If you expect bad results when it comes to interacting with your spouse about a particular subject, you inadvertently behave in ways that signal your expectation and bring about the very results you fear- the self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, ask yourself how you would approach your spouse differently if you had positive expectations about the outcome. What would you say or do differently if you were confident things were going to work out? Then do that! Experiment with this today. -Michele Weiner-Davis (via @Divorce Busting)
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Oooh I like. I was thinking about last time H and I split we did quite a bit of reconciling over the actual holidays. I completely 180'd him and was cheerful, fun, and like nothing bad had ever transpired. lol
Michele talks about that in DR as well. As I recall, she was away on a business trip and dreaded returning home because her H was picking her up at the airport and she was expecting him to be in a bad mood. She was traveling with another therapist and was talking to her about it. She asked Michele how she usually acted when she got back, and she said she was usually short and curt because she knew her H would be in a bad mood. So the therapist then asked "and how would you act if you knew he would be in a good mood?" She said she'd probably run up and give him a big hug and kiss and then tell him all about what she had done on the trip. The therapist said "then do that and see what happens." So she did it and was surprised to find her H was in a great mood and very receptive to her.
I think that's what Michele means when she says it's important to act "as if" around our spouses. Because if we act sullen and depressed then that triggers a certain reaction in them, but if act upbeat and happy that triggers a completely different reaction.
Around here we unfortunately don't get to see how people interact with their spouses, but I have a feeling that a lot of the complaints about a lack of WAS turnaround are due to LBS's dragging around like the world has ended. A WAS is never going to be attracted to that kind of stuff, there's just no hope of reconciling if we can't display a PMA. To me the "space and time" is just as important to the LBS as it is to the WAS. Because space and time allows the LBS to refocus themselves onto more positive pursuits and regain their PMA.
When my W was still at home I THOUGHT I had detached. But it wasn't until she left that I realized I had indeed not detached and I was still engaging in pursuit behavior, and that it was blocking me from really achieving a PMA. It got a lot easier to detach once she left, and PMA became a byproduct of the detachment and GAL activities.
Thank you for posting LITB! Something to really thInk about. Thank you!!!
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
MKB and Busting...glad that you both found it useful.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
When my W was still at home I THOUGHT I had detached. But it wasn't until she left that I realized I had indeed not detached and I was still engaging in pursuit behavior, and that it was blocking me from really achieving a PMA. It got a lot easier to detach once she left, and PMA became a byproduct of the detachment and GAL activities.
AS,
There are a lot of things to touch on in your post. To me detachment is interesting. It took me a little over a year to completely detach from the time I found this place.
It got to the point that I felt that my necessary changes had been addressed. Not to mention, R with OM was confirmed. That realization was exactly what I needed to completely let go and accept the legal demise of my M.
I no longer had hope for saving my M. As I type this, crazy to think that this took place at the beginning of this year.
Once I let go, I started living my own life. For me and my children. As far as I was concerned, I only needed to co-parent with my W. Nothing more.
That is when things began to shift in my sitch. My W knew that I was moving on. When we would interact, I was in a good place. No more calculating my every word or move.
As we make our way thru the detachment journey, our heart follows where the head leads. It takes work and it takes time. Then it just happens on its own without being forced.
I believe if you have to ask, "am I detached?", is a sign that you have not arrived.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I agree LITB, it's taken me twice as long to feel the gift of detachment but I was married twice a long plus change.
That made me LOL. I'm about out for the weekend. Have a Happy Thanksgiving Bug. If I remember correctly, you have some cool plans with your son. Hope you have a fantastic time.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
LITB, I have recently read most of your sitch, You really are an inspiration, especially with the way you handled everything for your children. It takes a strong person to have made it to where you are today. Good luck.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
LITB, I have recently read most of your sitch, You really are an inspiration, especially with the way you handled everything for your children. It takes a strong person to have made it to where you are today. Good luck.
Thank you for your kind words SS. I will try to catch up on your sitch soon.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I also just read your entire story, LITB. My head is spinning, and I'm in awe.
I was going to read 25's today as well but kind of done with this for today. As they say...GAL.
I'd be grateful, and humbled if you took a peek at mine.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
