Tumbling, I just saw your post on my thread. I was thinking about you yesterday and wondering how you were doing! I've missed you. Thanks again for everything.
I know I don't post so much now that my sitch has changed. BUT I do still think of everyone here and will remain eternally thankful to all those who supported me from the time I joined in September.
I hope you are all where you want to be and turning the page into the first month of 2013 has been a positive one.
Journalling
I saw L on Jan 2nd. He freaked me out about asset splitting and confused me all the more about the forms I have to complete. I also was dumb enough to think D could be done by early March if I started in January but he explained that on average it's 6-9 months.
I realised then that I was rushing things and that to keep H onside I would need to stop acting like a bull in a china shop and bulldoze him through the process so I have been pausing for a few weeks. It's gonna take as long as it takes.
Have decided now to use an online divorce website to effectively project manage this for me at much less cost to us than a L. So today I registered and filled in the questionnaire and then they will fill in the petition for me, send it to me for signing and then they file it with the court.
I'm scared H will hold this process up. He has no reason to slow it down but I know he is rubbish at being responsible with any form of paperwork. From my understanding he has to acknowledge being served and confirm he is not contesting the D. I fear I will never be D'd and free from the control he has had over my life for so long.
H and I communicate by text - sometimes he sends me the old good morning Tumbling x text, which I ignore - I am being amicable but not overly friendly. I am single focused on getting D and splitting the assets.
And by email about D related stuff. He doesn't reply as fast as I would like but he does reply these days.
As to me People who haven't seen me for months continue to tell me that I am "shining" from the inside. They say I am all smiley. I thought I had been smiling these past two years but they tell me I was but I seemed weighed down at the same time.
I do feel "shiny" and bright.
I continue to work on my Self and Newman continues to be lovely. I am finding I have many responses that were put in place in order to placate H that are not appropriate. What is great is that I only need to have these responses once, have them questioned by Newman and realise they are not appropriate.
Sometimes this brings on tears as I realise how controlled and even bullied I allowed my Self to be and NM just holds me (tears in eyes now just thinking about all the things I allowed my Self to believe just to keep the peace).
Learning point - I will never compromise my Self or my values again.
So NM and I are still on a slow road and have not gone "public" other than to closest friends that there is someone "special" in our lives. We have no idea where this will lead and are just enjoying what it is. It may be a stepping stone or a bridge to forever but whatever it is, it's helping me heal and move forward with my life.
More soon
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
I am not familiar with the D process in the UK, but I'm guessing that it's a long process and will take a while. Why would your H hold the process? Didn't he say you deserved someone better and rejected your offer to reconcile? Is the reason financial?
If he is "served" he'll have no option but to acknowledge it.
Try to see your H with compassion and kindness. He behaved like a bully and a jerk, but if you remain peaceful and positive, the process will be a lot smoother.
Good call on taking your new R slowly. Keep that up.
Good call on not answering his texts. He can call if he needs to talk to you.
I gather your H suffers from low self-esteem, and he is afraid. Nothing you can do about it.
That's awesome, Tumbling. I'm so happy for you to have met someone who treats you so well. I think taking it slow is a good thing.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Thank you Tori, Wendylon, InsideOut and SoulSearching for posting on my thread esp as I don't show up so much these days :-)
Thank you too for being positive about NM. I am amazed that someone is being so kind and gentle with me. It really highlights what was lacking in my M for so long.
Help! Tomorrow night I am going to see H, if he doesn't bail. I am really anxious about it.
The reasons I feel on edge are: - we don't need to see each other - this is just following up a suggestion he made in Dec that we got together in the new year to discuss assets. - we haven't seen each other for 3 months - I don't know how I am going to react - I don't feel safe around him emotionally because he hasn't seemed to care about my feelings for a long time - He has not really engaged about the divorce process - he accepts it but he hasn't really answered any of my asset division questions/suggestions in emails - When I send him messages (emails/texts) that contain both types of coms (how are you?/ I have been to see a solicitor) he only answers the non-D stuff
Example I text him tonight: Hello - just an update re docs, the online divorce www has prepared the petition for downloading - we can review it tom night. Did you know we haven't seen each other for 3 months - it's gonna be weird.
He answered thus: I know. I'm ashamed its been so long. I do think of you every day though and am looking forward to seeing you x
Why does he write this kind of stuff ^^^^^^^^^^^ Is it because he hasn't let go yet? I no longer think of him every day. The only thing I think about is not being married anymore, wishing the process would be done already and whether he will hold it up (not financial reasons Tori - just not bother with it - I did all the paperwork/organising during marriage (bills, holidays, remortaging etc)).
I'm worried he's going to turn up and not engage about the divorce and what we need to sort out. Why will he be any different than other times when we have needed to communicate about uncomfortable things? He lives with his arse in the air and his head in the sand.
I sent another text 1.5hrs ago so that we have a kind of agenda for discussion. It will help me remain in control of what needs to be done.
Me: Hello - just thought I'd list what I think we need to discuss tomorrow - process, selling house, joint account, assets, personal effects - can you think of anything else we need to discuss?
The arrangement is to discuss the divorce etc and then go for a bite to eat (I am not sure about that now - I had suggested it as a carrot)
I want to make sure I can say no to the dinner if I feel uncomfortable around him.
I can also ask him to leave if I feel uncomfortable at any time.
This is really practicing looking after me.
I guess I should cancel if I just can't face it tomorrow. He bailed, I don't know how many times, during the two year separation when I wanted to see him/talk about us.
I really don't think we need to see each other to discuss this stuff. I just want to keep him onside.
What do you think?
Any thoughts/suggestions gratefully received.
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
"I really don't think we need to see each other to discuss this stuff. I just want to keep him onside."
this is how you feel about it. i read a bunch of negatives for you in this meeting. i don't think you want to do it. you don't seem to think it will accomplish what you need and already have an escape plan.
i think you will be more comfortable handling things through the mail, email, text.
but, if you think he won't cooperate with you any way but in person, you may have to go.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Thanks Scaredsilly for your post. Writing it out clarified it for me so that in the end I got to the part where I could see that it isn't going to do any good seeing him. I don't want/need to see him.
I don't think either of us can handle it. I am just not good at letting people down but if I don't express my needs I let my self down.
I don't know how to say that I want to cancel the meeting...
"H, I don't think we need to see each other to discuss this stuff. I am not ready to see you yet. Sorry"
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
. Keep in touch occasionally, won't you?