I am new to this forum, but my problems aren't new to me.
My wife and I have been together off & on (mostly on) for over 4 years. She has two boys (18 & 23) that live with her and I have a 14 year-old daughter that lives with her mother.
We were common-law married for over 2 years, at which time we separated at her request for reasons that were vaguely presented to me at the time. (Counselling for her.. needing some space for her, etc.)
We continued to see each other and we both acted like we were still together in all ways except living arrangements.
Long story short, she began acting (but not actually saying) like she she was wanting more freedom, but still remain a couple with frequent talk of reuniting under the same roof. I began to feel like I was being used for security & comfort and put this to her, which she adamantly denied.
We would go through a regular cycle of getting along fine, then arguing and spending days apart with minimal communication.
During one of those periods I discovered that she had begun seeing another man. I confronted her and she insisted that it was merely a friendship and that he was a "wise man" and a very nice guy and that it was purely platonic and that I was just jealous & insecure. Well, further discussion (arguement) ensued where her story started to fall apart with the untangling of several lies that she told me surrounding this man and the circumstances of them meeting.
I formally terminated the relationship and told her that I wanted no further contact with her. She sent several emails and some texts trying to "explain" including having a girl-friend contact me to arrange a dinner & discussion with a third party to understand the "language that she uses". I briefly considered but ultimately wanted no part of it, as she was heavily in denial and showed no remorse.
Fast forward 2 months later we begin talking of reuniting. She tells me she has changed and is remorseful. She dated another man briefly while we were apart and I dated another woman.
We begin slow and careful talks so that I can make sure that we are on the same page and that I am not just stepping into nonsense again.
After some months of communication and rebuilding we get married as I am convinced that she has changed and through counselling, has taken responsibility for her actions.
Of course, after 3 months of marrige, the bloom is now fully off of that rose. She has returned to her old ways. We went from hapily and easily talkking of anything & everything, to having most, if not all topics of any seriousness being off limits, or met with anger or a rollng of the eyes, with a "hear we go again" from her.
I am frustrated and feeling suckered. I have discovered that some thingts she told me as we were reuniting, were not just simple lies, but carefully crafted manipulations and had I known the truth I would never have reunited nor even communicated with her again.
I love this woman, I do not want to leave or divorce, but I am feeling more helpless as the marriage seems to be dying a quick & painful death with her seemingly indifferent, choosing to increase her time at work and working out at the gym instead of time with me.
In reading your sitch (which you describe very well, btw -- you're a very good writer!) it struck me that you have now seen both what WORKS with your wife, and what DOESN'T.
Go back and try to read your post with a dispassionate, detached eye if you can and see if you see it also. I do think the blueprint is there for you to follow, IF you want to. Personally, I question whether this is a woman of character with whom I would want to stay, and considering you have no children together . . . but that's your decision.
Sorry about all the game-playing Mark. My advice is the same as Starsky...
Look at your post. The answers are there.
Love, I am afraid, is not enough to build a lasting relationship.
Love + Maturity does.
You cannot build a home out of sand, and that's what it looks like your wife's promises are worth.
Do NOT allow her to screw you over with eye rolling, obfuscation, and excuses.
If marriage IS important to her, she will address your concerns rather than rolling her eyes at you.
From my read of your post she's just using you for money.
I'd get away from her quick until she's been through counselling for a long time and clearly demonstrates she's a changed woman.
A spouse just saying they have changed is NOT enough Mark. They must BE changed. That does not happen overnight. It does not even happen just because you take the money away. It happens to liars and users when they hit rock bottom.
She ain't there yet.
And you don't want to be the shoulders she is standing on to avoid drowning now do you?
My guess is she's also still in contact with the "wise" OM.
"In reading your sitch (which you describe very well, btw -- you're a very good writer!) it struck me that you have now seen both what WORKS with your wife, and what DOESN'T.
Go back and try to read your post with a dispassionate, detached eye if you can and see if you see it also. I do think the blueprint is there for you to follow, IF you want to. Personally, I question whether this is a woman of character with whom I would want to stay, and considering you have no children together . . . but that's your decision.
Starsky"
I had to respond and thank you for the compliment. (very good writer). I also think that you have a good take on my "sitch". I am frustrated beyond belief. I am not ready to bolt just yet, but I agree with others that the situation must change. I have gotten advice from others that is all pretty much saying the same thing. Thank you for your input.
Mark
P.S. "You're the quarterback, aren't you. (Heaven Can Wait, endscene)" - My favourite movie of all time .
