My H had threatened to leave about a month ago after a fight we had, and he never did, although he ended up sleeping in his vehicle, and now has moved to sleeping on our couch and still hasn't put on his ring since our fight last month. He hasn't made any effort to hold my hand, hug me, ILY, or anything - and I'm leaving that alone for now. He's been vacillating between a little moody, subdued/nice/light, and then pulled back emotionally, and I've done a good job of DBing and GAL, for the most part. Sometimes like last night, though, I find it kind of impossible.
What's improved is since I've been non-reactive (I always was confrontative previously): I'm not asking qs, not demanding any answers, leaving him to explore his new pot habit and his drinking more often etc, is that he's been more attentive and nice, does thoughtful things for me, we go out more, he's made some steps that seem promising like offering to give me a decent amount of $ for my car next month (our fight was a lot about money), asking if we're going to fly to see my family this Xmas, cooking for me, cleaning up, things like that. I sometimes think he's going through a MLC but I really don't know. Maybe he just isn't attracted to me since last month. Most of the time I try to detach from his moods and stay very busy, while being somewhat receptive and light to him. Because it's like suddenly we're just friends. And I hate it.
Where I'm struggling is I feel like at some point I should ask him something - like what are you planning to do here? Do you not love me anymore? Are you seeing someone? Just anything to get some answer! But I keep seeing to not do that here on these BBs so I've bit my tongue like I never have in my life!
I feel like my life has been on hold in terms of our M and I haven't asked anything since over a month ago. I'm afraid it will just keep going on like this, or that maybe he's just playing me? Cake eating? I don't know. I really haven't been here long enough, I'm still learning.
Last night he came home really late for the first time in a while, after working his night job (usually gets home at 12:30a or 1am during the week). He came home at 4am and I was pissed. Yes it was a backslide, but I got out of bed for a min with a bit of an attitude to ask him "what are you doing?". He said he had gone out to a 24 hour place after work and quietly said that he had brought me some food from his own job and that he was putting it in the fridge. I felt kind of bad, but 3 hours just seemed odd to go eat at a cheap 24 hr joint. He seemed kind of shy/sheepish about the whole thing, like he was in trouble or something. I didn't say anything else, I just went to bed. I felt like I wasn't going to be nice and I wanted to stop my stupid self there. Maybe he was telling the truth.
This morning he was super quiet and didn't say a word to me, just got up and started doing his morning things. I said really nicely "no good morning today? well good morning to you!" and he smiled and said "I thought you were mad at me". I said not at all, and tried to let the thing go from my mind. And the day wasn't half bad, he made me a really nice lunch and cleaned it up.
Back in Feb, whenever he came in at 3a-3:30a, I always knew something was off, and it turned out he was in fact having an A at that time, going out to bars with a coworker after work and then fooling around with her in his car. He did this for a few weeks, until I caught him.
When I woke up and it was past 3a last night and he still hadn't come home on a Monday night, my head just went crazy and all those feelings came back up. Today I asked him who he went to the restaurant with and he told me a guy he knows from work (he lives near us). I saw his schedule though, and the guy wasn't scheduled to work last night. So unless he ended up working anyway, or he picked him up later, the story now makes me sick to my stomach. Maybe he's telling the truth, maybe not. I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, but it's where I am right now. I just want to know what or who took my H.
It's really hard for me not to have answers. I feel like without knowing what's really going on, I can't create any boundaries to protect myself. If he is in fact having an A, I'll need to decide what to do about that at some point. When I found out about the one in Feb, I kicked him out. It seems like lately he always comes home after work and I do see him on his nights off - but who the hell knows?
I guess I just don't want to be naiive in thinking that just because things are improving on the one hand, that everything's just going to be restored again shortly with us. He may be buying time, he may really love me. He may still leave, he may not. I know this is not a long time at all in terms of what I've read and heard here and in Michelle's books. It's a flash, really. But when do you bring up the R? Never? Isn't that kind of being a bit of a tool for our H and Ws? To me it seems like it could be pretty nice for someone to not have to make any decisions, show up when they feel like being present and not when they don't. And there I am, smiling and being light and kind and not asking for anything, ever? I guess I wouldn't even know how to being up something like that tactfully.
I know DBing and detaching is for me to take care of me - but this is very confusing. This could go on for months or years, is how it feels! Yes I'm taking care of myself but I am still married, having what seems like a sort of R with my H, and then - no emotion. What??
I'm probably not doing the best I could do today in the detaching dept, but it's not like we're separated. We still do things together like we used to. There's just no intimacy whatsoever this past month and it's weird.
I hope this didn't ramble on too much. I just need suggestions or direction I guess.
Hi there, I think you are doing a good job of DBing most of the time...it is very hard to always been right on the mark. Are you working with a DB coach, because the value in that is that they can guide you as to what to say and do as different situations come up. Also, they help you stay strong and on track, making it more likely that you are bringing him closer and not pushing him further away. There is a $30 discount on coaching today. If you would like to talk to me about it further, I would look forward to hear from you. Take good care!
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
I haven't read all of your background, just what you wrote above. I got into a mode with W where I was trying *anything* to make our marriage and situation better. I got very frustrated because like you I was getting no answers and nothing was working. I can share with you a couple things I learned:
Be careful looking for answers when things aren't going well. The answer you get may reflect how H feels "in the moment" but you will likely interpret the answer as "now and forever" and it could leave scars. That's why sometimes it's better to "just be" for now. I was reading today that 90+% of married family communication is non-verbal, so you probably know the answers anyway. What you're often trying to do with the questions is force commitment that isn't ready to happen.
Secondly, it was suggested to me that just the fact that I was "working on things" was setting me back. If you are trying to take your marriage forward, you are putting pressure on H to get with the plan, reciprocate, come up with his own plan, etc. This can cause them to retreat and resist. Often being still, or GAL is just the best plan. The way to work on your marriage is *not* to work on it, if you know what I mean. That doesn't mean you shouldn't work on you, just don't overtly focus on improving your situation. Relax into you for a while and see what happens.
This takes time. H won't trust that you've relaxed for quite a while, and that transition period is very frustrating. Based on what you've written above, your back off strategy is already paying dividends, but that's making you anxious because you don't know where you stand. Continue to wait and watch. Positive action or pushing will set you back.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Hi Accuray, thank you, I appreciate those suggestions. I think you're right in that the doing nothing is probably best. Although I haven't put any verbal pressure on him aside from the other night asking what he was doing, I can see that it wasn't my best idea!
Today was actually good - last night we hung out and watched movies, and it felt like we were on a date getting to know each other again. We were both joking a little and kept it light, but there was a small sense of ("this is still weird") at the same time. Still, I felt like it was better to have a positive interaction and not know what the hell was going on in his head, than no interaction (or a negative one) and not know the same. At some point, I got tired and before asking him to sleep in the bed but not knowing if he were anywhere near wanting to or ready to do that, I said a quick good night babe, and it was lights out. Someone here wisely recommended letting him decide that on his own - it was after all his decision to not sleep in it!
This a.m. I asked if he wanted to come for a walk w our dogs, not expecting anything either way - and he came with us and it was great. No hand holding like we used to, but I really wasn't reading into it too much. I just enjoyed it for what it was - and I felt like it really gave me another opportunity to show him that I was ok and not angry, upset or holding any grudges. This afternoon he made me a really nice lunch and then cleaned the kitchen, (I tried to!). For a flash I thought maybe he was doing it all out of guilt but put a big stop on that and went back to being really grateful and thanked him again...and in the meantime, still GAL, filling up my weekends with friends and activities and working on me in all ways.
So I attempted two little communications with my H that seemed to (mildly) backfire. Last night we had a good time, watched movies and hung out together. I was really tired, so after the first movie we were on our computers and he put his headphones on to listen to music or a podcast or something - after a few min I went to lay down for a minute (or go to sleep, whichever came first!). As soon as I hit the pillow I heard him take off his headphones and say "you going to sleep now?" I said I wasn't sure, but asked if he wanted to watch another movie. He said yes and we did, and then I went to bed for real. He hasn't slept in the bed with me in at least a month now, but things have been sloooowly getting better, and he's been more receptive to me, I won't say leaning toward intimacy, but closer in that we're spending lots more time together and getting along well. No talk of R or M still, etc, but it's an improvement. Anyway, I always get the sense that he doesn't 100% want to sleep on the couch, but might feel ambivalent about sleeping in the bed with me because that means things might be back to normal, which they're not.
Up until now I've left the bed topic alone, but just felt like I should do a temperature read. I didn't feel like I'd crumble if he didn't respond the way I wanted, so I asked if he was going to sleep on the couch tonight? He hesitated and then said "yeah?" (almost like it was a question) - so I said "you'd rather sleep in there?" and he said "yeah?" again and I said "ok" and went to sleep. Wisest choice for me? Maybe not, but I did this over asking about the M. I felt it was a small small step and after his response, I shut my mouth and left it at that. (I asked on the off chance he might just be feeling shy and needing prompting...apparently not!)
I think he's depressed. I assume it's a MLC but not entirely sure...so I may need to do some more reading on that here. Earlier (mild backfire #2) I asked him how he was doing, that it seemed like he was going through some stuff. He replied something like "people go through stuff all the time", which I answered something like "you seem to be going through it now. Just that you've been kind of serious lately, which isn't like you." He didn't respond, he just got up after a bit and cleared the dishes so I took that as a sign that he didn't want to talk about it. Normally I'd push the issue but I'm trying to do some 180s...so I dropped it and focused on something else. That seemed to be fine, and he was keeping it light and joking around with me after that. I'm not bringing that up again unless I master the art of it, if there is such a thing.
I don't know, it's like I've said and read here before, it's just the not knowing that bothers me. I feel deep down like he's still there, but his feelings are buried somewhere in the depression or whatever the mood is. It's like tiny tiny little things come out here and there, he'll call me a pet name or something but then a day or two will go by and nothing. Half of me feels like the MLC isn't all about me, but the other half of me feel that his dissatisfaction is, and that hasn't been fixed yet. I'm just trying to be the kind of wife and friend he wouldn't want to leave.
Holy %$#@! He's wearing his ring! I didn't say anything but just noticed he put his ring back on. Speechless over here. I didn't react because I don't want to trigger any weird behaviors, but I'm very happy about this! Maybe this is a step in the right direction....well, wow. What a nice surprise.
Believe me, I almost fell off the couch when I saw it. I thought I might be imagining it... he was just acting really casual about it, like during the last month and a half it was merely a coincidence that he didn't have it on or something. I guess he's picking up on my casual vibe, ha!
Now, let's see if this magic keeps working to get him back into our MB....either way I'm very, very grateful.
