he never discusses.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.
I would not ask her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
My H still hangs onto how I allowed the UPS guy damage the garage 15 yrs ago. It's not about you, he is trying hard to justify his bad behavior. One event, 12 yrs ago, didn't compel him to do all this. Stuffing his true feelings for years and years, now there's a compelling reason! Ultimately, the affair is his bag, not yours--don't let him pass it to you.
I have two daughters too (10 and 18). :-)
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
My husband had a OW for over a year n was cruel to me the entire time. Yet..he is so angry at me n continuously focuses on the fact he knows I told family n how dare I. I refuse to admit anything or who I told to him bc frankly its not his business. He makes me out to be the bad guy. I feel bad for telling family but at the time things were so bad n I needed the support.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
