Am thinking after the holidays ( as not to ruin it for the kids) , it is time to walk away. Can't live my life like this any more. Find myself not caring and I am starting to hate him and resent him for what he is doing.
I have a question. Need an answer if possible. We have not told the kids about what has been going on with his affair with the other woman. My DB coach as well as my AR coach said I shouldn't . I am now going to use the LRT and start detaching myself, do I tell the kids we are separating? I hate to deceive them as I have been doing to cover for his sorry butt, but I also do not want to hurt them if we are able to work things out. We don't see much of each other anyways, but think maybe it is time the kids learned the truth about thier dad and what he has been doing. Any advice?
Not to butt in but I have a couple of thoughts for you to think about. I suspect I know what you will say or feel in response to some of it. First I agree LRT is what you should be doing. Secondly, you have already stated your boundary by telling H he had to choose. Stand firm in that. Meaning, while you may not be ready for D you are also not willing to play second fiddle. So until OW is out of the picture no relationship with you. Thirdly do you really want to be in a M where your H doesnt wholeheartedly want to be in or be committed to? Finally- it is up to you to really decide if OW is a deal breaker for you. I suspect not but honestly the LRT is your best option. The purpose is two fold - one to protect yourself from further hurt and two to REALLY give your H a taste of life without you and your family.
As for the kids I'm not sure of their ages but yes if you guys are separating you should be honest. How much detail you go into is up to you. My experience is that affairs have a tendency to wither when exposed publicly. That said you do not want to just be telling everyone and your kids. At the same time if someone asks don't lie either. For me I have always felt that natural consequences work best. That way they feel real emotions for their actions and repercussion but also it keeps you from being blamed for those consequences.
At this point, I would LRT completely. Once you feel a little stronger perhaps talk to H and figure out when and how to tell your children if that is the step you will be taking. Someone said earlier it is all about your him and they are correct BUT you need to focus on you!! Make it about you. Examine why H felt need for affair in the first place. There's a book called after the affair. I highly recommend it.
The ball is in your court. I know as counterintuitive as it seems you are not powerless here. Take control of your life and let H control his.
You are going to hear it over and over but detach. It is simply a way of protecting yourself!! YOU MATTER!
Our kids are : D- married living stateside -24 S- single working in camp -22 comes home as often as possible S- single working in town - 18- lives at home D- in high school - 16 - lives at home
They all adore dad. This would devastate them. We are right now waitng for him to call as we are supposed to meet him tomorrow to go to his parents. He told my oldest son to get his truck fueled up to go I am sure he is at the OW house. And have no idea if he is going to show or call. I know he was so angry at issuing the U that he didn't want to talk to me. I guess I am afraid he won't show up, then what? Go to his parents that is a 12 hr drive away? He even told his mom that we would be coming?
He told me Friday that we were still going but haven't heard from him all weekend. I have only texted him with comments that his kids are asking me and that his mom called asking when we would be there. Christmas Eve tomorrow and no idea what we are doing
H has always said he is not leaving me but has also said he can't leave her. It is devestating to hear them talk or text in my presence, got to the point I couldn't take it- hence the ultimatum. Not the best thing to do but felt I had no choice.was going insane. I was starting to seriously resent him and was constantly angry, the kids know I am not happy but not about the OW. I told him I couldn't take it, I was at my breaking point. I know I can't live with her in my life, and also know the damage it would do to our kids -Divorce would crush them. They are resultant yes, but thier dreams of thier dad would be shattered. I am going to do the detachment - LRT. if only for my piece of mind.i don't want to get to the point of me hating him and filing
And funny I started to detach and came towards me.. But when they would call or text in my presence, I got angry. It was his actions that I got angry about and that he wouldn't talk that got me to the breaking point. Everthing I was doing regressed and now I have to start over with the LRT.
