Walking the path to my own happiness

[mamabird]

Last thread (Changing Directions) got locked:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2310157&page=1

H is broken. He is completely broken. He doesn't have the slightest clue how he should behave, what he should do, how he can forgive, etc. He is lost.

This just is. You can't change it. H will have to figure it out at his own pace and likely his own way.

Yes, yes, yes and yes. I have finally given up trying to convince him of anything.

Let him know, "yes, I contributed to the brokenness of this M, but I have tried to make amends and work on my issues. Can you say the same?"

Have said this so many times, but haven't challenged him, because I know he would say he's been working on his stuff. He thinks that he has been.

Maybe even challenge him a little more, "Do you take no responsibility for where we are? Do you really think our M was awesome, and my poor character caused all our problems?"

Hopeful is right, H does not appreciate being challenged. Remember, he is muy insecure so any challenge just makes him feel inferior. This in and of itself is a problem. Anyway, I think he would not say that our M was awesome, but I do think that he would say that he would not want to be married to someone of such low character. He would sidestep the part where he has to take responsibility for the problems in the M. I know this.

The one thing that's really stopping him is the boys... he came to me tonight and said they were really stressed out about our sitch and it was making him really sad. My answer to that was that I was still willing to work on our R. He said, "that's not where we are in our M" so I told him that people reconcile all the time. It's a lot of hard work for both people, but it is possible. No response.

It is clear that H does not comprehend the possibility of R. I think to him, things are either working or broken, and like so many disposables these days, if it's broken, you don't bother to fix it, you buy a new one. (This is his attitude in general).

He also told me that he may move back into our rental property vs. doing the sensible thing, which would be getting a furnished apt for at least $1K less per month. But, I guess a furnished apt wouldn't be suitable for him, too much shame in that. My H does well financially, but not well enough for us to afford 2 large mortgages, and he doesn't have any sort of realistic view of our financial situation. Another problem in and of itself. When I said it didn't make sense to do that, he told me that I could move out instead, which of course, I am not going to do. (I want to work on it but I get the crappy pull out bed and I should be moving out now???) That's just a little venting there.

One of the other things I realized today is that I have this big fear of failure around a D or even an S. If my H leaves me, then I failed and I must be a failure too. Happy that I am keeping my IC in business at least. And also, H has said so, so, so many things to me with the intention of making me feel bad... I can't remember the last time he said something to me with the intention of making me feel good. A third major problem in the R...

Anyway - goal for next year is to be happy. Be happy with whatever comes along. Work towards that, think about it a lot, be mindful about making my life happier. Not to let H get in the way of that. Doing what I need to feel happy - whether that's shopping the day after Xmas for new clothes or having lunch with friends or walking my dogs or just doing nothing. I have learned that it's all a mindset and I'm bound and determined not to let my sitch rule my life.

[Wendylon]

As always, your H reminds me so much of mine. It is a very weird experience reading about yours (the low self-esteem, the unrealistic financial perspective, his absent-mindedness around S9's chocolates...)

I love your goal for next year--being happy. I would try to stick to that goal while trying not to bring the R into it. Once you're happier independently of H, then I think you'll be in a much better frame of mind to make decisions about your M. I still have an uneasy sense of your M and all his failings being a convenient hook for your own issues. I think I'm vulnerable to doing the same thing with my H so maybe that's why I think you might be too. I think Breakdown and FloydMan make some excellent points (hard as they may be to digest).

How are you feeling without your ring now? Has your H noticed? I do feel nervous about that move though I recognise that you feel empowered. I just think that your H can use it as proof that you are not really committed to working on the R despite your words.

If he mentions again how difficult he finds it to witness your boys being upset about your R, you could just say that you feel the same way. One of the times that we were about to announce our S to our kids, we backed down because we couldn't bring ourselves to break it to the kids. If nothing else, we were in agreement about that. It just bought us more time.

I hope you're doing nice things for yourself today. I'm pleased that you bought some nice clothes.

[Breakdown]

Love the title!

Honestly, the couple of questions I posted for your H was more out of frustration (and that wanting to shake him feeling). I don't recommend that you go to him with those. They might be questions you pose to him eventually, but I think you really need to have 110% focus on you right now.

Once you're happier independently of H, then I think you'll be in a much better frame of mind to make decisions about your M. I still have an uneasy sense of your M and all his failings being a convenient hook for your own issues.

Completely agree on both counts.

[mamabird]

^^^
that's the goal: Happiness independent of H.

Part of my fear and part of the reason I have been holding on to this M is that I am dependent on H financially (right now). Same thing happened with my BF before H, we lived together - his job provided free housing and I had a low paying job at the time. I am starting to recognize that I need to be more independent.

When I was growing up, my parents were D and my mom didn't make much money. She is college educated but not career oriented. I swore to myself that I would never follow in her footsteps in that regard. So, I went and got an MBA. Unfortunately the industry I've been in (home entertainment) isn't in the greatest shape right now and my career is a bit stalled, but I am 100% sure I could support myself and the boys if I had to. I just don't really WANT to.

The issue with my issues is that I'm not fully aware of them yet. And yes, I'm probably using H as an excuse for a lot of it. I guess I need to try to examine that more, probably another good goal.

And the ring - well, last night I thought about putting it back on. I didn't take it off in anger, and I had kept it on as a beacon for my H if and when he decided that he was ready to work on things, and as a symbol that I did want to work on it.

But now, I am starting to see things differently. I do think that in the long run, I will be happier without H. It's tempting to say that H needs to change. In fact, H does need to change, but we can phrase it in terms of my needs and requirements. I need to be in a R where I'm respected and treated better. I need to be in a R where there is open communication. I need to be in a R where we make it a priority to agree on finances. I need to be in a R where people take accountability for their own issues and actively work on them. It is a fine line between "giving up" and "walking away." I would say that giving up implies that I didn't have a choice, and walking away implies that I made the choice to do so.

Yesterday, for the first time actually, I tried to imagine how I would have felt if H and my roles were reversed - if H had been the one to stray a little bit. How would I have reacted? For starters, I'm not sure I would have taken it so personally, but that's an educated POV since I know that a lot of my own reasons had to do with my own insecurities. I could see myself saying that the behavior would have to stop and H would need to get counseling to figure out why he feels he needs to reach out to other women, and to figure out if he wants to be married to me. That is not abandoning someone. This is loving them through a tough time, even though the behavior would have been hurtful to me. In fact, I probably should have told him long ago, "You treat me like sh!t, get into therapy and figure out what you're doing." But I have been afraid to confront him, another big red flag...

But I couldn't imagine myself thinking that he was doing me wrong because he is a bad person, and that I think is where our big disconnect is. Until he can see my actions through that lens, and he may never be willing or ready or able to do that, we will never have a chance. Right now, he's too insecure to see that my choices had mostly to do with my own issues. And I'm not going to wait around on the sofa bed for him to come around to that conclusion. I need to treat myself better than that and love myself more than that.

[Breakdown]

Love it! You sound like you are shifting....more "I" and less "H".

I guess big picture I view DR as this:

Figure your crap out and be who you want to be
Spouse sees happy, fun, confident person
Over time, spouse believes in changes
Spouse gets interested in this person
Spouse questions his/her own actions
Spouse comes around and talks R
Spouse starts working on own issues and M issues with you (piecing)

Maybe there are other steps, and maybe someone else could sum it up better, but I think the important thing in this whole deal is where it starts. It seems like it takes us all so long to get to that first step and the reality is, once we've got step one, the requirement of the M being fixed is no longer there.

[mamabird]

I am definitely open to all of that but in the meantime, life is out there waiting for me my friend! Someone said on another thread that they were closing the door, just not deadbolting it behind them.

And yes, isn't it ironic that by the time we are ready to truly take responsibility for ourselves, it's not about the M anymore. We can hear it a million times but you only believe it when you finally get there.

Big hugs to you Breakdown!

[Spartan]

RLA - love the new thread title and really liking your new attitude. Keep up the good work

I guess big picture I view DR as this:

Figure your crap out and be who you want to be
Spouse sees happy, fun, confident person
Over time, spouse believes in changes
Spouse gets interested in this person
Spouse questions his/her own actions
Spouse comes around and talks R
Spouse starts working on own issues and M issues with you (piecing)

Pretty much sums it up if everything goes as hoped

[mamabird]

A little journaling, not H related at all:

Just had a big revelation. I was driving home and saw an ad for the new show 1600 Penn. I noticed that the little girl on the show looks a little bit like I did when I was little.

Then I remembered something from my childhood. When I was 8 or 9, my mother took me to see an "agent" - yes, a Hollywood agent - because I really liked acting and we thought maybe I could get into some "real" acting. The agent said I looked too "ethnic" and my mom had to explain to me what that meant. (I am half Italian and half Jewish, dark hair, dark eyes).

I just realized, on my drive home, for the first time ever, that what that agent said has had an impact on me for my entire life. Because I grew up thinking that my looks weren't "right," or weren't acceptable, and now I can see, it all started right there. I always felt unattractive and never thought I was pretty, and I'm sure all those insecurities came shining through, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

My mother didn't step in to correct that at the time, and we never went to see any other agents after that. I'm sure the lady meant no harm by saying that, but that was the impression that I was left with, that the way I looked was somehow "wrong." Maybe now that I've realized where that thinking comes from, I can start to undo it. This alone has probably led to a good portion of my insecurities about myself and specifically about myself with men.

Interesting how when you start down the therapy path, it kind of just loosens you up and so many other things come out...

Also realized today that the therapist that I was seeing at the time of OM1 shouldn't have let me just ramble on about him. I wish she had challenged me and asked me why I was so unhappy, and what was I planning to do about it. But she never did that. She just sat there and let me complain.

[JuneReN]

Love the thread name, love the calmness coming through. I have seen pieces of it but today I truly feel it.

I too, equated S or D with failure and when it happened I realized that I was not solely responsible and it wasn't a failure, but more of a chance to learn. I was also very prideful, but let go of that too!

I agree with that first step, because it is the hardest and the second one, rediscovering yourself. And it is true, once those are in hand, the need for the M diminishes. Not maybe the love or desire for spouse, but the fact that you are okay with who you are, here, now, in these kinds of situations, means you can be okay with yourself in any situation.

((()))). You are very peaceful today, I love it!!!

[mamabird]

Thanks Ruby, I'm getting stronger by the day.... that revelation that I had about my self-image was helpful because now I have a box to put all of that negativity in, and I have a reason not to believe it anymore: because it all started from one lady's dumb opinion. I just had never connected that before.

I had lunch with a wise old friend today. It was so wonderful. Seeing her just fills up my heart. Anyway, she said that maybe what I was meant to get from my R with H was the kids, and not really more than that. I had never thought of it that way.

I wish my parents were in the same place I was... Dad asked if H and I were going out New Year's Eve, Stepmom asked if I was back in the bedroom yet... Dad is still sending out "inspirational" emails. God bless them for trying, I really do appreciate it.

It's almost as if I'm looking at things from the outside in, and I can finally see H more for what he is than what he isn't.