I am a newbie here, but have been reading the great information on this site, and would like to share my story and get some suggestions and support.
Basic info:
Husband and I are both 35, both of our second marriages We went to middle and high school together, knew each other but weren’t real close. So 12 years later, both of us are divorced and I find him on a social site and we start chatting. Instantly hit it off, move in together within 7 months, engaged after about 10 months and married the following year. Have been married for 4 years. One 2 year old daughter (no children from 1st marriages)
H moved out November 3. He had threatened lots of times – see more about that below. (sorry this is so long!)
We have been having issues for nearly a year. The problems seemed to come to light when I began losing weight in July of 2011. I got to feeling much better about myself and craving his attention in a more sexual manner. This was met with much resistance and I was rejected A LOT. This went on for several months without much talk about why, but I was really hurt.
Some other background info that may be pertinent, we always joke about our roles being reversed, as far as he is more emotional etc, I would be more like the typical ‘man’ of the relationship. I also am in control of all finances, most general decisions, etc – not by choice, more by default. As far as being new parents, we always said we would go on dates a few times a month and make sure to keep our marriage priority. Then baby came along and much of that went out the window. I was kind of a basket case, probably a little post partum. He went about his band stuff etc which I really resented. Even if it wasn’t often, it seemed like it to me.
New Years Eve last year starts a new chapter of this madness. We have a sitter and go to a house party. Not long into the night I suddenly have the stomach flu and have to go home. He decides to go out anyway but instead of going back to the house party, decides to go to a bar. Through text messages that night, he finally tells me that he met up with a mutual friend of ours and her friend. The mutual friend was his friend first. And while she is a nice person, she is divorced and I’ve always thought she had feelings for my H. The next time he and I are out, I had a conversation with him basically saying that it really hurt my feelings that night and that I don’t think it is acceptable to text with single women all the time. (I had went thru the phone bill by this time) He of course said I was over reacting and being silly. Continues to text a lot with this girl, she is at every show he plays, always hanging right with him. And maybe I read too much into this one, but I also feel he was sharing emotional feelings with her, if nothing else, that he should be discussing with his wife.
So now I’m getting rejected constantly, watching his phone bills and seeing him text with this girl and a few others, and we begin to argue about it a lot. He says he can be friends with whomever he wants and says I act like a baby, pouting all the time because I get rejected. And that he went so long without affection, etc that he doesn’t need it anymore. That I had been awful to him since we got married. In between all of this, he would threaten to just leave any time I questioned who he was talking with etc., it happened a lot.
Throw in a few other bits of need info, besides playing in a band (practice etc) he also rides a dirt bike and this summer also bought an old hotrod to work on. I was really angry about buying a car that we couldn’t afford, he eventually did it anyway, getting his own loan and having it taken directly from his check every week. Nice. He doesn’t feel like he works on his hobbies that much, I see it differently. So he says I call him selfish, which I kind of do. (this week he is playing 3 nights, and has practice one night and all day on a weekend – uh, that doesn’t leave much time for your daughter. A couple hours a few mornings and Saturday. But maybe I think about this differently)
So this summer I suggested counseling and shockingly he agrees to go. Went several times together and seemed to be making headway. Then went on our own once and he cancelled his second appt – said the counselor couldn’t fix his ‘heart’ I’m going to counselor tomorrow for myself.
August comes and I find messages between him and a girl – very sexual and a planned meeting that he says didn’t happen. He feels embarrassed but never said sorry. His answer to this was to put a lock on his phone, because it’s none of my business. He has deleted most texts besides ones with guy friends this whole time anyway.
He then begins texting with a girl that says is like ‘his sister’. She’s single. 40-50 messages a day. When I ask him about it he says her daughter is having problems and she talks with him. Uh, find a counselor, not my husband.
So he finally blows up the night I was in a wedding – we all wanted to go out afterwards but he doesn’t. He moves to his parents – because he’s tired of being called the selfish a$$. What’s funny is that while some of our arguments are about selfishness and priorities, most are really about him texting other women. But he should be allowed to have friends of opposite sex. True – if you make sure to talk to your wife as well. When we have discussions about any of these issues, he always threatened to leave, tells me I need to learn when to keep my mouth shut, that he isn’t going to put up with my crap anymore. In my eyes, as his wife, I should have the right to question why he is talking with someone so much.
So I began doing LOTS of reading – working on myself. Came to the conclusion of a MLC because he says our marriage was never good, that I ignored him since we got married (even to the point that he says he made up things he wrote in cards to me. Who would do that?!) And also this car ordeal – and wanting to do his hair different, look like someone different. As well as other things that I’m sure you can pull out of what I wrote.
So I have been reading Divorce Busters and am trying to act ‘as if’, work on myself, make myself and my daughter busy and happy, try new things (which he has noticed) and NOT look at his phone records. I’m having trouble setting boundaries. And sticking with not looking at the text messages. (the week he left he began texting constantly with a 25 yo that I have never heard of in my life, I tried not looking again but broke down Saturday night, still texting the ‘sister’ and the 25 yo. Sunday I made the mistake of having a ‘talk’ – while he was very nice about it he still says he’s ‘on the fence’ and doesn’t love me. I told him that was not what he had been showing and he said he was sorry to lead me on (see below). So now he has kind of pulled back in affection.
Since he has been gone he has been MUCH more attentive to me, things have been much more passionate, even flirting, etc. He comes several mornings a week to take D to daycare and spends several evenings here with us. Even helped me paint all day!
I’m hoping to get some good advice but mostly I need support – people that don’t know him and already have opinions of what is going on because it’s my side of story, Plus, I just don’t think it’s a good idea for them to know so much anyway. I have faith that we can make it thru this and be stronger and happier – but this is a crazy emotional ride!!
So what advice would you give me? Do you agree he is MLC? I don’t want to pull away too much – he is one that requires much attention, don’t want to force him to get it elsewhere. But I also can’t be walked over and let him think I’ll always be here waiting. I have told him we have plans when we do and that we won’t be sitting around waiting for him to come visit, which he understood.
Also, I am reading the divorce remedy now and trying t implement more strategies. As I said above, I am trying to not look at phone records etc and wonder about these other women. My question is should you really just ignore these things and assume that if something is really going on it will eventually come out? I kind of feel by not looking I am just being blind to it. I'm sure plenty of you have dealt with this problem. What do you do?
Hello LMF - your threads are not lost, it takes time, and it seems as if some of the vets are taking some time as well.
I have read your post and it does sound like you going through some nasty MLC spew. Your H is in his selfish phase, narcissistic phase and there is nothing you can say that will make it better.
Stay quiet, boy did I learn that the hard way. Everything you say will be held against you. It sounds like him leaving has been the better choice, but try to stay away for the ''talk''.
If he is responsive to you, never bring it up, it makes them recoil, and don't make anything of it, they can still be 100 persent on board with original plans while feeling out where their at with you.
Silence and peace doesn't mean reconciliation, it just gives them the peacefulness to proceed as far as they feel they need to take this before deciding what they want.
My H was so nice, attentive, as I was quiet and validating, one day he just hit me with, "nothings changed, I still want to leave and don't L you".
That's when I realized it's not me, new clothes, perfume, weight loss, contacts, girly nighty's, nothing matters to the MLCer in this stage. Oh, he noticed even went as far as telling me men were staring, I could get any guy, even a younger one.
This is your gift of time. Whatever he says, don't believe anything, don't count on him, don't trust him. You will feel better when you give him the blame and take care of yourself and D. Be the best you, he will continue to see, be the one in he would be crazy to leave.
You going to C is great, don't stop even if he does. And, your question about giving him attention, I thought the same thing, but it's different attention from different people they sometimes seek.
Different characters...my H calls it balancing his crazy stupid self w/the goodness of me. "He" needs that balance of wild and normal, well it's what I need so I get further and further from him, it's been 18months with this ea crap.
I understand the whole band scene, oh yea, my H works behind stage with the big guys, and yes there is always a skank, so he finally found one that he can "talk to better than me".
But, we can't say anything, literally, it just works against you, and pushes them to ea/ow for more understanding. Remember they meet him and accept him like he is now, you would never want who he is today, would you?
Keep reading and posting, you will get more replies, I will continue to read!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I am trying to not look at phone records etc and wonder about these other women. My question is should you really just ignore these things and assume that if something is really going on it will eventually come out? I kind of feel by not looking I am just being blind to it
This only hurts you, try to stay out of his way, it feels better a little bit more everyday you detach from him and what he's doing. I know that so hard, but it works!!!
DM
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
In reading your post I am not sure your H is MLC. It sounds to me like you've been nagging him a LOT. Always on his case about the lack of sex, who he's texting, where he's going, who he's with, etc. etc. Have you read DR? The nagging is your attempt to communicate to him, but he doesn't see it that way, he just sees it as nagging and he pulls away from you because of it. This probably causes you to nag more which in turn pushes him even farther away. You've got to break the pattern. You said you've been DB'ing and he's showing pursuit interest in you, why do you think that is? Is it because you quit nagging him? Please read the 5 Love Languages, it'll teach you some techniques for communicating with him through love languages. When you do this instead of nagging, it will pull him towards you instead of pushing him away! It will also get results, you fill his love tank first and he will WANT to listen to your needs. And when you start rebuilding the love in your M, he will no longer feel the need to reach out to other women. Forget the texting, forget who he's talking to, work on the one thing you can control- YOU!
In reading your post I am not sure your H is MLC. It sounds to me like you've been nagging him a LOT. Always on his case about the lack of sex, who he's texting, where he's going, who he's with, etc. etc. Have you read DR? The nagging is your attempt to communicate to him, but he doesn't see it that way, he just sees it as nagging and he pulls away from you because of it. This probably causes you to nag more which in turn pushes him even farther away. You've got to break the pattern. You said you've been DB'ing and he's showing pursuit interest in you, why do you think that is? Is it because you quit nagging him? Please read the 5 Love Languages, it'll teach you some techniques for communicating with him through love languages. When you do this instead of nagging, it will pull him towards you instead of pushing him away! It will also get results, you fill his love tank first and he will WANT to listen to your needs. And when you start rebuilding the love in your M, he will no longer feel the need to reach out to other women. Forget the texting, forget who he's talking to, work on the one thing you can control- YOU!
Abolutely agree - I was a total nag and just wanted my old husband back. And did not understand at all that my methods were just making things worse. I have only been aware of Divorce Busters for about 2 weeks - so in that time I have been working on it.
Thanks you for your comments dawn marie. He's still very confusing to me - I still see lots of signs of MLC, but as AnotherStander pointed out, I had become quite the nag - and pretty demanding as well. And a pouter when I didn't get my way lol.
Interesting turn of events this morning though - guess who is now checking MY phone records?! Yep. I'm assuming (that gets me in trouble, I know) that it's because I've been working on giving him space - not asking about anything, only contacting when he contacts me first and keeping things short. I also do not fill him in on particulars, such as last nigth when he asked about my day and I just said it was busy. So I wake up to texts from him about how I've been texting with a mutual guy friend, who I happen to work with as well. (even refers to it as this guy 'trying to pick up my wife') We actually had really good conversation about this whe he came to watch D this morning. Calm, non accusing conversation. And it gave me an opportunity to inquire about the new 25 yo, which I told him I have known about for awhile but had not said anything. He says he's known her for a long time but isn't atttracted to her at all. Who knows. I think the good thing that came out of this is he sees how it can be on the flip side but I also got to make some points to him without bringing it up myself. I assured him that I would not be involved with other men, that I have told him where I stand with us and that I will be here until he figures things out (but also added that I do not want to be made a door mat or disrespected) and also made the point that innocent texting can turn into much more very easily. As I'm still kind of stuck about the MLC thing - this could all be about nothing or it could be good progress. Confusing. I'm searchign for a new counselor right now. Last week I went to the one that he and I went to for awhile. He is a good therapist but not what I need - is not familiar with any divorce busting methods or MLC. Thanks for advice and support
18 months, etc - I can't imagine. Patience is something I am really learning.
Stop snooping. It doesn't help you. It just makes for the crazy what if's.
Putting your focus on the who, what, where's of what he's doing will make you spin too. As hard as it is to do, let it go. I'm not advocating letting him walk all over you, but why go looking to put yourself right under the boot?
I know you want to "fix" things and you may be thinking that putting it all on the table continually will help him hear you and feel the pain he's caused. It won't. It comes off as nagging and then he hears nothing. The man is not stupid. He knows how much you hurt. He's also hurting.
Everything does not have to be spoken. What can you show him? What do you want him to see?
Also, what is your interpretation if he is MLC vs something else? Does it give you more hope less, what does that mean for you?
Stop snooping. It doesn't help you. It just makes for the crazy what if's.
Putting your focus on the who, what, where's of what he's doing will make you spin too. As hard as it is to do, let it go. I'm not advocating letting him walk all over you, but why go looking to put yourself right under the boot?
I know you want to "fix" things and you may be thinking that putting it all on the table continually will help him hear you and feel the pain he's caused. It won't. It comes off as nagging and then he hears nothing. The man is not stupid. He knows how much you hurt. He's also hurting.
Everything does not have to be spoken. What can you show him? What do you want him to see?
Also, what is your interpretation if he is MLC vs something else? Does it give you more hope less, what does that mean for you?
HUGS
Thanks Grace. In my mind, MLC would make things a little more hopeless. Seems like it could last longer and I absolutely could not trust what appears to be progress at times. Whereas, if he left because he really just need to figure things out, the DB might work faster. Make sense?
Right now I want him to see that I am still that independant girl, that I don't have to have him around, I like having him around. I've been keeping busy doing a lot of things in the house. I also try to not be so schedule oriented (I'm an engineer and a creature of habit lol), which is a 180 for me. My daughter and I have been going places after daycare, etc instead of straight home.
Not snooping is hard - but I'm getting better at controlling the urge I do realize that it does me no good, always just makes me feel worse. As I put above, he's kind of the scooper right now. Still trying to figure all of that out but really don't want to drive myself crazy there either. Going about my business.
