I don't even know were to begin with this story! I will try to for the short version.
As I expressed in my last post H and I were talking about ea/ow mainly because she was drunk and rang his phone 25x's on Fri. night while he was at work. I was at work with him and privy to this info.
As his phone rang he said he hadn't talked to her all week trying create some distance. But, when she's drunk she doesn't handle that well.
I told him I will never except this so he needs to leave and go live a life I will always find unacceptable. I was very serious, and unwavering from my words and intensity in my eyes, that were focused directly into his.
I stopped talking after that and he started to explain his justification for needing ea, as I refused to hear it (by way of walking out) he began to speak very highly of me.
We walked to have lunch (night shift 2am) while I continued to stand my ground as we sat quietly. Next thing I know h starts talking about our R. He starts with saying "I could live the rest of my life with you, you are still a beautiful women to me"! Huh!
Ok, so I don't say a word. He continues saying I am a great mom, wife, person, all the good stuff and that life with me is a good one.
He admits that he has not been as attentive as a good H should be, and then brings up the PA he had back 18 months ago, that lasted 6 months. He explained that he was going through thoughts of his teen life and all he missed out on, MLC?
I still have not spoken...honestly my mind was racing through ever bit of info I have ever read or gotten from people on this site. I could see the writing...don't bring up R,M, STFU!
He continues to try to explain, but not justifying his actions this time, what was going through his mind, saying that being married did not factor into his thoughts at the time, and that he should have acknowledged that he was.
He wants the kids to say home as long as they need, he believes it will give them a good footing in life. He has been thinking about the future, making sure there is enough money for him and I to live comfortable.
He starts to admit that he doesn't have "it" anymore to keep working as he has (workaholic) and is worried. At this point I said the original plan was to have me work and you slow down, but now we are in a bigger mess and have gone nowhere wasting the last 2yrs.
Admittingly he says he is not blind to the things he has brought on us and what he has done to me, as well as seeing that I am truly at my end.
We kinda left it at that...when he stopped I didn't pursue.
Any thoughts? What do I do with this? Does this mean anything, good or bad? I know not to change anything, keep GAL and detaching, don't trust the script. BUt, it this something else.
I would love some feed back on this...I feel way to close to it all right now!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Wow DM. Keep hanging in and think of what you really want and really need at this point. I would not even waver from the course you are on now. Let him keep talking stfu lol!
You are amazing and you deserve what you want AND what you need
I really needed to hear some encouragement right now. It's so hard to have been in the mind frame of "it's over" and now trying to validate his conversation without judgement.
Yes, I have to look deep inside myself for what I want and need.
Staying the course, STFU!!!!! Holding on to me!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
That is A LOT of info the H gave you, sounds like he is bouncing along the bottom and some reality is cutting through his fog...sit quietly with this, keep that path open for him to keep feeling safe to open up with you.
IMO, this is the beginning...you might be learning a lot about H in the next few months if you keep that line open.
Here a quote from HB from here:
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they won't tell everything; but it will be enough that you'll know they're sincere.
And positive changes WILL be made that can be seen clearly..if they aren't ready, these changes aren't forthcoming..and they will still be blaming you with THEIR problems that you know are NOT yours; you didn't break them, therefore you can't fix them.
Hang in there! I am hoping this is the break through for you that we all hope for in this journey!
As Snodderly says, sit quietly, the answers will come...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I still have not spoken...honestly my mind was racing through ever bit of info I have ever read or gotten from people on this site. I could see the writing...don't bring up R,M, STFU!
LOL! Well that's awesome, you did the right thing in just letting him speak and not trying to interject anything. Well done! You do NOT want to tell him things that we are all inclined to say in these sitches like "it's OK", "don't worry about it", "it's not all your fault", etc. Just be quiet and listen because he's voicing what's been boiling around in his head all this time. You did great!
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Does this mean anything, good or bad?
It's a very good sign, you gave him time and space and he's sorting it out. He's not done yet though, it's still going to take time.
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I know not to change anything, keep GAL and detaching, don't trust the script.
Right. Think of the squirrel analogy:
If you try to feed a squirrel by hand, you have to hold perfectly still. It will slowly come to you, but even if you don't move, it will sometimes get scared and retreat. But it will return and get a little closer each time. If you get impatient and make any move towards it, it will quickly run the other way and the entire process starts all over again from the beginning. But if you remain patient, it will come closer and closer until it will finally take the nut from you.
DM, not entirely familiar with your sich, and your title caught my attn. I do have say this sounds good for you. STFU far from easy, but worth it (i had a similar experience last night with my W).
Thank you everyone for showing me that I am not alone. This is what makes it a little easier to "sit quietly, and let answers come".
I'm not asking H anything, he is just ready sometimes to talk. I have noticed that these last few days he has actually been looking me straight in the eyes when he speaks. Almost as if he's speaking to me instead of at me, go figure!
There has not been any blame in my direction and he seems to be, at times, not treating me as if I am a leper. Months ago he refereed to my leprosy as detaching from me, letting me go so he can freely move on.
He recently explained the thought behind that was if he wasn't tied to me he was free to live a single carefree life. Something that 2yrs ago his brain flipped around to make perfect sense to him, today he feels the guilt (his words).
I am in no way taking any of this as a new turn in our R. I feel as if he may be feeling me out to see the damage he may have caused, is causing!
Thanks again for reading and posting, everything I do that works comes from all of you!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
