I've been married for 21.5 years and have two teenage daughters. I thought I had a 100% secure marriage, we shared mutual goals and hopes for the future. We loved to travel and spend family time together. It was very surprising when I came home from visiting family with my daughters to find him moved out. We had been in a "slump" since the spring with a lot of stress with him working too much and kid stuff. But I thought we just needed to reconnect and that was the plan upon my return. He's been gone 6 months today.
I had the divorce busting book this summer and did my best at putting the rules into practice. But with him moving out, my not contacting him seemed to allow his disconnection even further and we literally never talk now. And he hardly sees our girls, I know he tries to text them but they're busy and are still angry.
As it turned out, he'd been having an affair since at least early June. I don't know if the relationship continues and I didn't even find out until late October. We went to 2 therapy sessions in October before I knew, but then when I found out he'd been lying and had no conscience about it the discussions halted promptly. We never talk but have a daughter applying to colleges for next year so I know we'll have to have a conversation about taxes and college soon. I just found out (by snooping online) that he is going to file for divorce in "the new year".
My daughters and I have been struggling through the shock and grief but, knowing his intention to file for divorce soon, it feels that, by not pursuing my husband that I'm just giving him permission to leave. It feels like I'm agreeing or equally throwing away my marriage. And, although it would be the hardest thing ever, if his heart was in it I could move on from the affair. I take responsibility for my part in the failure of our marriage (and have told him so). I still want our family to be together. But how do I fight for my marriage if I'm passive? Do I at least try to convey that I still want our marriage. In my heart I don't feel it'd do any good anyways. He's made his decision, probably made it a very long time ago.
You do need to not pursue him, but that doesn't automatically rule out all contact. What is the nature of the limited contact you have now? Method, frequency, topics, etc. Does he ever initiate?
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But with him moving out, my not contacting him seemed to allow his disconnection even further and we literally never talk now.
It sounds to me like no contact is not working. DB means trying new things when something isn't working.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks for the reply FY. He moved out in July, I was upset and confused and didn't know what was going on for awhile - started lighthearted texts in Sept with funny pics etc which was out of character for me anyways. I love to laugh and have fun but we've been in a serious mode for the last 18 months at least. But that all stopped in mid Oct when I found out about OW and we haven't talked since. We've exchanged a few messages about the kids but only about the kids. Actually - kids & I went to disneyland for Christmas and he actually initiated a text and asked if we were having a good time. I replied honestly that yes, we were having a good time but it's strange being there without him & there are a lot of disneyland memories that have been tough. No reply, I guess it was too much. He sent me an email today about updated medical insurance for the year. I guess I should be glad I'm not kicked off the insurance yet. He doesn't see his kids at all and it really bothers me but I don't want to get in the middle of their relationship anymore. He thinks he's a great dad but it's only because he's always shown up to all the events when I told him to. Now that I'm not telling him, he's off the radar. I don't know how to proceed!
...with funny pics etc which was out of character for me anyways.
Anything out of character will be noticed as such by H, he knows you well. Just be cheerful and positive in your normal manner.
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I replied honestly that yes, we were having a good time but it's strange being there without him & there are a lot of disneyland memories that have been tough. No reply, I guess it was too much.
Yes, it was too much. You added to the quilt he is probably feeling. Even when they want to move on, they usually don't want to hurt us.
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He sent me an email today about updated medical insurance for the year. I guess I should be glad I'm not kicked off the insurance yet.
This is a good sign. It shows a concern for you, and a future with you still in it.
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He doesn't see his kids at all and it really bothers me but I don't want to get in the middle of their relationship anymore.
This is wise of you.
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He thinks he's a great dad but it's only because he's always shown up to all the events when I told him to. Now that I'm not telling him, he's off the radar. I don't know how to proceed!
He's confused and not himself right now. You said so in your other thread in the MLC forum. You proceed by giving him space and time. No pressure, because that will make him pull away.
Has he brought up D?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
That's the weirdest thing is that he has not said the word divorce to me at all. But I haven't been really taking this as a good sign, his relationship with his daughters is so tenuous now that I think he just doesn't want to hurt them. I told him really early, within a month of him leaving, that I met with a lawyer just to get info. He didn't ask any questions or said he was going to also.
He chats on a website that I monitor because his password is still auto saved in my computer (idiot! he changed the passwords to all of his accounts but this one) and there was another poster recently that said he was hoping to have his divorce finalized by the new year, and my H said he'll be starting his soon... but then a week later he counseled another poster about his marital problems with really good advice and said that he wished he'd done it 12 years sooner because now 'he may be getting a divorce soon'. The word 'may' really threw me for a loop.
We are still 'married' on facebook. I had unfriended him after he left but he friend requested me in oct (before our short stint with marriage counseling and before I knew about OW) and he's left it and I've left my status as married - I feel it's almost a dare now. I'm not the one that wants to be unmarried so I'll wait for him to make the first move.
He also wrote on his chat sight that 'he knows his daughters are upset now but they'll come around'. I think that attitude is very cavalier and it upsets me greatly. And he also posted that he's going to NY with a group of friends, didn't say when. I'm wondering if he's going to just leave & come back & never tell his daughters. He also hinted at going to Mexico this spring (we loved mexico!! ) and I can only imagine who he's going with... basically, although he hasn't said the word to me he is living his life for a different future. Not one that includes our family.
And I get very resentful being left with everything. My girls are in so many activities plus college applications etc. It's been a lot to manage. There is a college fsfa meeting this Thursday and I texted his last night if he could come & he said he may be late but would be there. It is my nature to remind him a couple days from now because he usually can't manage himself but I'm not going to. Everything just seems like a test now and it's hard to be loving and PMA when I'm so tense about our relationship!
That's the weirdest thing is that he has not said the word divorce to me at all.
Often the WAS will talk about D early on, but then totally drop it. If you don't pressure him about it, he may not bring it up at all. The mistake many LBS's make is when they don't hear the WAS talk about D any more, then they want to start pressuring about it because they're wondering if the WAS has changed their mind. It's not that they changed their mind, it's that they're confused about what they want. Pressuring them at that time may force a bad decision.
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and there was another poster recently that said he was hoping to have his divorce finalized by the new year, and my H said he'll be starting his soon... but then a week later he counseled another poster about his marital problems with really good advice and said that he wished he'd done it 12 years sooner because now 'he may be getting a divorce soon'. The word 'may' really threw me for a loop.
Don't read anything into it. People say things on forums that they don't really mean. They also say things to explore their own thoughts and emotions, they may in fact say things that are contrary to what they're really thinking. I know you're snooping because you want insight into his thoughts, but you're not going to get it because right now he is not thinking clearly. You should quit snooping, it never does any good.
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We are still 'married' on facebook.
I'll never understand people's fascination with Facebook mind games!
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He also wrote on his chat sight that 'he knows his daughters are upset now but they'll come around'. I think that attitude is very cavalier and it upsets me greatly.
This is very typical WAS thinking. They need to think that to help justify their actions. The truth is that marital problems, separation and divorce cause terrible damage to children, often they carry it the rest of their lives. But you'll never convince him of that. He probably knows it at some level, but his rationalization hamster is running the show right now, spinning in its little happy wheel.
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Everything just seems like a test now and it's hard to be loving and PMA when I'm so tense about our relationship!
That's why you need to detach and GAL. You have to separate yourself from the roller coaster ride. Focus on you and your kids. It's hard work, but it's the road to recovery.
