Stand up, poor and tired, but STILL more than this

[kat727]

Are you still in a good place? Hope those positive thoughts keep you going in the right direction.

kat

[LIO]

His all!
Yes, I am still alive, actually more alive than I ever have been!
Thank you all for the great words.

I am filing divorce.

I realize I went. Into this trying to save my marriage. I realized that I ended up saving myself through divorce busting. For that, I am grateful. I have gone through the worst year of my life and it became the best experience I have ever had.

We don't always get what we want, but we get what we need.

I've deatached fully from h. I realized that not only was he unhappy in this marriage, but so was I. When we started to have different ideas about marriage, and when he cheated and removed himself, the cracks in the foundation started to grow. I agree trust could be rebuilt, but it's not going to happen with H. He won't do the work. I can't anymore.

I was knocked down unexpectedly to the lowest I'd ever been. I didn't think I'd ever see the light,and I'd hoped h would be along on my life journey. I was wrong. But...I am stronger, wiser, and grateful for this year.

I have listened to you fine folks, really questioning myself on why I'd want to spend my life with h. "because I love him" is a cop out response, I had to dig deeper. It was fear of being alone. Fear of finding who I was and what I wanted in life.

Addressing those made all the difference. It opened up new opportunities for me.

I am not a depressed person like I thought. I am in the best shape of my life, and I looks forward to what comes at me now. I do not live in fear.

I'll try to be more diligent of posting. I do know that I will not be looking back anymore. I look for opportunities for personal growth - I've just begun to scratch the surface on how messed up my relationship was to my psyche. i am noticing 'triggers' unexpectedly because of how my own needs in my marriage weren't being met either. So I am working through those so I can have a healthier, grown up relationship.

I'll be back

[LittleWings]

Hi there,

I have just read your post, it gives me some sort of hope, thank you. I admire how you have clearly stayed strong and learned about yourself and not let yourself sink. I hope I can do the same - today I feel like I am sinking but your post has given me hope.

Thank you and best of luck on the next chapter of your journey.

[JuneReN]

Amazing LIO, absolutely amazing. I realize I was not happy in my marriage either and it has only been a couple of months since H left. But I am still in love with him so I know that I have to go further down this path in order to let go.. It is hard because he wants to be like best friends, but to me emotional intimacy equates with physical intimacy in a relationship with opposite sex.

So I am going to keep reading your journey on how you got to this place and I will deep travelling..happy life LIO. You deserve love and happiness!

[LIO]

Hi LittleWings and Ruby Tuesday!
Thank you for stopping in!

I wasn't strong the whole time. There was definitely dehabilitating days where I could not get out of bed. There were days where I couldn't get past the anger. There were days where I cried and cried, days where I talked everything through with my BFF and the people on this board. There were days were I did all of it.

I considered it a good day if I got out of bed. An even better day if I could go to work. And a great day if I could do both. Eventually I worked in eating, and then exercising.

It took time. And a lot of effort. A LOT of effort.
I couldn't imagine the self-reflection I REALLY needed to do. What I still do. Everything was about what H did, and what he didn't do. Then I questioned my own motives and reactions. I read into everything H said. Good or bad.

I read and reread the rules, the book. I read into the success stories, trying to figure out how to make that mine.

I didn't realize that in it's own way, I would feel like a success on my own. For me - it was saving myself. Saving myself from lies, from having to justify bad behaviors and weaknesses (both mine and my husband's...) I looked at every angle, every excuse I had... I am still not perfect, but I look at my motives, what fuels triggers, and how to stop myself from spiraling.

I can't live in the past. We had a good time years ago, but over time it faded and I didn't see it for what it was.

I don't feel anything when H calls. He is someone I loved, and I am grateful that I spent so long with him and grew up with him - but we really are in two different places now.

I don't eagerly away his phone calls... we talk about S. We both care about S deeply. We share that. We do not share the feelings about our marriage, and what it was. We can occasionally talk about other subjects, but I don't hang on to every word. I see him for who he is right now. I do not judge him, I do not try to change him. I accepted that he and I have different ideas for what makes up a fulfilling life - and if I were to change his for mine, it would not be respecting him. He'd have to come to a compromise on his own - and I can't bend until I break anymore. So for now, here we are.

I want to encourage people to fight if it's their desire. I would not trade even the worst days if it meant I would not be where I am right now. I just choose to not fight now. I am at peace with it. I did everything I could. Some far off tomorrow may bring something different with H and I, I can never predict the future. I can only work on me... each day.

Friday, H and I go to the courthouse and fill in our paperwork...together. At the end of next month - we will be divorced. Not just a year ago, I would never expected to be at peace with that.

[Soul.Searching]

Good for you, LIO. Now I have some questions for myself. I really do wonder why I want to save my M somedays. Hmm

[labug]

I wasn't strong the whole time. There was definitely dehabilitating days where I could not get out of bed. There were days where I couldn't get past the anger. There were days where I cried and cried, days where I talked everything through with my BFF and the people on this board. There were days were I did all of it.

I considered it a good day if I got out of bed. An even better day if I could go to work. And a great day if I could do both. Eventually I worked in eating, and then exercising.

It took time. And a lot of effort. A LOT of effort.
I couldn't imagine the self-reflection I REALLY needed to do. What I still do. Everything was about what H did, and what he didn't do. Then I questioned my own motives and reactions. I read into everything H said. Good or bad.

I read and reread the rules, the book. I read into the success stories, trying to figure out how to make that mine.

I didn't realize that in it's own way, I would feel like a success on my own. For me - it was saving myself. Saving myself from lies, from having to justify bad behaviors and weaknesses (both mine and my husband's...) I looked at every angle, every excuse I had... I am still not perfect, but I look at my motives, what fuels triggers, and how to stop myself from spiraling.

Great post, LIO!

I think it's the amount of self-reflection and learning to sit with our feelings that causes people to drop out after a short while.

This is hard stuff. Thanks for the post which I just re-read.

You are a success story!

[scaredsilly]

LIO, reading your feelings make me sad and give me hope, at the same time. i think we are near the same point in our M's to our H's.

sometimes, we just have to accept. we can't control. we have to think about our future and not our past.

i'm happy for you because you seem to have found some peace in all of this. that's what i want and need, too.

(((())))

[labug]

Here's another gem: I have listened to you fine folks, really questioning myself on why I'd want to spend my life with h. "because I love him" is a cop out response, I had to dig deeper. It was fear of being alone. Fear of finding who I was and what I wanted in life.

[TJPc]

I feel the same way!! I am trying to figure out how I feel about H. It's so hard when we've been together for so long. Let me know how you go thru your decision process.