Be warned, however, that those who you thought would be on your side might take your W's side. So be sure you're doing it for the RIGHT reasons and not just to get back at her. Sometimes (not always), exposure works when the LBS is done and ready to file and just wants to clear their name. If your W feels like you're doing it to punish her and you're being vindictive, then it won't work. She has to WANT to go back to you. Not be FORCED to.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I am sorry to hear this, but I do know in just the one day I began the 180, it made a HUGE difference. It is such a confidence booster because you see that you can be happy without the WAS!!! And they see that too I think.
Me: 40 H: 44 M:3 years T: 4 years Me: S9, D7 H: SS8; Twins: SD1=10 and SD2=10 Both married before.
Dude....if you want to have a shot at saving your marriage do not tell anyone. If you want it to end and speed up D then tell. The irony is that she will never trust you again. You also never know her sister may already know and is supportive. Her sister may have had an A too. In my case this was true. Or it may actually devastate her family and spread more hurt. Clearly some issues within your W that need to be resolved. This will not win her back by being the narc. It will only create havoc and more resentment. You are in panic mode and that is understandable but remember your training is also not to panic in an emergency or other people may get hurt. Bw rational and solutions oriented.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
To late. Already done! She flipped out when I sent her a text of what my new cell number was. Then got even more pist when she found out I moved back in. She said why are you being difficult and a hard ass all the sudden! I just kept saying that I didn't have anything to say and didn't want to discuss it further. I told her I opened a new checking account and changed all my direct deposits as well. She then began to blame me, and said I was going to ruin us. Had she stopped and thought about what she was saying, it would have registered that, that is exactly what she is doing. But it was all made to be my fault. She said what's changed the last 2 weeks we have been getting along good. And just kept asking/saying that. I stayed with I had nothing to say. She doesn't know what to do now that she doesn't have her cake and eating it too!
if you have not told anyone about the A, I suggest you do not at this point. Believe me, it's a whole new set of issues. The bank account etc is fine and is an important legal and financial position. I did the bank account and deposit of pay etc based on legal opinions and people that have been through it. My W flipped out on it, but it is very important and too bad for them if they are initiating S. Protect yourself that way and be in control of your own life. If you disclose the A to her family and friends etc, then it is seen as controlling her life. She will never ever forgive you. I know that is the irony of it all, but if you want to reconcile, that will be a bigger problem and probably nail it shut. Telling your own family and friends is different because it impacts you, but also be aware of those consequences of not being able to reconcile.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
As I posted before, I have already told her sister. I moved back in yesterday and my W is not happy about it. I am not doing any of this to be vindictive, I want my W to get help. She just admitted that she has been depressed for a long time and didn't feel she could come to me. I said all of this may have been resolved by talking to me a long time ago. I think we were over before I ever told her sister. Even if that's the case she needs help and if this speeds up her getting help then that's what I want. Whether we can resolve our issues and start over is yet to been seen, but she needs help. But now I am a dick for moving back in to my own home. I told her that if I wasn't allowed to stay at my house and sleep in my bed no one else was either! I have proof that some guy spent the night last weekend. She is still lying to me so that's a big problem. I am sticking by my guns of I'm not leaving, she is the one that wants out. She can be the one to leave. When I said this she then blames me for being a d#*k and making a power play, and that I'm going to ruin our family by not sticking to *our* plan. This plan was hers and what she wants.
I have not heard anything back, and my W hasn't said anything. I decided yesterday to expose her to her other sister that lives closer to us as well. And she said she would talk to her to see where she is at, but also advised that she was going through some stuff with depression. So I felt like a selfish A.....!
Last night we were talking finances because I moved all my direct deposits to a new account. And she says, glad you are finally taking an interest in all this after 8 F'ing years! All you had to worry about was mowing the grass and taking out the garbage! You're a grown a** man step the F' up. I look at this as she is slowly telling me how she feels, which is a huge step up from hiding it. But how can I use this to a positive if she has been holding all this in, and it's gotten to a point where our marriage is scorched?
What do you hope to accomplish by exposing her to her sisters? Is the reason you told the second sister b/c you did not see any apparent results from the first sister?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
