Remember the process requires some improvisation on your part.
I am the HD partner in my marriage. I desperately wish I had gone to my wife with the ultimatum of "Work on the SSM with me or I a moving out". Instead I had an affair. No one, no one, wants to go through that.
From my perspective my wife had left the marriage years ago when she couldn't deal with her LD issues. (she was the WAW, I was the LBS, the dynamic is reversed) So if she started with withdrawal, going dark, etc, it would have simply affirmed my point of view that she was out of the marriage.
By the same token, I don't believe chasing is the right thing either.
I'm thinking the right response is standing up and taking responsibility. So unilaterally do everything you can to understand why you are Low D, medical, psychological, reading, counselling etc. He should know that you are doing everything you can to improve yourself...all the GAL stuff...including learning who your sexually.
Its like standing up and saying OK, I understand what I have to do, I'm doing it. I'd like you to do it with me. But I'm not doing it to pull you back, I'm doing it because I want to be a better me and a better me includes a more balanced relationship with sex. Standing up, not running toward him, but also not turning your back toward him.
I'm thinking the right response is standing up and taking responsibility. So unilaterally do everything you can to understand why you are Low D, medical, psychological, reading, counselling etc. He should know that you are doing everything you can to improve yourself...all the GAL stuff...including learning who your sexually.
Its like standing up and saying OK, I understand what I have to do, I'm doing it. I'd like you to do it with me. But I'm not doing it to pull you back, I'm doing it because I want to be a better me and a better me includes a more balanced relationship with sex. Standing up, not running toward him, but also not turning your back toward him.
This is a great insight from the other side of the seat. If you see my first post on my thread, you can see that I did this when my H first broke down. I told him my honest feelings about why I couldn't participate in LM much. I took full responsibility for my part, promised him I'd go get IC for mental health and go see a Dr. for physical part (It hurt most of times we had sex and I slowly started feeling scared before sex) He was very impressed with my new commitment and we actually had the greatest night that day.
What I did wrong after that though was I was doing it to pull him back. That's all I focused. The more counselings I went, the more sex I "scheduled" every Fri, he looked sadder and sadder leading up to BD. He didn't want me to try to change for him. He didn't want me to "schedule" sex because his complaint was less frequency. He wanted to feel genuinely cared and loved.
Few weeks after BD, I finally started getting it. I finally realized this isn't about pulling him back but being a better me. Oh how I wish I knew then..
M37 H36 M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist 7/12:H broke down 10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after 1/13:H wants to leave 2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving 3/13: S begins
H and I had an interesting conversation and I hope someone can help me out. I feel like I should be able to understand but I can't. He told me he doesn't want a D, but he just can't work on the marriage right now. He needs to clear his head hence why hes moving Out. I asked him what is holding him back from a D he said the kids and the fear of starting over.
Knowing that he is only in this for the kids and fear, do we have hope?
How can he say he doesn't want a D but not willing to work on it. I feel that I am a broken record here. I am really losing my Mind over this. The confusion is killing me
H:37 W:37 M:10 years D:7&5 Bomb:9/7/12. H moves out H moved back 12/23/12-not going well Retrouvaille 1/18 H moving out again 3/14
He mentioned agin that he just can't imagine intimacy with me because its Been so long. He can't get over this factor t all and truly I am not sure if he ever will be.
H:37 W:37 M:10 years D:7&5 Bomb:9/7/12. H moves out H moved back 12/23/12-not going well Retrouvaille 1/18 H moving out again 3/14
That thought has crossed my mind a 1000x and honestly I don't think so, however I don't know for sure. It's a question I am asked all the time. I often question why this is so hard for him to move forward with any form of intimacy and his answer is always " it been so long it's Just awkward and werid. I am not attracted to you like that anymore"
This rejection has done a lot of damage to him and he is very sensitve, but it is very hard for me to understand how he cant let some of this go and try to work on the M. so thinking there is someone else is valid.
L'l since you were on the same Side of my H, did it get to the point that you weren't attracted to your W anymore after all the years of rejection? I assume it could definitely get no that point. Again I am tryin to wrap my head around it and I can't.
H:37 W:37 M:10 years D:7&5 Bomb:9/7/12. H moves out H moved back 12/23/12-not going well Retrouvaille 1/18 H moving out again 3/14
No I didn't. We struggled with this for literally 20 years. All the typical stuff: something is wrong with you, something is wrong with me, I'm not trying to connect emotionally, I'm not doing enough to speak her love language. All the typical stuff and I was very angry and bitter....but I always attracted to her (and sometimes I was angry that I was)
There could be so many, many things and unfortunately only he can tell you. Perhaps he's embarrassed that he's been watching porn and masturbating. Maybe he's been experiencing ED.
All I can suggest is going to counseling on your own and hopefully he might follow.
Thanks. We just had a major blowout and the end result was H said I have dealt with this for 10 years you have only be dealing with it for 6 mths so " deal with it". Yes he is also so angry and so bitter. Oh and about porn and masturbation ya that has been brought up as well and he's pissed he had to resort to that. All I can do I guess he leave him alone. Not sure there is anything else I can do at this time. We have our last retroV this afternoon. Not sure if he will be joining me as he stormed out of the house. I was debating about going but decided I started I should finish even if its alone
H:37 W:37 M:10 years D:7&5 Bomb:9/7/12. H moves out H moved back 12/23/12-not going well Retrouvaille 1/18 H moving out again 3/14
He told me he doesn't want a D, but he just can't work on the marriage right now. He needs to clear his head hence why hes moving Out. I asked him what is holding him back from a D he said the kids and the fear of starting over.
Knowing that he is only in this for the kids and fear, do we have hope? How can he say he doesn't want a D but not willing to work on it. I feel that I am a broken record here. I am really losing my Mind over this. The confusion is killing me
AM, honestly I don't know why you are confused. From the recent conversation you had with him, he's clearly telling you he can't work on m now. He can't even think about being intimate with you because he's so beyond mad and resentful. There's nothing to read here IMO. He needs time and period. I've felt and wondered many times I know I hurt him but people hurt. I hurt through this m but I got over it. Why can't he do that same? Apparently the pain caused from sex rejection for men is so much deeper and more painful than we can ever imagine.
I know I'm in the same situation as you are but the man is kinda right. He's suffered this for 10 years and it's only been 6 months so you have to be patient. I honestly believe now is not that time for us to tell them we "suffered too"
By the way, why do you two keep having all these conversations now? Is it part of RetroV thing? or are you initiating the conversations because you want answers?
M37 H36 M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist 7/12:H broke down 10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after 1/13:H wants to leave 2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving 3/13: S begins
