In Limbo

[AJW]

@labug

Thanks for the response. Yeah I'll try to keep posting even if there isn't much to say.

My wife's complaints include me being mean, selfish and controlling. I do admit in part that I was and I certainly want to respect that even if I think I wasn't, that's how she felt regardless. My concern is that even though the emotional affair and the separation are a recent development, she's always been somewhat of a 'wayward' spouse. Eh, time will tell. I have let my emotions become codependent on her - and in some ways I think that's necessary in marriage. But I'm trying to GAL as best I can with her coming around all the time. I keep myself busy with my D and household chores, getting healthy, visiting friends and family, etc. That's all I can do, right?

Interestingly, my W said that she still wants to come to church with us. I told her that's great, but keep in mind that our friends are not gonna let her off the hook and act like nothing is wrong. The church does not gloss over things.

Be the change...indeed!

[labug]

You keep glossing over her complaints but you agree with her "in part."

What exactly do you agree with and what have you done to change that?

Selfish for some might be he never lets me watch what I want on TV, bur for others it may be he spends all the money and only gives me $20/wk.

she's always been somewhat of a 'wayward' spouse.

Again, what does that mean?

You will probably get more responses the more real and honest you can be here.

[AJW]

Well right now she just speaks in absolute and vague terms that aren't helpful towards reconciliation, if she speaks at all. And since I'm trying to GAL and detach, I'm not bringing things up and asking her. Hopefully she'll be more vocal as MC continues. The reason for the separation, according to her, is so she can 'clear her head' and she hopes it will 'soften her heart' towards me.

When I say she's always been somewhat of a wayward spouse, I mean that her heart hasn't really been in the marriage and she doesn't put the work into the day-to-day realities of marriage. She wants love to 'feel natural' and I think she has this idea that true love is effortless and fairytale like. She's said things like, 'I've always gotten along with guys much better than women.' Well, that's a problem when you're married, because marriage is by nature a relationship with boundaries. If that's what she means by 'controlling', then don't let the door hit you on the way out.

In many ways, her actions and behaviors are more like the traditional man in a relationship. I'm the one that tries to have conversations about the relationship and work through things, while she tends to stonewall me because I'm 'smothering' her, etc.

But I certainly am making the changes that I know I need to make to be a better husband and person in general. I agree that I have been selfish, that I like to have my way. I need to be more flexible. I also need to be more sensitive when she does finally open up and tell me something. We have serious communication issues and always have. Unfortunately, I want to work through them, and she's spent the last two years planning her exit strategy.

[AJW]

Kind of blew my DB strategy mildly today. I texted my wife about some house/daughter business and then ended up asking her if she was still interested in the weekly date that she agreed upon per our MC's recommendation (I hadn't brought it up since last Friday).

She said: "yeah we can do that or maybe every other week."
I said: "OK I don't want to press it if you're not in it."
She said: "why not every other week we can try and do something."
I said: "Whatever works for you I guess."

I wanted to say: “Because you agreed to do it every week the last time we talked. Stop playing these frickin games!”

Oi. Overall it wasn’t a terrible exchange, but I was hoping to be able to not bring it up at all and let it come up at the MC appt. Thursday. It just seems like she wants some sense of control so this is how she can get under my skin. This stuff just pisses me off to no end.

[AJW]

Can I just say something to her like, "I don't think you should go to MC if you're not ready to put in the work required"?

[AJW]

Can I just say something to her like, "I don't think you should go to MC if you're not ready to put in the work required"?

[JustStunned]

Ahhh you can, but it reads to me like:

This stuff just pisses me off to no end.

If your intention is to escalate the conflict you’ll get it.

Communication is better accomplished calmly. Think of it this way if you were attempting to attract a squirrel feed from your hand how would you communicate?

JMO, better to agree to the proposed schedule, not text except for essentials and get out and GAL.

[AJW]

So that's another thing. We agreed tentatively that our daughter would sleep at our house Saturday - Wednesday and my wife could take her to her sister's Thursday and Friday night. However, my wife comes to the house when she's not working, generally to spend time with our daughter. But if the idea is for her to spend time away from me, how will this be accomplished? I'm still seeing her nearly every day. It all makes it difficult to GAL.

[AnotherStander]

MC's love to recommend the weekly dating thing and it's a great idea for marriages that are going through a hiccup, but a very bad idea for marriages on the brink of disaster. When one spouse is checked out, pushing the couple together each week does more harm than good. In fact, counseling itself usually isn't a good idea if one spouse is checked out because they will only hear what they want to hear. At some point the MC will say something like "things aren't going well, perhaps a separation is in order" and then the checked out spouse will suddenly act like they've just heard the greatest idea ever. This is exactly what happened in my sitch and I've read the same scenario in many other sitches too.

[AJW]

MC's love to recommend the weekly dating thing and it's a great idea for marriages that are going through a hiccup, but a very bad idea for marriages on the brink of disaster. When one spouse is checked out, pushing the couple together each week does more harm than good. In fact, counseling itself usually isn't a good idea if one spouse is checked out because they will only hear what they want to hear. At some point the MC will say something like "things aren't going well, perhaps a separation is in order" and then the checked out spouse will suddenly act like they've just heard the greatest idea ever. This is exactly what happened in my sitch and I've read the same scenario in many other sitches too.

So what do I do in this scenario? She’s agreed to the MC and the dating. When I bring it up and say something like, “Are you sure you really want to do the MC?”, she gets pissed off that I’m asking. Seems wrong to just flat out say “I don’t want to do MC with you because I sense your heart isn’t in it.” Although I think that’s true, her heart isn’t really in it right now. Even with the separation it’s not getting any easier!!!