Welcome to catch-22

[Big Bruce]

the beginning of the story : http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2296356#Post2296356

So I went to the lawyer, and filed to have 50% custody and access.
My wife will be served within two to three weeks the petition.
She has to go to her lawyer in order to respond... she will be sore mad. Good-bye baby steps..

Isn't it contradictory to all that I'm supposed to do? aka, be gentle, and understanding, not conflictual, trying to soothe her and all?

I'm between a hard place and the toughest rock...
Any advice on my attitude and behaviour in the meantime?
What do I tell her: it's your fault?

[LITB]

Calmly let her know that you had to make the best decision for you and your son based on the facts that are in front of you. Don't go beyond that to defend your decision and certainly don't blame her. It will just take you down a path of a useless argument.

I think you are really doing well. How is your GAL going? Short and long term goals?

Just so you know, it is preferred that you stick to one thread until it runs its course, which is a 100 posts.

[Forrest Gump]

Just let her know you have contacted a L and have filed. No ones fault. Just a choice.

[Big Bruce]

So, I have seen W since our little lawyer discussion over the phone..
Anyhow, today is supposed to be the toddler visit day, but no plans have been made yet. Usually W or me contact each other the day or two days before and set up time and place. None of this since I said I would file to have the toddler...

Also, I found out that when I cut the communication, mainly emails, because I don't call that much and she doesn't have a cell phone for texts, well, she doesn't write emails either. And there's 0 communication. Like, it's what she wants. Should I keep "giving her space" when it results in more distance? That can't be good if she is not "forced" to think of me from time to time.

What to do when the WAW likes the distance and space I'm giving, because it's precisely what she's trying to do : create distance in order to D easily?

[Big Bruce]

I meant, I have not seen W since the discussion on the phone.
I don't know how to behave in the meantime that the papers are being processed.
I'm kinda mad at her for making spend all this money with the lawyer, when it's my basic right to see my son!
It's such a waste...

[Big Bruce]

Even if no one responds, it's ok, it's like journalling..

So today was the "visit", we met at the mall. Always my W, kid and one of her parents. (despite my email saying there's no such thing as supervised visits). And because there was nothing to do and the toddler was getting a little boisterous, I proposed going to my place. W immediately proposed another place, said the time was late, tried to say no, but I insisted gently.

Finally we got to my place, I served cookies and refreshments, and the tension eased.
We played a little bit of piano, turned the tv on for cartoons, and I gave a tractor toy to my son, which he loved.
We talked about things of no importance, as if we were a normal couple, laughed and all. It was a pleasant time and then they left.
Not once did we mention the lawyer, or the custody or anything related to it.

Now, I'm left wondering, and that's where you can help me. WHAT WILL MAKE HER DECIDE TO COME LIVE WITH ME?
She has something to lose in doing that. We get along, but because she is at her parents house, she has more space than my 2-bedroom apt. And her mom keeps the toddler all day, which is a big relief. Anything I can do to reverse that?

Is receiving the papers from the lawyer in 2-3 weeks, saying that I filed for the toddler's 50% custody play in my favour at all?

Ladies, what is it that makes you decided to leave a comfortable situation, to go live with a man, knowing logistics will be not as easy there?
Once again, I'm left with the impression that things are ok between my wife and I, but she won't come back! Help!

[Big Bruce]

How is your GAL going? Short and long term goals?

Well, one of the reasons she invoked when throwing the bomb is that I wasn't family minded enough. Translation : I do too many activities, sports, etc..

I didn't have to force myself to GAL. I'm involved in the gym, curling, lawn bowling, piano, painting, etc...

Short term and long term goals. Well, I have written them down on a paper yes, but I realized that since I'm the only one dancing the tango here, and given my special situation where I only see W twice a week for like 1,5 hour, it's not as if my 180s had a lot of impact.
DB strategies work well with people living together. My sitch makes DB almost useless. What do you monitor in 1,5 hour? What small goal do you set when there just time to say hello, play with the toddler and say good-bye?

I mean, what else than being normal and nice can I do? What more than being a good friend and husband, (which I've always been like) should I behave?
See my point?

[AnotherStander]

Now, I'm left wondering, and that's where you can help me. WHAT WILL MAKE HER DECIDE TO COME LIVE WITH ME?

She needs time and space to sort through her thoughts. SHE has to make that decision. You need to work on your 180's and show her a newer, better, improved you. Someone attractive, positive, happy, strong. Are you doing that?

Is receiving the papers from the lawyer in 2-3 weeks, saying that I filed for the toddler's 50% custody play in my favour at all?

You have to do it to get fair visitation with your child. Will it help your reconciliation chances? Hard to say, it might make her angry but on the other hand it may show her the reality of S if she doesn't get to see the child half the time.

Once again, I'm left with the impression that things are ok between my wife and I, but she won't come back! Help!

Things are not OK. Just because you had a few hours together and were able to talk and interact calmly should not give you the impression that things are OK and she's ready to move back in. Just try to keep all the interactions peaceful like that, but be patient, this is going to take a long time to resolve.

[LITB]

Bruce,

Your sitch is not unique by a long shot. There are many members on here who do not live with their spouse, myself included for 14 months of being separated. I'd bet that over 90% of members on here are doing the "tango" solo.

You mentioned that you GAL activities were a complaint. How big of a problem was that? What else did your W complain about? Or was that it?

[Big Bruce]

You mentioned that you GAL activities were a complaint. How big of a problem was that? What else did your W complain about? Or was that it?

Not being family minded (Sports) was the main complaint. She never really complained or talked about it before, but two evenings a week I was at the sports club, and on the week-ends often out.
But more than doing things it was my attitude about it. Zilch for the baby, all my talk was: I have a match coming up, and oh I want a new shotgun, and I'm gonna buy this new paraglider and have you seen this harpoon.. etc..

She also mentioned finances in her bomb email, but it's never been a problem. What she meant was I spent the money for my fun when she probably wanted me to put the money in an Education Savings account.. for the baby...

I have addressed these two issues by reaffirming that I was family minded, and of course, not showing her too many activities I'm doing ( I mentioned a couple though).
And by saying I want to open an account for our son.
There.

Now, I appreciate all the advice saying I have to be patient, but in comparison to the offence, the punishment is too heavy. We've been apart for 6 months in two continents, then she threw the email bomb, I arrived in the country right after (remember I'm French) and we've been separated for 5 months!

Her being mad and wanting D is not proportional to my "misbehaviour". I asked for forgiveness, which she says she has granted, and I changed my ways, but then, what else is she waiting for for Pete's sake?

So, I'm not a family man? Fine, I filed for custody. Now I'm gonna have the toddler 50% of the time, and we'll see who's the family man.
And I'm bad at finances? Fair enough, I'm gonna put 2000$ a month in that stupid Education account, until the account tops up if that's what she wants!