I want to take this opportunity to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and a Blessed New Year, and to thank those who generously give of their time and wisdom. Your light shines through dark hours for many.
I also would like to tell those whose first Christmas is occurring with a spouse in crisis, that I remember...I would also like to say do not your MLCer take the joy of the season away from you. Don't give anyone that much power. It is a choice. Carry on and create new traditions for yourself and your children if you have them. Your strength is there though sometimes you have to dig deep.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
SA, Merry Christmas and a Blessed New Year to you and your family.
I totally agree w/you...please don't allow the mlcers to destroy your holiday season. Christmas is such a magical time, it is a time for family, friends and co-workers to reconnect and enjoy the holiday and it is also a time to create new traditions. SA has provided to you this morning some very wise advice.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
SA thank you for this. I post in newcomers but W is definately MLC and yes, she was starting to ruin my holidays. My first xmas without her. In fact she has just dropped eldest S off and drove away without saying a word!
Something I have been thinking about off and on since H said it back in Aug. (I am an admitted over analyzer and I've worked hard to curb that activity).
During an email conversation, the only way H will even broach a deep conversation, as he is still unable to look me directly in the eye to talk, was that he believed it was the military that is the root of his problems. He said after talking to other Vets he thinks that he got messed up more than he ever thought or would admit to during his 2 year deployment in Germany during tail end of Vietnam war.
I know he was treated poorly upon his return as many Vets were during that war, he felt abandoned by a country.
I validated that I believed it did have an impact on him and maybe things that happened even farther back also impacted him. (For those that don't know, H's father died suddenly when H was 9, and he was never allowed to talk about him again.)
I did not go into any further explanations or that I thought he was deep into a MLC. Just figured since he seemed to be thinking about it maybe I could plant a seed or two.
I guess my question is is that how come I was the problem that made him run away and after he found out that he is still miserable, he didn't blame ow? After all, he has now been living with her for 3 years.
Why was she worth so much more to him that he would look a little deeper and I didn't have any benefit of that doubt?
If anyone has any insight, it would be appreciated.
I completely understand how it may once again feel like another betrayal that your H blamed you, yet now does not blame the OW.
Keep working on curbing that analytic mind. You may never know the "why". It sux, but is what it is and may be.
That being the case, be clear that he IS talking about that stuff, with you. Even if it is over email. He IS taking the time to understand himself and work through his issues.
One day, that may change the dynamic of your R, even if it may not lead to rec. How ever that looks, and how that might feel, that is still a good thing. He's indirectly validating that you... were not the problem...
Just to add from my perspective in relation to my sitch...
I think in all fairness, that is all I could ever hope for... that my W at least truly acknowledge in a sincere way (not the WAS/MLC script) that "it's not you, it's me"... again, however that may look.
Of course, I KNOW it was not me. The "deep down" of her need to leave the R was not because of me. I just became the reason as she justified things that were likely not in keeping with her core beliefs as she moved along her new path... Even while I had my own things to "fix"... or perhaps more to the point, to work further, on...
So again, I wish you the best and hope that you can appreciate that, no matter what the future may bring, at least you have the possibility that your H finally realizes at a core level, that it was really... NOT about you. He'll have to resolve THAT within him, eventually, as well.
The things you have said have run through my mind, too. If he has figured out that I wasn't the problem, one might be lead to the logical conclusion that I am not the enemy either. Key word is logical...
Couldn't prove that by H's behavior at D14's Christmas concert. For the first time in 4 Christmases, H and I were at one together. H sat in the aisle seat (as always). He did get up to let me get to the next seat. So I sat down beside him. If H had leaned out over the arm of the seat any further, he would have fallen out into the aisle. lol D14 could see that from the stage.
As for me, I was completely comfortable. H could have been any community member. I no longer have that little thrill in my gut when I know I'm going to see him. I thought, whatever.
On a very bright note this holiday season a blessing has occurred, one that I have been praying for. H and S26 have reconnected. They hadn't talked since H left in Oct., '09. It started in Nov. with emails pertaining to S26's job situation. It has advanced to them talking at Christmas time and S participating in the annual sons and father's day out on Christmas Eve day. S also was down with the family on Christmas morning for the first time. It was also the first year S has accepted a gift from his Dad.
I will admit that even though I provided the homemade cinnamon rolls, appetizers and cookies, it was a little tough being on the outside looking in as my family shared Christmas morning.
SA, As you know, I am a firm believer in miracles happening during the Christmas season. I am so very, very happy that a miracle took place in your own home, i.e, the reconnected of your h and your son. This is a step in the right direction. Please keep in mind that reconnection begins w/friends, family, pets long before the reconnection begins w/the lbs.
I think that your h is starting to visit his demons and is realizing that some of his issues were w/the military. Yes, the vets that were in the Viet Nam War were treated very shabbily upon their return, unlike the vets are treated today. I also think he will need to revisit the time period of his father's death and that will come. He's going back in time a little bit at a time. You may think you are still the enemy, but he's slowly but surely going back and revisiting his past life.
I know you are very frustrated and I understand how you feel, but I see positive progress being made from your recent postings. Time, space and patience are what your h needs now. He will come around again and talk to you about things that he is mulling over. Listen and validate.
SA, miracles are taking place in your family and I do feel that your h will resolve his issues and will reconnect w/you some time in the future, but as far are reconciling, he may think that there is too much damage for him to ever return and he also knows that you are a very independent woman. Leave the door ajar and allow him the time to catch up, if that is what you want.
SA, Happy New Year!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Your Christmas Scene is certainly a positive note.
Just to give you what might be an interesting perspective. Your S26 and H had been disconnected physically, since '09. I'm getting by that statement from you, that your H was not making the effort.
I want to relate to you that, D15 has been disconnecting from me since BD, but more so during 2012 to the point where she has told me not to even text her. Despite what I believe have been my best effort to give her what ever space she appears to want, even though I've always remained and let her know, I would be here for her, if she wanted.
The reason I mention the above is, so often the LBS points at the WAS as being the protagonist in this. I am sure that you could point out that S26 was upset with H. Yet, as the "profiled" LBS, I am sure my W would tell that D15 is upset with me and that I am not making an effort to be with her.
In the end, I am glad that S26 and H are reconnecting. I hope that one day, D15 and I will reconnect. Again... however that may look and by the best effort of both of us.
On the idea of logic within your H, that is certainly true. Logic does seem to take a back seat for the MLCer. Although, this could more be a case of lack of empathy or compassion. IOW, your H may LOGICALLY understand that you are not the problem. He just still is emotionally unavailable.
So, by being emotionally unavailable (he'd probably call it "detached"; that "safe" word that we use here, as we instruct the LBS to achieve), he is able to express the logic...
But...
Until he is emotionally available... before he could even begin to grasp the depth of the harm to you and his family, he will continue to speak to you only in logic...
Trust that this lack of empathy and compassion... this emotional unavailability... shows up in his R with OW, even though it may not be apparent. It may never show up, for him.
So keep on keeping on.
Love your description of your H sitting in the chair beside you, adjusting himself to the extreme, as though you have cooties...
