Out of the abyss

[lionhrt]

Okay, still computer illiterate so here is the ref for my previous thread "into the abyss". Perhaps this should be one of my 180s!

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2305535&page=1"

things were showing small signs of improvement with W, initiating hugs, a kiss, talking, texts with kisses etc and an invite to xmas dinner.

On Monday W withdrew invite for xmas dinner. I was ok with that and she wants me to have the kids xmas eve and xmas morning then take them to hers, wacth them open presents she has at hers etc.

Her reason for the withdrawal was that she feels like we should be moving on and xmas dinner together would not feel right as we would not be doing this every year etc etc. These comments knocked me back but I did'nt show it.

She had been in more pursuit mode until Monday, invites me in for drinkl and a chat when I pick S up, sending me texts etc. The other week she initiated a small kiss too. I think inadvertently I may have been hooked and she is distancing again.

Things are going better than I expected at this stage but this week feels like a slight set back.

My PMA continues albeit I have had a few down moments this week mainly because of the fear of her pulling back again. I have found myself this week thinking about W more than I have in the last month.

She continues to cry everytime I drop S things off on Monday and she still wants a hug before I leave. She has even commented that its hard (being separated) but I suspect the tears are more guilt.

The positives with W prior to this week took my by surprise and when I reflect they knocked me off my strategy. In hindsight it looks like classic pursuit and distance but I had not expected W to go into pursuit so quick after moving out. Does anyone have any thoughts on this as I am still not comfortable with the pursuit/distance side of DBing. Am I confusing this with guilt on her part?

I continue onwards and believe that S was the best thing for our sitch. But I could use some advice on strategy going forwards. My thought now is to go back to being completely dim during the week but making the most of the time when I saw her during drop offs/pick ups which seemed to work.

Thanks all.

[Dewayne]

I feel your pain. YOu're getting more than I am.

We've been separated and moved out of place of business for about 2 months. At first she was still hugging me and kissing me on the cheek, telling me she loves me like "Ok, well, I love you and I"ll see you tonight, ok?" That is NOT habitual for her. Her habit of saying I love you is "Ok, love you bye"

About 3 weeks ago I told her I thought we were seeing progrss and she confirmed she's happy without me. I asked her "Why the hugs and etc then?" She said "I'm just trying to be nice" I told her "If you're not going to be sincere about it, DO NOT DO IT! That's stringing me along and not fair and I'm not ok with it"

Since then, nothing. Howver last night after an attempt to catcha movie on time, we had dinner at McD's and let D3 play in playplace, I took her home where she played with my hand twice and I grabbed her hand. She then squeezed. Took me into her bro's place (where she's staying) and showed me her room and chatted a bit. She grabbed my arm and told me she had a great time.

Mixed signals huh? lol. So yeah, at least yours is showing some signs of regret or sadness. Mine hasn't.

I dont' know if your wife is showing guilt, seems she was sad... sad isn't guilt. To me, guilt would be like a quick "i'm sorry, but let me know if there's something I can do" i dont' know, I kinda suck on this part lol. But I dont' know. Guess give it some time bub and see how it goes. Just remember to be on guard. Don't get sucked into the moment iwth things that melt you up a bit.

[Cadet]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2305535&page=1

One extra quote in your post.
Here is the link

[lionhrt]

Thanks Cadet,

How do you do that?

[Cadet]

Thanks Cadet,

How do you do that?

Your link was the same as mine except you added a " at the end, I just removed it.

Also when using links the PREVIEW button is quite helpful to see if they are correct.
You can also test them that way too.

Hope that helps.

[lionhrt]

Thanks it does help.

Journalling..

I think my out of the abyss title was premature. I now know what Sandi2 meant in my first ever thread when she commented on not getting too carried away with any positive signs (or to that effect).

I am fighting with my emotions today. I bought my W xmas present and card from S, the card had a space for a photo in to insert a picture of S. However, this meant trawling through photographs to find a good one and oh boy did that not help!

Seeing all the families xmas shopping was also a kick in the teeth and then went the full sadistic mile and watched an xmas programme on TV which was yet again happy families!

I havent watched any TV properly since BD but just wanted to relax for an hour......well it didnt work

Re xmas presents we agreed (well W suggested) that we should not buy for each other. I respected that and have not bought anythign from me but will give her a simple card. I spent a little more on her present from S to make up for it.

My mind has run riot wondering why W was so adamant for me to have kids xmas even and xmas morning. She said its important to her. Then I gave myself a kick after reading some posts on here and focussed on the positives that I am v lucky to be seeing kids at all xmas day.

However, it is all a bit chaotic as kids will now open my presents here and then W presents at hers. We have bought 1 joint present for eldest S which we can see him open together. It is awful doing this to the kids.

W called around today to pick up eldest S and she could'nt wait to get out of the door again. She is distancing quicker than a 100m sprinter.

This whole holiday period is starting to get the better of me and I want to curl up and wake up when its over. But I will stay focussed for the kids.

All in all my detachment has crashed and burned and am back on the rollercoaster from hell again.

[JuneReN]

Hey, Rky, it's a mixed up time of year for sure, but I like the fact that you took note of what worked and what didn't...Your kids will take their cue from you. I have kids for exact time period as you this Christmas except they will go wit H to his sister's in afternoon and I am not going.

Back on the DB wagon, my friend, don't let it get you down, my H left early to get back to city and GF, when he was supposed to be with kids all day, so it is going to happen. This was after he saw me having a good time at same bar, felt a little left out and I think had some mixed feelings...your wife is running as well, but as far as you are concerned...status quo.

Stay strong and I wish you the smooth part of the rollercoaster ride for the hols~!

[SM34]

If you look at everyone's signatures on the forum, you may notice most WAS drop the bomb in september, october or november. Just in time to.ruin the.holidays! Could it be the weather?

[lionhrt]

Thanks Ruby - I will stay strong and thanks for the wishes. I suppose I need to take the positives in that I have learned, I do get kids at xmas and I do get to spend a little time with W. I am also missing my extended family on W side as we all usually meet up boxing day (nieces/nephews etc). I was pretty close to W family but they have all cut contact (suspect W has been badmouthing me to them like she did all our mutual friends). As you say, back on the DB wagon. You stay strong too and best wishes.

SM13 lol, that cheered me up. I think it must be seasonal depression or something . Its funny because I would have expected that where kids are involved they would at least get xmas over with first. I wonder if the plan is to get BD over with before xmas and then start their new year afresh without the LBS........oh I forgot, with my W there was no plan!

Happy holidays:)

[SM34]

My wife seems to have no plan either. her OM can barely afford to support himself because he pays child support for two kids. He had promised her if she left me he would get a second job if he has to. He also promised he would move to our city, 1.5 hours drive from where he lives, leaving his kids behind. Now that she has left me, the story seems to be changing! My W says he is going back to school for 2 years and that I need to support her until he finished school because its not fair that he would have to work AND go to school. Didn't you guys plan this? LOL