Still working on me

[sweetbabyred]

Previous threads

Any chance to make it work?

Making it work, for me

My last post sounded pretty depressing. Although I have been feeling down, I am GALing too. On Friday I had a pedicure, facial, and haircut. I go to a local beauty school, so it's not too expensive, but I still feel pampered.

I also purchased a discount card for them which gives me a free service with a purchase every month so that's an incentive to put myself first.

And I'm trying to plan out some fun runs for the next few months with my friends.

My parents' divorce is finally finished, so my mother should be moving to Texas in a few weeks or so. She's trying to convince me to let her use some of her retirement funds to send me to London/Edinburgh for a month in the summer for grad school studies.

I'm not sure if it would be the best use of her money, but we both absolutely love it there and it would be nice to get away for awhile. And, unlike my trip to India, I'd be with a group and have lots to do there.

I'll probably contact the school in January, as it's with another university, just to confirm that everything would transfer ok. And I need to make sure that she's completely thought through the finances.

Ok, I've got to get back to "spring cleaning" my apartment. I've been so busy working I kind of let it go and I'm ready to reorganize and clean everything. Time to rid myself of some of the clutter before the new year.

[sweetbabyred]

Yesterday H sent me a generic holiday text. I know it was generic because it said "Merry Christmas to you and your family." At least I'm still in the contact list, so I waited a few hours and just replied Merry Christmas.

H immediately responded, saying he was sorry for what happened and that he was sure the universe had great things in mind for me. I thanked him and he said he'd stop bugging me on the holidays and let his family contact me instead.

I replied that he wasn't bugging me, but it was his choice. H said that I seemed "cold" and he knew when to take a hint.

So passive aggressive, but I just replied that 3 weeks ago he told me I was never allowed to contact him again so I wasn't sure how/if I was supposed to react to him. H said he didn't know either, so I told him I'd let him take the lead and figure it out.

I also got two of my girlfriends to schedule a girls night on Friday before one of them is out of town for a week.

And we actually had some snow here on Christmas, so I had a pretty view from my window. I had a nice, relaxing day, even if I did miss being around H's family as we'd done the last 6 years.

I also made a list of all the little chores I'd like to do around the house before the new year begins. Mainly things like going through all of my toiletries to get rid of the old and make sure I use the new before they expire and to go through everything in my closet and get rid of anything that doesn't suit/fit me.

That'll still give me two weeks to relax before the spring semester starts.

[sweetbabyred]

H called before I went to work today, apologizing for not getting my ornaments to me before Christmas. He was driving back to town (6 hours away) and had them in his car.

I told him he could just leave them on my doorstep and I'd get them when I got home. He declined, saying he'd lost a package at his apt and didn't want them stolen. I live in a gated community, so I was ok with it, but whatever.

I then told him he could put them in my patio. It is fenced and no one could see them, but he was afraid they'd break. I'm not sure how that would happen, but I didn't want to argue.

So it seems like he wants to see me when he drops them off. I'm not sure if that's because he does want to see me or if he needs me to sign the divorce papers and just doesn't want to mention it to me.

At this point, I don't think anything would surprise me.

Although I do wish he'd come out of his fog, mostly so he can fix his own life, and part of me wishes he'd want to try to make it work with me, I know that I'll be ok on my own.

And if H is done, I'd really like him to file soon so that I can morally feel okay about moving on too. I wouldn't rush into dating, but I'd like to have the option.

[sweetbabyred]

I had plans to go to dinner with a friend tonight, but they got canceled at the last minute.

I've just been feeling kind of down today. One of my best friends had her baby yesterday and I'm jealous because she finally got a loving husband and the baby she's wanted.

And I've been waiting for a year and a half, hoping that H would eventually decide to work on our marriage.

At this point, I think part of me will always love him, but I'm ready to have the chance to find someone who wants to have a life with me.

[sweetbabyred]

On Saturday morning I sent H a short email, basically saying that I was ready to move on. Our mutual friend had her baby and I wanted the opportunity to have a family also.

I haven't received a response and didn't expect to get one. I just asked that he fill out and file the papers as soon as possible. In the next few days it will be the 7th anniversary of when we first started dating and on the 22nd it will be our 5th wedding anniversary.

I still do not want a D, but I want a H who wants to work on things with me and make a life together. I don't have that now and seem to need a D in order to try to find a new R. H has moved on with his OW and knows that I won't date until I'm legally single. I'm not ready to date right now, but I've waited a year and a half for H to decide what he wants and it doesn't seem to be our marriage.

Monday was my last day of work with my current project. It was kind of hard to say goodbye to everyone since I'd been there for almost three months.

On the bright side, I spent New Year's eve with some friends, first at a comedy club, then an Irish bar, and then a dash to downtown to celebrate the ball drop and fireworks.

For the last few years, I always celebrated at home, so this was a huge 180 for me. Although I missed not having someone to kiss at midnight, it was fun.

In fact, the last time I'd gone out for New Years ended up being the year I finally began speaking to H, after meeting him at a work event about a month before. Maybe I'll be as lucky this year.

[sweetbabyred]

My horoscope for today:

Sometime close to spring, you will have a glorious moment in the sun. This moment, if you shine brightly enough, will spin off numerous opportunities to attain the life of your dreams. Why mention this now when spring is still months away? Because you will need to be mentally and emotionally and spiritually prepared for that moment, so that you can feel confident and inspired. If you know that it's coming, you can work toward that goal, and you should - this chance could help you to gain the connections and the resources to make your life all it should be.


I really like this one. And if I assume that something great will happen in the spring, I'm more likely to take actions that will make that true.

I may very well be divorced by then, so I need all the positive thoughts I can get.

[sweetbabyred]

Last night I found out that a mutual friend of ours had gone out with H and OW. The friend had been mentioning the plans earlier that day and I didn't realize they involved H.

So first I was annoyed because H never made plans with me in advance. He preferred to be spontaneous and see what his best friend was doing. And I was also annoyed because I knew H was spending money that he could have used to pay for the D or pay his back child support.

At 1am I got a few texts from him, asking if I was awake. The second one woke me, so I responded that I was now awake. He apologized and said good night. A few minutes later he said that he wanted to talk to me, but he'd wait until another time.

I told him I'd prefer to get bad news during the day, after I'd had a good night's sleep. His response was that it wasn't bad news and what bad news could he possibly give me?

Is he serious? Although it's hard to believe that it could get worse, unless he's telling me that he's decided to recommit to our marriage, anything he has to say is bad news.

Right after that he called me and said that he just wanted to check and make sure I was ok. He'd seen on fb one of his friends posting about another CES in Las Vegas and he wanted to see how I was doing. That's where we really met seven years ago.

Not to mention that our anniversary is on the 22nd and we've spent the last two MLK weekends in New Orleans (my college town) for his vball tournament, so January is probably worse for me than the holiday season. And H and OW's 4 month anniversary is the exact same day as our 5 year is going to be tough.

I couldn't go back to sleep for hours and when I did I had a dream about H and I having the same discussion, but at the end he decided that he did want to work on things with me. So then I wake up, realizing that it's only a dream. For about the first year after BD I had that happen pretty often, but it's been awhile.

I like to think that I'm detached, but I think I just keep myself busy so that I can't think too much about it. And since I haven't worked in a week now I've got nothing but time on my hands.

And even though I'm pretty sure it's MLC and depression, so it's not about me, I still can't figure out why he's able to give up on us. Class starts in a week, so I really need to get myself straightened out soon.

[sweetbabyred]

It's hard to believe that I haven't seen H in over three months and that it was only for a few seconds as he dropped something off on my doorstep as he headed to work.

What's even stranger is that the time before that was maybe two weeks before when he spent the night at my apt, hung out that morning for a few hours and mentioned installing a new hard drive on my computer for me.

And I've only had a handful of phone/text conversations in that time. When I first met H, we dated long distance for ten months or so and spent hours on the phone each night. We stopped communicating so much and that didn't help our sitch.

I'm trying not to obsess over what I can't change from the past, but at the same time I need to understand my part in what I did wrong to ensure that I don't do it again in my next R.

I'm trying to accept that, at this moment, H thinks he needs to D in order to live his life and give OW "a fair chance". I know that I'm "the better option" and that I'll be ok on my own, but part of my still has hope to reconcile as long as we're still married.

I'm not truly detached and it [censored]. I'm seriously considering going skydiving this weekend, even though it's not in my budget, just so I can truly experience not being in control and having to deal with it. I'm scared of heights, so it's a 180 and GAL all in one. Plus I'm a huge planner and budget master, so it's completely unlike me to do something at the last minute like this.

I'm used to being a perfect student and knowing that I can do anything if I put my mind to it, so detaching and waiting to see what happens is not natural to me at all. But I'm supposed to do what works and this might be it.

[Grateful]

Skydiving? Now that is a plan. It would be suicide for me. I couldn't handle that at all, but good for you!

[sweetbabyred]

Grateful, thanks for replying. I often wonder if anyone has the patience to read through my long posts!

I'm extremely fearful of skydiving too, but it's something I've often thought about and saw a meet up group for it, so I'm thinking about it. I think I have until end of day today to decide if I'm going to do it.

About a week or two after I moved out of the house in August 2011, I went to Six Flags and rode all of the roller coasters. I'd only ridden one before in my life and it was horrible, but I wanted to try it again. I thought I'd only be able to ride 2 or 3 because of the long lines, but lucky me the park was empty, and I ended up on 16 or so rides.

I went with H because I was afraid I'd chicken out on my own, but he never wanted to skydive, so this is all for me.