Been reading this forum for a month or so and finally got around to joining. I'm so very, very thankful already for this type of support as I'm not really finding anyone around me that can understand why I'm still in this marriage.
Here's my story:
We have always had a dynamic relationship - lots of passion, but also lots of fighting. We struggled a lot financially before marriage. We "fought" our parents to be together (we were both 17 when we started dating), spent 10 years getting husband through college on our own, etc. We dated 7 years and I was ready for marriage and family life. Told him I wanted to get married or, if he didn't want to, let me go. I wanted a life we weren't moving towards or even discussing at the time. He decided he didn't want to end the relationship, so we got married in 1994.
Seven years of marriage later in 2000 - H turned 30 in Feb. and in Nov. told me he wanted a divorce out of the blue.Completely knocked everything out of me. Said he didn't think things could ever change, he was unhappy, blah, blah. Found out I was pregnant (complete surprise) in December. He said he wasn't changing his plans. I moved out in January 2001. He called a month or so later and told me he quit his job. Apparently there were rumors and he was approached by his boss about an inappropriate relationship between him and another co-worker. He was so upset he quit. EA bomb drop that had been happening for many months. April 2001, he asks for reconciliation and we move to another state. Things are tough for a while and then we have a few more kids and it feels settled, although we still have trouble connecting.
Fast forward to October 2011. Things have been strange btw us for a while. Had a "feeling" so I checked his phone one night and found emails to a female co-worker that were crossing the line of "friends", but no indication of PA. Definitely EA though. Confronted and H was remorseful and agreed to start counseling. We started and things felt worse. Counseling brought up lots of past hurt for H regarding his childhood and emotional detachment issues. Abandonment is a biggie for him. Things were stable with a tiny bit of improvement, until we had a big fight one evening (Feb 2012)and the emotions triggered a severe physical reaction in him and he was sick for a week. After that, it has been pure hell. We went through the ANGER for many months. He would come home and just be so angry. I would ask why and he would say he didn't know. He withdrew from me completely. At this point, I'm reeling with what's really going on and believing he's having a PA b/c of his insane behavior and no explanations for anything. I push and push and want to talk about what's going on and is he cheating, etc., etc. I'm sure you know what this is like. He kept saying I was pressuring him and he didn't know what he wanted. I kept saying what in the hell are you talking about - why can't we just work on it?
Over the summer (June-August), I took the kids to my parents for 2 months. Before we left, he told me he loved me (1st time in over 6 months). We talked while apart and he even came for a couple of days in July for S's b-day. Those 2 days were great! When we got home, things were good for about 3 wks until I started pressuring him again and asking about his behaviors. All this time, he would still speak about the future and things we might do.
Around Thanksgiving, I had a complete meltdown after my BIL, who used to work with husband, told me about long lunches and rumors in the office about H and EA person. This sent me over the edge as I had felt H had been lying and I couldn't understand any of his behavior. I kept looking for an explanation to all of his withdrawal and assumed it had to be someone else. He reached a point where he told me that we would NEVER reconcile after that. He tells me still that he doesn't care about anything related to me. In fact, he pretty much hates me and holds me completely responsible for all of his unhappiness. He wants to move out, but we can't afford it. I homeschool and told him I would not put our kids in school and get a full time job so that he could move out. I believe if he wants it bad enough, he will find a way.
In the meantime, I found DR and started my 180 a month ago. He noticed within 2 days and INITIATED a "talk" with me. This has NEVER happened over the course of the past 1 1/2 years at least! After that didn't turn out like he hoped (I just agreed with him on everything), he was mad. I remained pleasant and about 2 weeks later, he snooped through my drawers and found an old journal. My insanity about him possibly having an affair was on a few pages along with what my BIL shared. H wouldn't speak to me for a week, but couldn't tell me why b/c he didn't think I knew he read my journal. I just remained pleasant and then when I found out what he did, I felt bad b/c I'm sure he was hurt by what he read. We have had good days and some really rough days. Christmas vacation was spent escaping with TV/movies, video games and sleep in the bedroom. Christmas Day he was so sad and withdrawn for most of the day. He spent most of it upstairs in our bedroom. New Years was hard and he spoke to me very hatefully and was completely escaping between TV, video games and sleep for the 4 days he was home. He says he feels completely trapped and wants me to leave him alone. I have been, but I guess he was having a harder day than usual. He tried to make small talk with me this morning, but I just didn't have anything to say after his hurtfulness yesterday. I have felt so much better the past month with my 180 and detaching, but all the time we had together the last couple of weeks really pushed me back into the emotions. He went back to work today and will leave Friday for a business trip for 6 days. Breathing room coming!
I've tried to convince him to let me take the kids and stay with my sister in TN for a couple of months, but he says no b/c he won't be able to see the kids every day. Anytime I present an option for us to get space, he says no. He went from saying he can't afford $500/month for another place to saying he can't afford $250-300/month. Well, I know he could swing that if he wanted it bad enough. I've offered to move the kids and stay in our camper on a rented lot. He says no.
I'm so thankful to finally realize he's in the middle of MLC, but worried that I really did seal the deal with my crazy behavior prior to my 180.
Thank you for reading my story!
H42 M42 S11, D8, D6 M 18 T 25 BD 10-11 H 2nd MLC in progress (1st interrupted) H Still home but doesn't want to be
You are not too late MLC take a long time Sounds like your 180 are already helping One suggestion: dont leave the home..If H needs to leave, let him find a way to get the money together keep things as stable as you can for the kids Watch the finances very closely watch the credit cards..take your name off the cards if you see usual excessive spending Mlcers will spend themselves into debt with no concerns about the kids or future Take care of yourself and the kids get enough rest and sleep, eat, exercise find a few girlfriends to talk to at night if your lonely He may blame you for everything, but mlc is about unresolved childhood issues not about the spouse Many MLCers do have affairs and it is so painful and hurtful for the LBS but OW are just bandaids..the mlcer will try to escape from his pain it doesnt work keep posting there are also many good books like jim and sally conways book on MLC Good luck Peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
It's never too late. Be extra, extra good to yourself right now. This isn't a relay, it's a marathon and you need to pace yourself. Believe that you and the kids will be ok and you will be. But make sure to put your needs first right now, not his. The kids have already lost one parent.
Ask for help, there's lots on this board. You are not alone.
Much Love,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I just want to comment on one thing. Your thread title asks if you have destroyed all chances by beginning to DB late. What strikes me most about that question is that you sound like you are taking on the "blame" for whether your relationship comes together or ends. I seem to recall back when I first came by this board that I had the same thought. I was always someone who took on all the blame for other people mistreating me, and when my XH began his MLC, he started to blame me for all the reasons that HE was having problems. He created this list of things I was doing wrong, and I met and exceeded his expectations, so much so that he kept adding new ones to the list. And I'd keep doing what he wanted, in order to make sure I wasn't the one "destroying" the chances of us staying together.
This persisted even up to when he started to have an affair, because I immediately told him I'd work to forgive him and that I'd accept even that transgression of his. He said "you weren't supposed to say that. You were supposed to tell me it's really over now. You're messing with my head and confusing me because you were supposed to end it." Later he told me that the move to make the affair go from emotional to physical was done not just because he liked the OW but because it was "his only way out" because I'd said if I ever caught him in an affair the marriage was over."
So you see the pattern here--the MLCer will usually tell you that you are to blame for the problems that they have. Then you try to fix yourself to please them. Then even if you don't do what they expect or want, they say that's your fault too. It's all YOUR FAULT.
My XH was basically saying at the end that trying to KEEP the marriage together by being forgiving and accepting was my fault too, because his goal was never to keep the marriage intact but to run.
The reason I post this is to say that if your thread title is any indication that you are like me, you sound like you will be the type of person who will take the full blame for what's happening, and I implore you to stop that line of thinking and see that it's not your fault. Sure, there are DB things that you can do, but they are mainly to protect you and help you with detachment as MLC lasts so long that it seems most people do not achieve a reconciliation with their partner. It is very dangerous to take the blame for someone's actions on yourself. It really keeps you mired in the past which cannot be changed. I cringe every time I read someone say "If I'd just found this site earlier I could have saved my marriage."
A statement like that reflects the poster's belief that he/she is 100% responsible for the outcome, which is just never true.
I just think it's important that as you DB you keep the focus primarily on you and your sanity, and that you try to stifle the urge to take blame on yourself, if you DB and you still lose your relationship, you don't want to walk away from that feeling like you didn't do enough and take on the blame for another person's crisis. You have enough to deal with without feeling like it's "your fault."
Best of luck to you :-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Thank you both for your quick responses! I have done some reading on MLC and know that I have much more to learn. I will be visiting all the links and learning, learning.
I sometimes wondered about MLC b/c he doesn't fit some of the "typical" behaviors. He's actually become very protective of the spending and so uptight that he has excluded me from all talks/decisions about our budget, etc. I realize this is one place he feels the need for control. We have a lot of debt and he has been depressed about that for a while so his goal has been to cut back on everything and start reducing our debt.
When I read the snippets from "Happy_Again" someone re-posted I saw my H so clearly. The talk about being a paycheck only. Wanting space and being so mad at his wife. Being so hateful in his talk to her and her calmness in handling it. Feeling trapped in a life he didn't choose, etc.
I don't believe now that H ever had a PA. Definitely an EA, and there are things that seem a little strange, but I can't match them up just yet. I'm pretty sure that if there ever had been, there isn't now. He was home for 9 days over the last couple of weeks and went nowhere without one of the kids. I know it's not proof, but I just don't think there is anyone else right now.
I have been going out regularly and I'm getting ready to start teaching a class to homeschooled kids in Feb. I feel good about doing things I haven't done before and I see H noticing. I'm relieved at finding some answers, but knowing this could go on an indefinite amount of time is so very discouraging.
Oh, and of course, today he called from work to discuss the CC bill and wanted to account for all of the recent charges over the holidays so he could categorize them. He started talking about all the things he wanted to get done here at the house. Ya know...clean out/organize the garage, replace the water heater, build a deck. WHAT? Pure crazy I say!
Thanks again for your responses. I will be doing much reading in the next couple of days.
H42 M42 S11, D8, D6 M 18 T 25 BD 10-11 H 2nd MLC in progress (1st interrupted) H Still home but doesn't want to be
You have enough to deal with without feeling like it's "your fault."
Antonia, so very nice to hear from you again!!! Hope you had a great New Years!
If you have not re-read that post at least 100 times already, now is a good time.
They will manipulate you to be the one to end the marriage. They will manipulate you to do all kinds of things, but they are the ones that want out.
DB is not about fixing your marriage when MLC is involved although that may be a side effect. It's about healing you.
Cheers,
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I sometimes wondered about MLC b/c he doesn't fit some of the "typical" behaviors.
Understand that MLC is not always about red sports cars and younger woman. Escape and Avoid, depression are much more realistic. Control, money(hoarding it) are all also traits of MLC.
Yes keep reading and you will find out. There is lots to learn to get your masters degree in MLC.
Antonia: Your post stopped me in my tracks and brought tears to my eyes. I am very much an "I've been an awful wife" kinda girl. It took me almost a year to realize that I can't take back what I've done and I can't make it right for H. I felt so much validation in your post and I'm grateful for your insight. I don't want to be that person that takes full blame, and I believe you have presented something to me that I need to take an honest look at. With detaching, I have changed a lot of what I used to do with H, but not so sure I've removed myself from the picture enough. I went from spiraling out of control to feeling sad for him in his state of confusion. One day he's telling me "I'm trapped here", "Leave me the f*** alone" and 2 days later he's talking about building a deck and cleaning the garage. I think it must be so exhausting to be him.
I've been thinking about this post often today.....
AJM: LOVE what you said! I believe this is where I need to continue on my path. I bought DR out of desperation to save my marriage, but now I believe I need to save myself first. I have always put others first and neglected me. It feels good to start exploring who I am and what I really want to do. I pray it will be with my H one day, but I very much like the line on the end of the resources post from Cadet:
"Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely"
Thinking about things like this is helping me shift my perspective.
I appreciate everyone's comments so much. This stand for my marriage has been a lonely road so far. It's nearly impossible for people to understand what it means when I say H is in MLC. They see craziness and they don't understand why I'm still here. I feel relief being able to share with others who get it.
H42 M42 S11, D8, D6 M 18 T 25 BD 10-11 H 2nd MLC in progress (1st interrupted) H Still home but doesn't want to be
