Please Help Me

[Intact]

Hi there, really hoping someone can help me as I'm truly at my witts end...

Ten days ago - just 1 day after my Wife's 39th Birthday she told me she no longer loved me, or is attracted too me in any way - and she asked to split up. (She told she has felt like this for years - we have been married 10 years)

I was, and am devastated - we have a 8 year old Son and I desperately want to keep my marriage (and family) together. I know with 100% certainty she's not cheating on me (I've checked).

I have never cheated on her but have been guilty of letting the marriage coast along...

I have pleaded with her to try again - to save our marriage - but she just says she is not in love with me - and won't be on love with me again...

We have scheduled a session with a marriage counsellor on the 8th Jan - I want to go to save our marriage - she wants to go it seems to find an amicable ending...

I have tried "wooing' her and being the perfect husband - but it just hasn't worked...

Last night I was tired and upset so I finally admitted defeat too her and told her I'd look for somewhere else to live. She broke down "I can't afford this house on my own", "I hate myself so much for doing this" etc etc - I asked her again to try and work on our marriage... but no...

She went out early this morning on the school run, and when she returned, although still upset and shaken up - she is full of me finding my own place, splitting the bank account and sorting out whom will have our Son and when...

I'm devastated - is this really it? Should I just walk away now?

Any help would be very much appreciated - i have never felt so low.

[~ kd ~]

^

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

Keep Posting but have patience for your posts to show up

You mght consider posting in newcomers it gets more traffic

[SM34]

I am not an expert really since my bomb was 11/27/12 so not that long ago. However, I have done A LOT of reading since my wife told me she is leaving and doesn't love me anymore after 14 years and a 3 year old daughter.

What I have learned with all the reading is that your wife DEFINITELY has someone else!! She is AT LEAST having an emotional affair (EA) with someone which will turn into a physical affair (PA) if it hasnt already.

Wives who feel their marriage lacks a certain emotional connection or intimacy or sex, will start to check out of the marriage months or years before the stage you are in. They do not however, threaten to leave their comfortable marriage without having someone to ESCAPE with. This is classic Walk away Wife (WAW) psychology.

The scrip it always the same. I love you but I'm not in love with you ILYBNILWY, and/or I need time to and space to see if this marriage is right for me (read, i need to check out if this other man OM is better for me than you).

Did you buy the book "Divorce Remedy"? If not go get it, NOW. You need to detach mentally from the stuff she is saying. Don't believe anything she tells you, and only 50% of what you see. You need to find out what bothers her about you and start fixing these things about yourself immediately. This is called a 180 and there is a thread on here for 180s in the Newcomers forum. You need to get a life (GAL) outside of your marriage. You need to eat, sleep, breath and exercise to keep your health and sanity.

Keep posting on here and give us more information on what you mean by "my marriage was coasting". What does she complain to you about yourself?

Do not pursue her, or pressure her to talk about your relationship. She is not in the mood to talk about your relationship. You need to give her space and show her that you are moving on with your life. Be strong, confident, and a man about it. Woman like that!

If you play your cards right, you MIGHT be able to fix your marriage. But there is definitely someone else she is thinking of, especially if she is still wanting to leave even though she cannot afford it. Women don't do that. They stick it out if its just coasting. Until they find someone else who will help them, or at least has promised or pretended that they will help them!!

[SM34]

STALL her on the moving. Do not leave your home! If she wants out of your marriage, she leaves the house. Do not leave your bedroom. If she cant sleep next to you she can sleep in another room. Stand your ground! Women need a man who can act like a man, and they like that...its attractive.

Google the term "Attraction is not a choice" and download the ebook for free in pdf format. Read it so you know what women find attractive. I guarantee you that you have the same problem as me.... you are too nice! Women dont like nice guys.. it gets boring. she probably has a bad boy waiting on the sideline.

I just gave you information that took me weeks to compile through a lot of reading, and waiting for veterans on here to tell me these things. Here you now have a head start. You are on moderation so post frequently until you are off moderation and then your posts will appear instantly and we can really start to help you quickly.

[SM34]

Read Sandi2's 37 rules NOW. Start following these.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2250607#Post2250607

[SM34]

Read this article about detaching so you understand when EVERYONE on here will tell you to detach.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

[Intact]

Thanks for the advice everyone - I'm just downloading the book now...

I am 100% certain that there is no one else - I have checked phone bills/Facebook/Texts and e-mails etc. Of course she could be emotionally attached to someone else but there definitely isn't anyone else at this point in time.

She has told me this week that she does want to try again - we have our first session with our counsellor on the 8th. However, she also states that she doesn't love me and physical contact is a no, no. She gives me the odd hug, but no kisses, and no sex etc.

Thanks again.

[GH31]

I'm devastated - is this really it? Should I just walk away now?

No.

Your W wants out of the marriage (or is saying she is). BTW, she may be confused, appear lost, emotional one minute and seemingly resolute the next. It is all perfectly "normal" for walkaway wives.

However, if she is the one who wants out, she should be the one to leave.

When she brings it up again (you must not be the one to bring it up), say to her calmly, gently and with equanimity [i]"W, I'm very sad that you no longer want us to be married however, I understand that my choices have led you to feel this way. I regret it very much. If you no longer want our marriage, you must be the one to move out of our family home. This episode, whilst devastating, has induced me to take a long and overdue look at my life". Then you be the one to end the conversation, leave the room and resume whatever it was that you were doing beforehand.

My heart really does go out to you.

No one sat us down when we got married and told us what we men need to do and be in order to be outstanding husbands.

You can learn here.

Hang in there brother.

GH31

[Intact]

I have actually said recently that I won't leave my Son or the family home which is when she said that means it would either end up in court or we would have to find a way to live with each other whilst living separate lives... Neither really appeals too me.

She seems to go through fits and starts of really trying to being angry and upset (usually with herself).