Starting a new thread with the overall question of Am I There Yet? A question in regards to myself as an individual growing; and / possibility of making it to and through the piecing stage(s).
I think you are definitely getting there in terms of growing as an individual.
You have so much compassion and you let yourself learn and grow from what you experience.
You are so positive on other threads. :-)
You have helped many of us.
(((((((afa)))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Busting and Tori, As always thank you for the kind words. I think each of you, and everyone else on here knows it doesn't always seem as if we're doing all that well til we hear from someone else. So again, thank you for the validation of me growing. As far as helping others...what goes around come around right? 8)
So the phone consult with Jody went well. She seems real nice, and of course knowledgeable. Add to that personable based on a few brief self disclosures. I can see why you recommended her. The good news is that for probably half of the time (we did go over a little), she was telling me info that I already knew (based on readings and you all). Therefore, it made me feel good to be where I am. I often said, "check," in regards to things that I have done am doing. Newer ideas she shared are: *It's okay to have sex, if it presents itself (with W that is ;)) *A nice review of Erickson's psychosocial development stages, where W and myself are. *Faye and Cline's Love and Logic theory in regards to motivation for misbehavior. 1. Desire for Attn 2. Power and Control 3. Revenge 4. Feelings of inadequacy. Jody added that attn seeking is the least pathological (fortunately that's my W's #1). *As far as the dance dynamic, my fear of being a failure and W's inadequacy. Don't treat her like a project. I was "better than" her at first, and now W is "better than" me, in the sense of lack of equity within our R. *I need to "just" / genuinely [bold]acknowledge, appreciate, cheerlead [/bold].
Today / tonight is W's time to be out. She's seemingly finishing some of our Christmas shopping and then a night out with the girls. Those that I like and respect.
The kids and I have been chilling so far today. And yes by chilling, I mean I have done some cleaning. Maybe a little more than usual, but that's because we're hosting Christmas Eve at our house. The plans for the remainder of this day / night, are to deliver some candy / chocolate stuff to some of my friends that ordered from D12 and then maybe driving looking at Christmas lights / displays or something of that nature. Oh, and I intend on finishing How To Save Your Marriage W/O Talking About It. Hopefully that will help me tap into better dealing with my fears of being a failure.
A few side notes: While cleaning I was aggravated. I was aggravated because W doesn't generally help out as much as she should. The most recent time she actually CLEANED, was when she OM up to the house months ago. So that was a trigger. I was angry. So as I proceeded to clean, I just thought to myself, I'm cleaning of the traces of him from MY house. 8) It worked some. Also, more of the stupid intrusive thoughts are / have been popping in, so I'm trying to name it and let it go. I'm trying to choose what thoughts are going to be in my head. Oh, Jody did say it was okay to be a little neurotic from time to time due to my / our caretaking tendencies.
Interactions between W and I the past few days have been fair to good. She's been sick (cold / flu), so I've genuinely been kind and tried to let her rest / feel better, no intent on "winning any brownie points." Also, I hurt my shoulder lifting weights a few weeks ago, re-injured by doing too much. W offered a little sympathy, but more importantly made a comment about how I can still do the DVD as it's made me "more toned." She encouraged me to download Scramble, as that's a game she likes to play; and so we started that. Playful trash talking, mainly from her, because I stink at it so far. Lol. Before she left, she was giving me a look. Not exactly sure what it was, but it simply felt like a good (not great) connection kind of looks.
This may be a little bit of novel, but it's been a few days since I actually updated. Hope everyone is doing well. One final side note for now. Interesting article earlier today on Yahoo regarding 9 steps to being happier. A lot of the stuff we all talk about here is on the list.
I was looking forward to your update. I'm happy to hear you liked Jody :-)
Also glad to hear you've been doing the right things.
As far as getting angry while you were cleaning. Totally understandable. You guys might have to talk about this at some point.
I'll try to find the Yahoo article. Now that I'm into the book by Anita Morjani, I feel like being true to yourself and BEING love is the secret to happiness. And I do know that we're human, and bc we're human we have egos, and those egos will bring back the low energy feelings, but that's part of being human.
I'm pretty sure that I've been more loving than anything else, especially lately. Of course with W having her night out, my ego became a little bit of an issue. Don't worry though, nothing was said, texted, or anything like that. Here's what happened. Last night the kids and I were in the truck for awhile waiting for a Christmas light drive thru thingy. Sat there for like an hour and half. Tried to stayed focused and upbeat with convos with the kids but there was some downtime. Anyways, I was trying to stay focused on positive thoughts, but felt myself feeling a lonely and sad. Later once we got home, they went to bed and I stayed up and read for a few. Anger came in. More of an anger regarding me continuing to definitely fight for the M, yet she's not. "Accept the love we deserve". I deserve better than this BS! One of those, I need to move on moments. I didn't sleep as well as normal either. Funny thing is I had became use to sleeping alone, but was bothered some by it last night since she was gone. I simply internalized and tried to process the thoughts / emotions. Not sure what I have, other than frustration. Oh, and I guess better self control as I didn't act out so to speak on the negatives when they occurred. Much better than the last time she went out.
Side note, I did not yet get her a "romantic" gift. I did buy her a few thiughtful things she said she wanted a while ago (eg 80s dvds that she "wished" we had so she could watch with D). Does that count? If not, definitely share a thought or two as in going out for one last adventure later on today.
And thoughts, abiyt "my" last night would be greatly appreciated.
Andrew, what I meant was to be love. Love to yourself, first and foremost, and that will spread to everyone else. Which brings me to YOUR night out. When is it happening? Make sure you schedule it. And sorry if I continue sounding too new-agey, but don't see this a "fighting" for your marriage, but "moving toward" happiness in your union with your W.
Your frustration? Understandable. But the worst it's over for the most part.
Your present sounds very thoughtful and loving--a reflection of you :-)
Hang in there, Andrew. You're doing well. Just remember to take care of yourself.
Trying to love myself. Always been a challenge since I put everyone else before me. And no, not too new agey for me.
We alternate weekends so this will be mine coming up. The tricky part is that her SIL is flying in so we all generally hang out together. Then again, maybe that's what I need to do even more so.
So, yesterday I wad in a sad mood despite celebrating Christmas eve at our home with W's family. The SIL that lives here even asked how come I was down. Told her it was b/c of a cold I do have. W actually gave it to me. I think a part of the sadness is due to the possibility of this being our last family Christmas. Near the end of the night I was somewhat accepting of that. That ill be fine if it is.
Last night sleep wise was rough. S7 kept coming down every hour. W had a coughing fit and then S2 woke up early. What else do you expect. . The weird thing is W and I were snuggly extra tight. She even held me for awhile.
So we opened present and what not. W actually made the comment of how, "thoughtful" I am with gifts. Did you tell her to use that word? We've been lounging and are getting ready to head to my family's. While getting dressed (me), she made the comment of how I am building mass / size to my upper body. You would think that I'd be on cloud 9, but I'm not. I'm allowing her / her phone to get to me. As I write this I know its my choice. I need to change that. I need to have fun. So we'll see.
Merry Christmas Everyone!
Let's each hope we get that Christmas Miracle we all have been DB'ing for.
Merry Christmas afa. I have been telling myself throughout this holiday 'its my choice' to keep my emotions steady and positive. it helps. Keep it up :-)
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Thanks Busting! Glad I'm not alone. Part of it seems to be W cycling back and forth between loving, friendly, and withdrawn but nice (and everything in between).
. The weird thing is W and I were snuggly extra tight. She even held me for awhile.