Escape from Hades

[trainthruhell]

I think there is something in the water.

Had lunch this week with my old college roommate and we have been pretty close; college, roommates for awhile, we even worked together for a bit. We don't see each other that often but I'm sure we will be in the future.

He was telling me his woes; He is 54, W is 48, two kids; S 13, and D 11. Both adopted and special needs; Aspergers in S and Attention Deficit in D. W doesn't treat the D very well and favors S. She won't talk to my buddy, doesn't even acknowledge his presence even when he is talking to her in the same room. The only time she talks AT him, is when there is some sort of kids issue, then she just yells at him. They haven't had sex for two years. He is a mess. Glad I got to talk with him, we shared stories and situations, it helped me and he is not alone anymore. WTF. I don't know if its MLC, I pointed him at the site and some other info I collected along my path. He's a good man, I feel for him.

I don't mind telling that I had some good cries and good talks with friends over the last few days which has helped quite a bit. I'd like to thank everyone for being there for me.

[trainthruhell]

Some help here.

W and I live in the same house and W chants every morning; she belongs to this SGI Buddhist group. After everything I know and have found out, I still come down and join her most of the time. I know she likes this and for me it's some hope and helps my day. She is actually quite pleasent after as the conversation is pretty light. Well today, I couldn't help myself, after we were done chanting I came behind her and started to rub her shoulders, neck and back. It just felt so good to actually just touch her again. She told me it felt good so I continued for a few minutes more while she talked and I listened. She had me stop when I started to go a little further. But we resumed talking after; finances and such and then we go our separate ways to get ready for the day. I also text her everyday wishing her a good day, it's just something I have always done.

She always seems to be in a good mood, although as I said before, she is bipolar and takes medication for depression. I know she is in replay and is a Cake eater, and I read that MLC comes with depression, but I see no signs, the drugs, I believe, are artificially warding off the depression. Confused as to how this may play out. Also confused as to my actions, sometimes I don't know what to do and my marital instincts take over, for better or worse.

[trainthruhell]

Well, I have made it through the holidays. I bought all of the kids Christmas presents, wrapped them all, bought and decorated the tree, and tried to act happy around the house. We actually had an enjoyable Christmas Eva and Christmas, almost normal. In fact, when I got home that night with the kids my W left me a note on the bed (she was housesitting for a friend), that said

"Thank you for this day! Under the circumstances, I felt it was close to perfect. Family, friends, and Christams cheers to you..." It was nice but I am getting a bit numb by these off and on actions. Maybe I am finally detaching. I just wanted Christmas to be somewhat normal for the kids; I succeeded.

Had one very profound event on Christmas day. A while back my kids bought me a small tin containing black rocks, the outside of the tin has a picture of Santa with the words "Lumps of Coal". They bought it for me years ago as a joke and put it in my stocking. When we put the Christmas stuff away the tin always resides in my stocking and this year was no different. So I am sitting on the couch with my high school D on Christmas morning, just her and I. I pulled out the tin from my stocking as here is the conversation:

Me: "I don't deserve this."
D: "No you don't"
pause
D: "But ya know Dad, coal turns into diamonds!"

WOW!!!! My heart almost leaped from my chest.

We have my W family event coming up on Saturday, her family is so big they rent a small hall for the occasion, usually the Saturday after Christmas, so everyone can make it. I have decided not to go and I'll tell you why. Since the BD occur ed, not one person from her family (in-laws included), 22 people, have ever called, emailed, said anything to me to even acknowledge the situation. I am not looking for therapy or a big discussion, but just someone to say "I am sorry, I am praying for you both". But from history, I know that "W is the queen of denial, from the family of denial". I shouldn't expect anything. I'm not going because it would just be a bit to painful and I am not a very good actor.

That's about it for now. Thanks for the support.

[AJM]

Out of the mouths of babes....

Glad you're having a good holiday season.
Peace,

AJ

[trainthruhell]

I think this is good, but then again ....

Made it through the Holidays and I am feeling pretty good. Actually I don't feel bad at all, I think working with my Therapist and investing in myself is really paying off. I've becoming a lot more self aware and stronger. So about a week after the Holidays W tells me that she is moving out and has a place to stay. I told her that whatever she wanted to do was her choice, I would never ask her to leave. She left on a Wednesday, leaving both Me and our D by ourselves. She said she is OK just being by herself, although I know about the OM, so I didn't believe anything she said. I also knew, before this, that she was planning a weekend trip out west for that coming weekend with OM as well, (which did happen). I was making plans to just move on, get on with my life without her. I felt very strong about going it alone and taking care of my kids. Then...

I get a phone call from her the following Thursday (after her trip), and she wants to talk. I asked what about and she will not tell me until she sees me but say she believes it is positive. I am a bit guarded for sure but we meet after I get home that day. W looks awful, I mean really terrible. I've actually never seen her this way before. She starts to talk, and the best word I can describe her is; contrite. She says she is thinking a lot and wants to come home and work things out. She even mentioned marriage counselling. In the end I told her I'd think about it because I can go either way, with or without her, and I would let her know. She seemed extremely sad, even though she told me she is happy. I also said there will be some stipulations if I decided to try to make things work. W said she understood.

I thought about it for awhile, and I would be silly not to give it a go, since this was what I wanted all along. After talking with my Therapist I told her we could give it a shot, however, I had two mandatory conditions; One, W needs to see a therapist herself to really get in and face her issues; this is for her, since it doesn't have anything to do with me or the marriage, and Two, complete honesty and truthfulness, no more lies. Any of these conditions gets broken I am outta here. She agreed. I am noticing other things as well, no blaming me; able to talk about us, knowing it will be painful and ugly. She even said that she is sorry for all the pain she has caused me.

I am still pretty guarded, and am able to walk down the path alone if it was meant to be. Still not sure if this this train through Hell is just at a weigh station getting fueled up for more of the same or if the W found an exit ramp. Taking things day by day, and expressing kindness. Not sure if this is replay or not, but I am still riding along working on myself. I will very soon find the time to bring up OM and all that I know. Things need to get out in the open to get started.

[TSquared2]

Sounds like some interesting, but good, things are happening for you. I like your requirements/boundaries. Maybe add in no more OMs, in any form (RL, cyber, etc).

I would like to know more about what she says/said about the change of heart, but the contrition is a good start.

No expectations, etc...you know the drill...
Keep us updated!

T^2

[BklynMom]

Wow TTh you have certainly been through a lot with your wife. It is beautiful that you are keeping an open mind to fixing your relationship.

I go to alanon because of the alcoholics in my life but many in my group attend because they love someone with a mental illness. I find it very helpful

[trainthruhell]

Still together:

W and I are still working on things. Everyday is a little bit better than the day before. W admits that what is going on has nothing to do with me or the Marriage, it's all in her. She is in a funk, is stuck, and knows it. She is seeing a therapist once a week, (one of my conditions) and we are making time for each other to talk, something that has been missing for awhile.

About a week after she came back she broke down and admitted to the EA she had been having with the OM. The conversation was like this:
Me: "I know, I've known for a while now."
Her: "Why didn't you say anything?"
Me: "Because the telling had to come from you. You needed to face the facts."

I wasn't to upset, but (as TSquared2 mentioned), my last condition was absolutely no more communication, None. Cut off completely. She agreed.

I've been learning a lot about myself, able to express myself better, especially in times of stress or anger. Before it was getting very angry or going into radio silence, both of which are not very constructive. I have learned to be aware of the way I feel and express myself better, more toward middle ground. W has told me she notices that I have changed for the better.

Granted my antennas are always up, and we still have a long rode in rebuilding the trust we had. I have told her that I want to walk that path with her next to me, however, we are not there yet, I seem to be out in front right now and she needs to catch up. I have told her this and she agrees. But as of this moment, I am in control of myself, not afraid to ask the questions, and not scared to go down the road by myself if it comes to that.

Therapy and reading has helped quite a bit. I read the "The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts" by Chapman and it resonated with me. Made a lot of sense. While I was doing "Acts of Service", my W was looking for something else. I realize that now and am working toward the goal.

I tell people, while this has been the worst time in my life, in many ways it has been the best. I believe one of the best things you can accomplish is to understand yourself and realize the only thing you have control over is how you react to things. I have much hope and no expectations. I now go into situations with minimal expectations and it helps settle me.

It's been a tough road but I am glad I am here.

Still working.

[rosesarered]

Just reading up on your story. Congrats, that she wants to work it out.
I tend to agree with you, although this the worst time of life, it also has been such a growing and learning opportunity. I am so much more self- aware. It has forced me to be aware of what I want and what makes me happy. I agree about having no expectations, it just makes everything so much easier. It takes a long time to get to this place of acceptance, don't you think. Its amazing once you get strong again, how you can have so much control over your own reaction to things.

Good luck on working things out. What do you think triggered her now wanting to work on things?