T, Listen to your horoscope! Patience and timing are the keys. Dig deeper for patience and know that this is not on your timeline!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Verrryyy interesting couple of days ... it is late so I am probably going to be brief and to the point, aka, terse mode... lol
Yesterday (Friday), W seemed more off than usual. Lots of talking...and I must say I did a damn good job of validating and letting her roll her stuff without judgement.
This morning, very early, she jumps into our bed (she's been sleeping apart during the kids and our illnesses) and is in "talk" and "issue" mode...we have talked 6-10 hours today, and have I gotten so many "answers".
-She wants to try to keep the family together, make this work. -She still isn't "in love" with me. But recognizes that feelings can change, even if she doesn't think so atm. -She apologized again for hurting me, and all the LIES. She hates that she did. -I got a lot of info on the OMs, much more there though, to come, maybe. -Really, so much talking, all over the place, so many topics. -I got to talk a lot about what I have learned here, without ID-ing the source, she was very open. -I really got tested on how "safe" I REALLY am...glad those changes were for me, because it got verryyy heavy...she kept stopping, afraid, then I showed that which I am now made of, she got a lot out, but there is so much more. -we had s3x...much as I wish it was ML, it was just s3x, and, it was less than optimal...no kissing etc, kind of like right before BD, and now she was worried that this was a sign that "us" was done...had to do some de-bunking there. And I think I need to enforce a rH boundary, no sex until commitment, and kissing and other intimacy first...guys take note! -the "last" OM went NC yesterday...oh, she got dumped. SOOOO, this is what started it, been here before. He beat her to the punch, if I understand W correctly...and she is not too happy about it. -I held her hand through the Phase 1 OM ending issues in 2010, so I got this covered, for the very last time, methinks.
IDK, either this is a bottom, a turn, OR, it is HPD/BPD hoovering...open and alert for both/either possibilities.
But the eyes said it's a turn, most of the time, I observed. I saw a lot of the W I knew today and last night, fascinating how their faces change SO much, once you learn to recognize it...and she spent a lot of time "just looking" at me the past couple of weeks.
I did tell her, that I was not going to live this way forever, that I needed her to be committed to ME, our M, along with the kids. That the OM/OP needed to stop, that transparency needed to occur. The lies must stop. The rest can be dealt with as needed, "from this day forward", forgiven, fresh start...or she should go. And please do go if you cannot do the above. <--- That is a change for me lately...I really can let it go now the past couple/few months, I really will be okay without W, and this was talked about a lot today.
So much I learned about her multiple OMs journey, so much more too learn, I do think I was tested, and I showed that I am safe.
This charter school closing issue seems to be giving us something together to work on, a common goal, pushing some things out.
Wow, I am so tired and overloaded, I hope this made some sense...
Thoughts, comments, advice welcome as always!
T^2
and some lyrics to spin from the Foo Fighters "These Days":
One of these days the ground will drop out from beneath your feet
One of these days your heart will stop and play its final beat
One of these days the clocks will stop and time won't mean a thing
One of these days their bombs will drop and silence everything
But it's all right Yet it's all right I said it's all right
Easy for you to say Your heart has never been broken Your pride has never been stolen
Not yet not yet
One of these days I bet your heart'll be broken I bet your pride'll be stolen I'll bet I'll bet I'll bet I'll bet
One of these days One of these days
One of these days your eyes will close and pain will disappear
One of these days you will forget to hope and learn to fear
But it's all right Yet it's all right I said it's all right
Easy for you to say Your heart has never been broken Your pride has never been stolen
Not yet not yet
One of these days I bet your heart'll be broken I bet your pride'll be stolen
I'll bet I'll bet I'll bet I'll bet...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T The tides are changing! She's waking up a bit each and every time she talks to you. You continue to validate her thoughts and feelings and she feels very safe with you.
You've stated how you feel and what needs to take place, now allow her to digest your coments. Patience! Continue as you have been. She's on her way home!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think sometimes as the LBS, we search for/want answers so much, even if its not what we want to hear. Sounds like you got a lot of info yesterday, which I think is truly a testament to wife feeling "safe" with you.
I like that you told her you weren't going to do this forever. I feel/think the same thing everyday. It's one thing to live this way temporarily as we are choosing to stand, but totally different to spend the rest of our lives this way. Not gonna happen!
After reading your post, I thought of another Foo Fighters song-
"It's times like these you learn to live again It's times like these you give and give again It's times like these you learn to love again It's times like these time and time again"
I know happy times are ahead for you - keep up the awesome work T!
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
I'm so happy for you T, you deserve this. I'm following your sitch closely... and taking notes.
I also especially like that you told her you wouldn't be waiting around forever.
Quote:
That is a change for me lately...I really can let it go now the past couple/few months, I really will be okay without W, and this was talked about a lot today.
Surely you must have known you'd be ok without your W for years now, no?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I think we are all taking notes... I'm about on my 5th Bible sized notebook now
And yes FY, we would be okay without our S's. Part of me thinks I actually might be better off without him as the man he is right now. Now the man I married, well, that's a totally different story...
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
I'm overwhelmed and excited for you with this last post!
SUCH a lot to process!
You are able to articulate what you need, sounds like, at the same time that you are able to see/evaluate her processing. It is SO exciting that she feels safe with you, as snodderly & tvs said. There is much more to come from her, and you are the man to be able to take it!
I especially like the Foo Fighters song that tvs quoted.
Interesting how the charter school closing, although apparently a negative, will give you two a common goal to work on. I find that so positive.
So happy for you, T^2. You've some so far and put so much work into yourself and your sitch. You deserve some answers and some happiness (and some ML, too )
Keep going!!!!!
rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
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