I know of two couples that divorced and remarried. No they had nothing to do with DB. One couple, the gal's grandmother died and her ex heard about it, called and helped her work through her grief. He was very supportive without ulterior motives. They discovered, they both still had feelings for each other, they both worked on their issues and remarried a couple of years later.
The other couple, I was a kid when this all happened so don't know all the details except that he divorced his wife because he was having an affair. Figured out that he really loved his wife. He made amends, they remarried, had a baby and have been together for the second time for over 38 years.
2 is such a low number. I certainly wouldn't pin my hopes on reconsiliation. In my case ex married his affair partner. We get along fairly well but I imagine part of that is that I do not have a guy in my life that he needs to deal with. I would say don't go looking for it but if the situation arises it might well be up to the person who left, to start rebuilding things. Actions speak volumes.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
"Are you advising me (or anyone else) no contact, no nothing, because it's just easier to say no? "
Ummm no. It's because that's what the other person like the XGF wanted. You can't "force" yourself onto another person and the more you push trying to be around her, it becomes creepy.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Whoa, whoa...okay, I've opened a can of worms here. This is an open forum, isn't it? That's why I'm here throwing out my ideas and options. If I were actually self-absorbed, I would have gone ahead with my "plans" on my own, and NOT have come here, or seek advice from friends/family (I currently still am).
I don't think you opened a can of worms. I don't think anyone of us called you self absorbed.. where did you get this from?
Do you feel like we are attacking you? I'm asking sincerely.
Originally Posted By: alamo76
- How would your ex know that you're still available in the future, if they chose to do so? We assume that they will if they're ready and/or want to, but are we forgetting that there's such a thing as shame or embarrassment? Not everyone in the world has gone through DB/DR, so it's quite possible and natural for your ex (when they've come to their senses) chooses NOT to contact you because they're ashamed of initiating contact with you in the first place. So both of you go on with life, and let a golden opportunity slip you by, no thanks to a simple ego flaw!
I dont forget there is shame and embarrassment... but I also feel it is their responsibilities to overcome their issues....
... not that you can't assist in that.. but if you have never closed the door - and they still don't come in... well that's all you can really do right?
Can't you see how much you are trying to control the outcome? How you think if you do x, she will do y?
I get being analytical.. I am too.. but becareful when it comes to using it as an excuse.
Look up caretaking vs. caregiving. You might have your mind blown.
Originally Posted By: alamo76
- Why are we saying that the standard reaction from the ex would be to pull away if we even try to do SOMETHING? Do psychological/behavioral studies support this unanimously? That's why I brought up in one of my previous posts asking if there's also a difference in reaction between married couples, dating couples, long-term or short-term. And yes, I believe it does matter, which brings me to my next question...
I dont think it does. I've recently had my best friend tell me that he has started to develop feelings from me. We've been friends for 2 yrs.
I don't feel the same.. so because of this new info I know perceive everything different. Every time he txts, i think it's pursuit. I have no idea if it's actually true.. but I instantly want to put distance between us.
I find it unattractive, I find it needy.
I fight this because it was not so long ago that I was on the other side... so I know that its my perception and mind-reading of the interactions....
... and that for all I know he could still just being friendly.
But I do believe that interactions that make us uncomfortably, we tend to run away from vs. deal with.
Originally Posted By: alamo76
- Are you advising me (or anyone else) no contact, no nothing, because it's just easier to say no? Is this fear-based reasoning? I mean, we are told "Don't drink and drive." The underlying message is if you drink and drive and get in an accident you'll die or kill others. But yet, in certain circumstances it's okay to do so, e.g. drinking a tiny sip of wine, or depending on our alcohol tolerance (that's why we only get in trouble if we fail the breathalyzer test, which also has a certain limit), etc. "No" is to keep us safe, to keep us out of trouble. It's used because it's assumed that we're immature and irresponsible.
I agree with Mr. Bond's answer...
except what do you mean "easier" to say no..
I don't think letting someone go lovingly is easy at all. Staying focused on our own needs is easier... and that's NOT calling you self-absorbed.
I don't believe NC has to be forever (although in some cases it happens). It's meant to give space, allow emotions to settle, heal.. etc.
But you know all this right??
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Alamo - First of all - let's clarify about DBing. Hardcore DBing is for saving a marriage where you have a big investment in time, commitment, and possibly children.
Most of it is NOT applicable to dating. Dating is a period of time to FIND OUT if you are compatible with the other person. It is NOT a time to scheme, plot, strategize your way INTO a relationship. At this point in your life, you should want nothing to do with any woman who doesn't think you're just the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Quote:
When we met 4 months ago, we texted more than 1000 messages in 2 weeks and racked up more than 40 hours talk time within that same amount of time.
Ok Alamo - this right here is a problem. You're a grownup, right? A HEALTHY grownup doesn't act this way when getting into a relationship. This is unhealthy, love addict, infatuation behavior.
Look - I have a guy writing to me right now. He's funny and smart and I find him interesting. We will probably get along great when we meet. We are having a nice active flirtation, and text a few times a day, and have spoken on the phone a couple of times. But I'd guess we're at about TEN PERCENT of what you describe.
If some guy started texting me hundreds of times I'd run for the hills. Because in those early stages, you don't REALLY know each other. You have a FANTASY of who the other person is, but you don't really know them yet. And that kind of obsessive behavior just confirms that what's happening is fantasy, not reality-based.
Now, if it was really all that great, AND if she's not the mess I suspect she is, she'll come back. You DON'T need to do any more pursuing - she already KNOWS how you feel. And trust me, you don't want to seduce her back - you want her to come back because she can't live without you.
