Total despair 2

[swoop]

Exactly!!! So why would your opinion matter?

That is what I am wondering....WHY? Why does she want my opinion at all?

Idk, I think you guys get as messed up as the WAW.

I don't really follow you there. Am I being messed up and not realizing something?

Use common sense. Is this a picture a mother of a 6 yr old little girl puts on the Internet? It's not what it reveals, but rather the message she's giving out by putting a picture out there for the world to see.

I guess a mother might, if she was Christie Brinkley...haha
The picture itself is not that bad, but I see what you are saying about, "what kind of message is it sending out". To be honest, I am not sure what kind of message it sends out. I guess it isn't something that a mother and loving wife should have on her facebook. I will express that to her.

This is just one more thing in the line that has me feeling that my 34 year old wife is possibly going through an early midlife crisis....ugh

[SM34]

suckerpunch I saw that you had posted on my thread that we had many common elements in our sitch. So here i am reading your thread and I see exactly what you mean. Although I believe in your case there is not an OM to confuse things, yet many of our W's behavior is the same. I'm not an expert but let me share with you what I have so far:

1) W has not once showed any confusion or reckless emotions about her decision to leave. She is very calculated and seems focused on what she ultimately wants. Although, she has made no effort that I am aware of to actually carry through with a separation or divorce. As far as I know, she hasn't even consulted an attorney, even though she knows I have already.

This sounds to me like she knows exactly what she wants right now, which is to do nothing. At least in my case, I think my W knows that I am whipped and want her back, and that i will do nothing to speed up a divorce. Could they both be cake eating? I think its very likely. It is early in both of our sitchs and I'm not sure that either W is sure what she wants. Also, you have to know when and how to look for the signs of being unsure of their decision. For my W this is usually when she does or says something that she thinks will elicit a certain kind of reaction from me based on previous behavior. When you catch her of guard by doing a 180, you will notice she is a little flustered that you are not validating her decision by acting like your old self. Look for her being snappy at you when you are being very nice to her. She is irritated and bothered because you are not moping and sulking and acting bitter which is what she needs you to do to reinforce her decision.

2) She has not really reached out in ANY way to connect with me, physically or emotionally that I am aware of. All communication has been initiated by me (no longer doing this) or in regards to Daughter or separation issues.

I have the same issue. I think it is part of knowing that you will not initiate a divorce. Perhaps this is revebge for pain we have caused them? I have seen people suggest there is an element of revenge in WAW so perhaps this is the slow torture. If you believe she may want to reconcile eventually, maybe she wants the lessons to really STICK in your mind. Slow and painful would do the trick.

3) She does contact me daily, often several times a day. She is by no means not communicating with me. When she does call she is upbeat and never plays games. Just right to the issues, even though she is sharing more about her day to day with me in almost every conversation

I have the same problem. I think you mentioned the "friends" issue too. After reading a lot of sitchs where the W cannot stand the H and all interactions are cruel and viscous, it seems we should be happy about this friendliness. However, I think you touched on the same concern that I have, which is that your W thinks you will be best friends forever! No, we want our wives back, we don't want more friends.

4) She seems to have an odd outlook on how our Div./Sep. will look.

Boy do I know about this one! My W told me she wanted our D to continue to live with me in our house, the house she was born in and lived her entire 3 years in. When I asked her were she would go, she said I don't know. Maybe I would go and live with OM (who lives 1.5 hours drive away). So when I told her so you are leaving your daughter and you really won't be able to see her much right? she said, no! I will drive here every day, pick her up from school and take her home. Then hang out with her until she has dinner, bath and gets in bed. Then i will leave back to OM's house (1.5 hours away). Funny stuff huh? When I said you think you will do this every day for how long? the rest of her life? She said yes whats wrong with that? She is not thinking straight and the sep/div has not been thought out. In my case, the affair has her in a fog where she thinks she has a plan to get out of our marriage, yet she has no job, has no where to live, doesn't have a place for D3 to come stay with her, doesn't have any idea how she will see her every day, and has no concept of the 250 mile round trip from OM's house to our house. In short, she thinks she has a plan, but there is no plane! She is being selfish and that is part of the revenge mentality I think WAW have. You have been a bad husband for so long that it is now their time, for them to do what makes THEM happy, with no concern for you what so ever (I have seen a message from my W to a friend of hers that suggested I deserved to have to look after D3 on my own because I should have taken care of my marriage).

How can I move on with my life, and meet someone else like she said i would on BD, when she thinks she is going to hang out at our house (my house at that point) from when school ends until bed time every night. when I asked her what about when I have a new wife? Will you hang out with her at home until D goes to bed? What if I have more kids with new wife? Will you hang out with new W and new kids until bed? She has no answer because she has no plan, and no concept of what separation will look like. they have painted a picture of a separation that is perfect for them, where you still pay for everything, they are still welcome on your marital home any time they want, and you are both best friends. She can move on and meet someone because that would be outside of this arrangement and physically in a different location, but since you are the LBS who will stay in the marital home, you don't have to move on at all. In fact you shouldn't because how can you all be a family still if you move on? LMAO =)

5) She is reconnecting with people very quickly that she tossed aside during our breakup, people that she said she was DONE with.

SAME THING as my wife. Be sure though that she is only reconnecting with people she knows will support her in her decision. None of those people will be people who know you well or actually like you. They will all act as the biased shoulder and reaffirm her decision.

I feel for you man. I was told by the ladies on this forum that my "plan" was not DB principles based. But I will share it with you anyway in case you have not read all of my threads. I have seen this done by A LOT of veterans on here and it seemed to have worked for those men in situations like this when the W is obviously living a fantasy. This is not always the case, some women are independent and have everything worked out perfectly in their head, and their plan makes perfect sense. But if your W if not one of those women, then it seems when you look at other men who reconciled their marriages, those people "allowed" their wives the chance to move on in order to see first hand what a separation is actually like and how different it is from their little fantasy. It seems to work most of the time.

Do not act on this as if it is advice. I am NOT a veteran nor do I know if I myself will go in that direction. My W still lives with me, and my sitch may not evolve into her moving out, or may, it is too early to tell. Make sure you get a lot of people's opinion as well as follow the advice of your DB coach. I am simply recounting a common path to reconciliation taken by some of the men who's W is trapped in a fantasy of some sort.

Good luck brother! Stop by my thread every once in a while and lets share info, and I will do the same.

[swoop]

Sm34,

thanks for the input. It is always nice to know that there are others in similar sitch's.

So, today my W's reality of separation/divorce happens again. One of our close friends is having a birthday party. My friend phones me with an invite, with the caveat that he also invited my W. I say to him, "thanks. I will defintely consider it"..... I had NO intention of considering it .

He knows our sitch very well. He says to me that he really wants us both to come, "everyone in the group misses you guys". I expressed to him that in all honesty, I wasn't coming if my W was attending. I told him I would really like to go, but this is the reality of our situation. There is going to be lines drawn in the sand between my W and I regarding friends. This birthday will be one of the first. Unfortunately, I don't think am really at a point where I am wanting to socilaze in mixed company with my WAW. Maybe that suxck, but that's life.

So, I sent W a quick text saying, "hey I would love to watch D6 while you go to the birthday party". She replies, "what, aren't you going"? My reply was yaaaa, probably not. She seemed almost surprised I didn't plan on attending. I was surprised she expected that we would both attend!!!.....the woman seems to have no sense of how our divorce or separation is going to look. It is her, right? I mean, is it a common thing for Married couples to separate or divorce and carry on with their social lifes almost like nothing happened? Very bizzare to me, how she feels this is going to go. I wonder if it has anything to do with the "friendship" approach really messing with her perspective on how I will handle this...man, I guess that could be it?????

[littleGTO]

Hey, suckerpunch,

I can totally relate to you regarding your W's fantasy thoughts about how S/D will look. We attended a NYE party w all of our friends (of course most of them don't yet know we are S).

HE comes and goes to our home & makes himself as comfy as he always has---goes in our hot tub, takes a shower, eats whatever he wants, does the laundry, etc. It is weird that he thinks this is what will continue.

This is where we as LBS have to decide and make our boundaries clear to our WASs. My problem is I don't know what I want in some cases. I agree that it may have to do with the friendship thing (as that's what my H has indicated he wants too).

Unfortunately 90% of our friends are mutual and 99% are married, so that means that one of us may end up with very few friends to socialize with.

My H also wants to be "responsible" even though he left, as to lessen his guilt for leaving and not dropping the ball on his responsibility to his family (what a joke considering he left)!

I agree our Ss are living in a fantasy world! OP is part of that.

[swoop]

I have approached it a little differently, LittleGTO. When my wife chose to move out, I immediately asked for her key to the house. I wanted to make it clear, that her moving out was her MOVING OUT. Even when she calls wanting something, say a blanket or a clothing item, I make it clear that I will give it to her personally or leave it on the porch. She even calls the house "Your house" when it comes up in conversation now. She walked in and announced herself the other day, I came around the corner with "excuse me". I wanted her to know that she is not allowed to simply walk into the home which she chose to leave, regardless if Daughter is here or not. I am not sure if that is true DBing style, but to me it is part of showing her the reality of leaving the relationship.

[labug]

Suckerpunch, why did you call and tell her about the party?

[swoop]

Labug,

I didn't tell her about the party. Our friend had already invited her, and she expressed to him that she would need to find a babysitter. I simply offered her my babysitting services.

Last night, my W joined D6 and I for dinner at a Sushi place. I gave her the offer by saying "D and I will be going at 6:00, your welcome to join us". She called earlier in the day saying she wasn't sure if she would be able to make it. I said, "well if you make it great, if not, no big deal". She phoned again just before 6:00 to say she was coming. I think I was doing a really good job DBing at dinner. Of course, it was a little awkward sitting across the table from my wife and acting like we were just aquintances. I acted content, not overly excited that she was there, but interested in what she had to offer durinig conversation. She offered up some information about her daily life, but still was guarded a little I think. She told me a little bit about her Birthday plans. Today is her birthday, and I wasn't invited to any of the 3 days that she will be celebrating, of course that makes sense given our sitch....but yes, literally 3 days she plans on celebrating! I thought about it lastnight and realized, I don't buy presents or give cards for "friends" or even family members who don't include me in their birthday plans. Why would I do that in this situatuion? So, this morning I simply sent her a text saying, "Happy Birthday. I hope this turns out to be your best year yet". She replied quickly with a thank you. I will leave it at that. Now to work more on me. Today the sun is out and I am feeling great!

[AJW]

My H also wants to be "responsible" even though he left, as to lessen his guilt for leaving and not dropping the ball on his responsibility to his family (what a joke considering he left)!

Oh yeah, this is a real kicker isn't it. My W is doing the exact same thing. She doesn't want anyone to be "the bad guy", etc. She doesn't want to face how much she could be negatively impacting our D, etc.

I feel like I've been very accommodating, all things considered. She's allowed to come in/out of the house whenever she wants and I let her take our D 2-3 nights a week to her crazy sister's house.

[swoop]

The last couple days I think I have been switching a gear in regards to grieving. I am now feeling more and more angry about the situation, how selfish my wife is, the idea that my daughter WILL be effected by this, the fact that W seems to have some money in her pocket and is spending it freely. Gee, I wonder where that came from, considering how I make 5 times more than she does and for some reason my bank account is borderline broke after she decided to leave. I'm just angry about the whole thing. I am angry that she is posting inspirational poems on facebook that make her appear like a battered housewife. I am angry that she feels that life will be grand and we will just be happy cordial friends after the divorce or separation. She brought me a piece of birthday cake lastnight, when she was dropping off D6. I felt like smashing it in her face. That is not a feeling that is normal to me. Therefore, I realize it has to be part of the grieving process....at least I think so...

Lately, I have been litterally making a plan in my head. It's not a good plan. It's not a healthy plan. But, for some reason it is something I am consciously planning, even though I know it is wrong. I have given myself the date of March 1st as my cutoff point. I have told mysyelf that if things don't change for the better, at least a little, then I am going to switch into "mean guy" survival mode. I will approach my wife, inform her she has 30 days to get to a doctor before I cancel the insurance, tell her she has 30 days to secure her own housing and turn over every existing bill she has. basically, on Feb. 1st I have been planning to toss her out onto the street so she can have a very clear view of what the real world of being single will look like. As of right now, she is footloose and fancy free, and eventually she is going to feel the real sting of her choices. In my mind, as twisted as this seems, 6 months should be long enough for her to make a decision. If not, I will make it for her.....Now, I KNOW this is unhealthy thinking...and keep in mind it iis just "thinking". I have been trying to ratinalize with myself about how wrong it would be to do something like that. I keep asking myself, why am I planning something like that? I realize it has to do with my current feelings of anger. I need to get on top of that....any suggestions?

[SM34]

Funny, I just logged on here to write a post about how I am extremely angry today also. May be its the aligning of the starts or something that might make all LBS angry today =)

I haed been doing well but 3 days in a row of minimal contact with a WAW who still lives with me, and its wearing on me,

Good luck. I am following your sitch so know that at least someone is with you on this all the time!

Talk soon