Husband left in September. I need HELP

[DFE]

HI All,
My H left in September and moved into an apartment. We have had problems since the beginning of our marriage. We have been together for 18 years and married for 10. We started dating right out of high school and were very much in love. I was everything to him until we got married. We always bickered about unimportant stuff and have had a very unbalanced relationship. I have always been the bread winner and I think that has been hard on him.

We now own a company together with multiple offices. And although we are separated we continue to work together but it's the hardest thing I have had to do. We have 4 year old twins that are hurt and confused and I want to make the hurt go away for them so bad. I love my husband very much despite feeling angry and abandoned. We were each others best friends and I feel like he has betrayed me.

We separated once in 2006 but got back together when I decided I wasn't abandoning my home and returned to the house. We brushed things under the rug and really didn't discuss it. A few months later he sent me text saying how sorry he was and that he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. Obviously he forgot that because 6 years later we are right back there and now with two kids.

When I say unbalanced life I have always taken care of everything. The bills, the house, the kids, the business. Everything. I got tired and frustrated and would complain. He got sick of the complaining and would say this is all he could do. We got into a fight in July and he started sleeping on the couch. I asked him to come upstairs a few weeks later but he said no. Then he started staying out more and going to the bar with his friends. One night I had enough and sent him a text saying I am tired of always waiting home for you. The next day he moved out.

At first he was depressed and said he wants us to rekindle what we have and that this is the only way it will happen. He wanted us to date while he were separated so that we can find each other again. Of course I was so angry that it wasn't a good idea so our first date within a week of him leaving was a disaster. I used it to tell him what I thought of him and how angry I was.

We tried couselling but that was a disaster too because it led to a huge fight when he said he felt refreshed to be out of the house. I stormed out and we haven't returned since.

We went away on a trip to a wedding with my family. This was planned long before the separation. He got drunk and wouldn't leave me alone. He looked so in love but then the alcohol wore off the next day and he was back to himself.

I am lost now and hurting. He has been gone for over two months and I am afraid it's too late. I wish I had used the dates to rekindle our relationship because I know we love each other and we have a lot to lose. We have two kids, a business, and 18+ years of history.

I have been doing the 180 and although I feel a little better I am afraid it has pushed him away further. He says he doesn't want to get in my way. When he sees me he calls me honey but I am sure that is habit. I know the 180 says not to date him but I want this to end. He has another month left on his lease and his original plan was to try to move back after the lease was done. I pushed him further away with all the fighting when he left. What do I do now? Do I start to be nicer and ask him out to dinner. Use it as a time for us to reconnect?

And no I don't think he is seeing anyone but anything is possible. Please give me some advise. He has spent the night two nights last week because he had to be here early to take the kids to school. He may do so again tonight. I just don't know how to act. I usually leave the room to give him space and do my own thing.

[MrBond]

First of all, you need to stop making new posts all over. This would be a good place to make your permanent posting area.

Second, I see that you started as a member here back in 2005. What happened there?

Third, from reading your other posts, it gave me the impression that you didn't appreciate your H for the things that he did do. I read alot about what you've done, how you do more or better than he does, etc. Hate to be blunt, but with an attitude like that, you will end up without him. If being married is important to you, then you need to start appreciating and noticing your H for the things he had done for you in the past.

What were the things that attracted you to him? Aside from the children, what makes him a man you would like to stay with?

And lastly, you need to adjust your attitude. You may think you can multi-task, be a great mom, businesswoman, etc. but no one likes being with a woman who rubs that in their face. You say you get angry alot at him, basically because he's not living up to YOUR expectations. Let's put it this way...would you like him to impose expectations on you? Of course not. So why should have to live up to what YOU expect? A marriage is alot about compromise and not always being right all the time. It's the expectations that get you angry. If you start getting rid of those, then you'll do much better. And it's a better way to live.

[DFE]

Mr Bond,
I completely agree. I think part of our problem has been that I have done so much and that he has never had to function in our life. I don't normally walk around saying that to him. I have done it for many years without saying anything but he started taking me for granted and that's when the complaining came in. I agree with you when you say no one would want to be with someone that walks around with an attititude like that and in this time of separation I have seen where I have gone wrong.

In 2006 we separated after I had major surgery. I was recovering at my parents house and he said he wanted a divorce. After about a month I moved back in because I didn't want to be the one to abandon my house. He never left and we went on life. He was happy for a while but then it began again.

My only expectation of him is to be my partner and a good father. I want someone to share my life with and that's it. I don't expect him to do everything I do I just need a hand here and there. At this point we are separated and I have had time to think about the past. I love him despite everything that has happened.

I haven't been perfect in our marriage and it took a counselor to tell me that we haven't had a balanced relationship before I saw what I had done.

[Dm45]

DFE,
I too took my W for granted, and now I am paying dearly for it. Her only fault was not having the tools to let me know how she feels. She said to me yesterday, "maybe I should have nagged". I doubt that would have worked either.

Seems to me we all (humans) should major in studying communication. As I am working on my self, it's a big area where I focus. I am(was... In progress) the one with the 'tude in our sitch.

I'm pretty new so won't recommend specifics, but to pay lots of attention to how you have, and will communicate.

[MrBond]

"When I say unbalanced life I have always taken care of everything."

Be careful of using the word "ALWAYS" or "NEVER". It means that you belittle his efforts because their not up to your standards. Who would want to have a spouse that judges them like that?

"My only expectation of him is to be my partner and a good father."

I don't think so.

"We were each others best friends and I feel like he has betrayed me. "

Why? Because he left after you were angry at him? Did you just expect him to sit there and take it? See the part you have to do is REALLY own up to what you did and change for the better. Your H was wrong for leaving, but if you helped to push him out the door, you really can't be surprised.

Has he ever received counseling himself?

[Cadet]

First of all, you need to stop making new posts all over. This would be a good place to make your permanent posting area.

Agreed,

I posted here but stick with this thread here in newcomers, it gets the most traffic.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2302558&#Post2302558

You can answer me here, and Mr Bond has excellent advice!

[AnotherStander]

My H left in September and moved into an apartment.

Don't look at this as a bad thing, but as fulfilling his need for time and space to think about things.

I love my husband very much despite feeling angry and abandoned. We were each others best friends and I feel like he has betrayed me.

Those are all normal feelings. The important thing is to get past those feelings and rebuild your life. Try to see it from your H's POV. You may think he's happy about leaving, but chances are he's really torn about it, confused and in turmoil. Try to understand where he's coming from. There are reasons he left, figure out those reasons and do 180's on those things. NONE of us is perfect, we ALL have things we need to change about ourselves. This is the time for that soul-searching effort.

When I say unbalanced life I have always taken care of everything. The bills, the house, the kids, the business. Everything. I got tired and frustrated and would complain.

Well if H is such a lazy, good-for-nothing, shiftless bum, why do you want him back? Most people would celebrate getting rid of such a worthless spouse. Do you think that this attitude you have about him maybe gets communicated to him? And how do you think he feels about that?

We tried couselling but that was a disaster too because it led to a huge fight when he said he felt refreshed to be out of the house.

Frankly if you've told him half of what you've told us about him, I'm not the least bit surprised he's happy to be free of that. No one wants to be constantly beat down and berated. It's humiliating and degrading. Even if what you say is true, you are going about reforming him in all the wrong ways. Read The 5 Love Languages, it'll teach you what you're doing wrong. If you want someone to change you do it by showing them love and support, not by criticizing everything they do.

I am lost now and hurting. He has been gone for over two months and I am afraid it's too late.

It's never too late. Two months of separation is nothing. Reconciliation usually doesn't happen until 6+ months of separation and hard DB'ing by the LBS.

I know we love each other and we have a lot to lose. We have two kids, a business, and 18+ years of history.

Don't try to save it because you "have a lot to lose". What you had is dead and gone. Learn from it and put it behind you. Your focus should be on what can be from now on, not getting back to what was.

[DFE]

MrBond you are right. I played a big role in his leaving. Thinking back everytime we got into an argument i told him if he wasnt happy he should leave. Its as if I knew he would leave someday. I always had the feeling he felt like he was being held prisoner and i wanted to release him.

I wish i could go back and have never said those words. I think back and remember when he would hold me and tell me to please be nice to him. I didnt think of it then but those were his hints to me that he wasnt happy. Hindsight is 20 20.

No he wont go to counselling. He had a solo appt with out MC but never showed up. I on the other hand have gone to many solo sessions. What now?

[mamabird]

I would advise you to keep going to MC or IC, just so you can get a handle on what YOU did in the R. Your H is not going to live in that apt forever, and it doesn't sound like he's going to just walk out for good either, but he does need some space right now, so for your M's sake, give it to him.

What about your kids? Does he see them? I'd be a little concerned if he's just disappeared, no contact, and hasn't wanted to see your kids. Do you see H at work?

I suppose you've read DB or DR since you've been on the board for a long time - now would be the time to re-read and refresh. You've got to give this some time. In my own sitch, which is far from over, I spent the first 3 months fighting bitterly with my H. We went to MC during that time and it was a disaster because, like you, we spent the time just yelling at each other. It took us another 2 months to get to the point where we could really start MC with any effectiveness. I am going on month 6 now, and even though I am in my own home, my H is still very hesitant.

I suspect that your H just wants to be heard by you at this point. Give him time and space and just listen when he comes around. Try to put your anger aside so you can be available.

[DFE]

Hi RegretFul
MC has always made our situation worse. I think because we keep bringing up the past instead of moving forward. Im considering starting DB coaching but its all getting very expensive. I guess its less expensive then him having his own apt.

We are now on a regular schedule where he sees the kids daily either taking them to school or picking them up. Hes actually more involved now than before he left. I thought at first he shouldnt see them regularly just so he knows what Divorced life would be like. I quickly learned that my kids were hurting and that it wasn't fair to them. He wasalso getting very angry and more distant with me becuase he said i was taking away his God given right to be a dad.

I see him at work daily and he acts very normal.

He has also started calling me honey again. Force of habit I guess but nonetheless confusing for me.

I too wish i hadnt been so resistant to the separation and so angry about it. We may have been in a better position then we are now. He has started calling me just to chat as opposed to texting and he's been asking me to go to the gym with him and the kids when he comes over.

He also talked about expanding our leased space today but again cause for confusion. I know he thinks that no matter what we will continue to me business partners which I know I cant be.

He has not discussed our situation in over a month. My fear is he is trying to get me used to this idea so that he can make it perm't and we can continue the work relationship. I don't see how I would heal with him there.

I know everyone says not to ask questions but its so hard. He said the other day that he needs to start taking a salary soon to pay for his apt. That tells me he isnt coming home when is lease ends in 45 days. Patience is hard to have when all I want are answers. And do I make it easy for him to come and go as he pleases with the kids? How will he feel what Divorced life is really like?