Has anyone been through a sitch where you know your H is still talking with OW (because I snoop) but denies it all and tells you he wants to be with you and is not talking or texting OW anymore. Althrough when he told you this he had just sent OW a text a hour ago telling her he loves her and missed her. He is very loving, caring will do anything I ask,goes on dates with me, great with kids. helps around the house, and fianancial support. Calls me and texts me to see what I am doing, how my day is going, etc. but at the same time he is still texting her and talking about meeting up with her. There is a lot of sexting going on with them.
If I don't snoop or ask any questions life is great! But deep down I know what he is still doing. Everytime I see him sending a text or looking at his phone I wonder if it is her. Should I just keep turning a blind eye and not ask any questions and let things continue? Is that even a normal thing to want to do? Am I nuts? I could ask him not to text in front of me, but I am sure he will deny it is her he is texting. But if I look at his phone and read what has been going on, it just ripes my heart out over and over again. He swears he wants to be with me. and I can't afford to leave and yes I still love him. Any advice?
M-47, H-46 M24, T29 S19, S17 OW since 2007 Fighting ever since H left 8/12 H home 11/12 still seeing OW
Yes, I had to address this very same thing with my wife, when she had her brief affair five years ago. I simply told her "I hope that isn't your boyfriend who you are texting from our own marital home -- that would be incredibly direspectful to me and the kids," and she mostly stopped doing it. The couple of times I caught her doing it again, I called her on it and reminded her that this was a firm boundary with me, and she did respect it and at least would take it outside.
The more important issue is one of CONTACT, however -- you are in a situation where your husband is still in contact with the OW, and you two supposedly have agreed on "no-contact," right? But he still does it? That's another matter.
In that case, I'd recommend saying "Look, we both know you are still in contact with her, and I already told you that I wasn't willing to live in an open marriage" (or whatever it was you did tell him about it when you agreed to no contact) . . . "so I guess we both have some decisions to make." And then end the conversation.
If he tries to lie about it -- or ANY time he lies to you and you know FOR CERTAIN (like you have proof) that he's lying, put your hand up in the "stop" position and say "Please just STOP IT. We both know you're lying to me right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful. As long as you're going to lie to my face about something so important, this conversation is over. I can't make you be faithful to our marriage, but I damned sure don't have to sit here and let you lie to my face, and I won't." (or something similar).
Then again, looking at your timeline (this has been going on since 2007???!), I'm betting that your husband believes -- by your ACTIONS (or lack thereof), not by your WORDS -- that you ARE pretty much willing to put up with this.
You can make all the speeches in the world, but our spouses will ultimately judge us by our actions. If your words say "I will not live in an open marriage," and yet you do nothing about his continued infidelity, then he probably doesn't take you very seriously anymore.
Are you sure you can't afford to leave? Have you actually consulted a divorce lawyer to see what your financial position would be like?
You might be entitled to enough in alimony and temporary support to keep you afloat. And this is so incredibly disrespectful, WHY would you put up with it any longer?
I'd sit him right down and say: "Look, I happen to know FOR SURE that you are still talking to OW. I'm no longer willing to be disrespected in this way. I've packed a bag and you need to leave tonight."
He's apparently NEVER going to get it until he has to LIVE with the CONSEQUENCES of his actiona.
Starsky, you are right about my actions, I always let him back. Yes it has been going on with OW off and on (mostly on) since 2007. I have spoken to a divorce attorney, twice. I would not get any child support, and no alimony and would have to file for Bankruptcy. I am not sure either one of us could afford a home for our Sons on our own. ($ part is my fault.) He can look me straight in the eye and tell me he loves me and the OW is gone and he does not want to be with her and everything I read was a lie and not even blink or flinch and I know that he just texted her telling her how much he wants to be with her. Plays with your mind.
When you want to believe sooo bad it's over and he can lie so easy. It is hard. I truly was trying to convince myself I could live in a marriage like this and just pretend everything was ok. He thinks it is. My only way out would be to leave myself I think, have everything set up (new apartment, new cell phone, divorce agreement left on counter) to be able to break free. I used to be a strong person, but now, I feel weak, sad isn't it!
M-47, H-46 M24, T29 S19, S17 OW since 2007 Fighting ever since H left 8/12 H home 11/12 still seeing OW
So - there is debt? Maybe dealing with the financial situation first, would free you up to make other choices later in your personal life. How is the debt your fault? Do you have a shopping addiction or some such?
Have you ever listened to Dave Ramsey? While I don't agree with his politics, I think his approach to personal finance is very helpful for people in debt. If you could get your H on board as well, you might be surprised at how much headway you could make.
Debt, yes I had a problem with if I wanted it I would buy it and figure out how to pay for it later syndrome. I regreat it so much now, never thought I would be in the place where I would be the sole supporter of myself, never! I am even afraid to tell him what we owe (I do the bills) he would go crazy. I am however thinking that migh be the only option I have. If he bails over the financial situation then I guess it would be easier for me on what my next step would be.
M-47, H-46 M24, T29 S19, S17 OW since 2007 Fighting ever since H left 8/12 H home 11/12 still seeing OW
Go to dave ramsey dot com, listen to the archives of the radio show, and check out a copy of his book Financial Peace from the library. Read it yourself first, then see if you can get your H to read it. Better still might be to take one of the courses they offer through many local churches and such.
I also recommend reading a book called Your Money or Your Life, by Dominguez.
Whether or not your H stops his affair, whether or not your marriage survives, this is a step you NEED to take for YOU. Transforming your relationship with money, getting out of debt and shedding the load that that puts on you, will be a HUGE improvement in your life.
Your husband may be cheating on your sexually in the marriage, but you'll need to own that you've been cheating on HIM financially. Time to face up to your part of the marriage and deal with that - we can't change our partners, but we CAN change ourselves - and that often triggers change in them anyway.
Listen to some of the Friday shows - on Fridays, people call in and tell how much debt they've paid off - you'll be amazed at what people can do.
Starsky, you are right about my actions, I always let him back. Yes it has been going on with OW off and on (mostly on) since 2007. I have spoken to a divorce attorney, twice. I would not get any child support, and no alimony and would have to file for Bankruptcy. I am not sure either one of us could afford a home for our Sons on our own. ($ part is my fault.) He can look me straight in the eye and tell me he loves me and the OW is gone and he does not want to be with her and everything I read was a lie and not even blink or flinch and I know that he just texted her telling her how much he wants to be with her. Plays with your mind.
When you want to believe sooo bad it's over and he can lie so easy. It is hard. I truly was trying to convince myself I could live in a marriage like this and just pretend everything was ok. He thinks it is. My only way out would be to leave myself I think, have everything set up (new apartment, new cell phone, divorce agreement left on counter) to be able to break free. I used to be a strong person, but now, I feel weak, sad isn't it!
I would suggest you speak with a second attorney. You have to leave a toxic marriage and he doesnt' have to pay you a dime?
That's hard to believe.
Anyhow. Talk to friends, family, find someone who is willing to put you guys up temporarilly until you get back on your feet.
There are advantages to having you in their home, sell that. It's not like you would be freeloading.
Friends of mine put up another friend who had to get away from her husband too. She still lives with them now. She cleans their home, baby sits their kids. Live in housekeeper basically. But she DID get away from the toxic relationship.
