So now that you asked her don't bring it up again. If she does, just politely refuse. (that'll get her thinking!) You want her to think you're doing fine without her. Eventually, you actually will be, and she might come back.
Think long term here. You just entered a marathon.
I think this is the correct route.
It creates a new dynamic along with curiosity about why not.
Ed
Me, 55 W, 36 T, 10 yrs S-9 M, 8 yrs 1st D-Day, 9-27-2009, With 1st bf, ea/pa 2nd D-Day, 12-5-2009, With her best friends bf, ea/pa W, AA relapse early 2009-Current W moved out 2-16-2012 New OM 5-2012
Well she talked to me today about the R, and I listened. She prefers to fix our M, but doesn't want the same problems to crop-up to the extent that they have. She wants the rest of the month for me to leave her alone, and not talk. She will come and get our D and leave with no contact.
She said she will make a list of things she needs to see for her to come back, and will give me a few months after Jan 1st to prove things will be different. I did say thank you and I understand.
She did say she will not stop chatting with guys on alt.com, but they are not talking about having sex together or meeting any of them. She promised not to cheat on me and give our M a fair chance. She also said she wants us to have sex at least once a week and she wants to go to the gym with me when our schedules allow.
This has improved my mood drastically, I have too re-focus my efforts on making the needed changes. I know what some of them are. She wants me to be more confident, and secure with myself. She hates when I am needy and clingy. She wants me to be more outgoing and not focus all my time on her. She wants me to be stronger mentally, and emotionally. I will have to wait for the list to know more.
She wants to meet BSDM people, travel and sleep with lots of people.
To this:
Originally Posted By: Terry B
Well she talked to me today about the R, and I listened. She prefers to fix our M, She promised not to cheat on me and give our M a fair chance. She also said she wants us to have sex at least once a week and she wants to go to the gym with me when our schedules allow.
In less than a week? It doesn't add up. It's either a desperate cry for attention, or compete snow job.
I advise moving forward with caution here.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
She did say she won't tell the guys she talking to that we are going to work things out because they won't talk to her anymore. I guess I am trying to hold onto anything positive.
well I slipped into the old behavior. I fought it but the logical side lost to my emotional side. I bugger her today at the gym about the relationship. I wanted confirmation of what she said yesterday, and it upset her again. She said she hasn't seen any changes and that I am still the same insecure, controlling, jealous smothering person.
Time to start back at step 1.
Anyone know how ones becomes less jealous, controlling, and insecure?
Hi Terry, u need to take a step back n give her lots of space. Until u start to detach n remove the focus off ur W u will push her further n further away. Re the jealousy etc etc was that before BD or as a consequence? These r all perfect for ur 180s. U r coming accross as needy when u ask her for confirmation - not an attractive quality and u r setting urself up to be bombed again. Its all pressure to the WAS and u have to control it. Don't ask her for anything, don't ask her about her whereabouts, what she is doing, what she is up to on the internet etc. When u see her be happy regardless of what is going on inside.
You need to show her a confident independent man that will be just fine without her and who she cld enjoy being around.
What r u doing for u and without W? Gym is my time for me, I do my thinking and sort me head out at the gym and wld find it difficult if W were with me.
What activites have u planned just for u? What do u enjoy doing just for u? Can u picture the person u wld like to be?
I have a mental picture of a better looking, more confident and independent me, a great dad that is succesful in life and fun to be with. I research online, I take care of my diet, I dress better, I maintain the house better, I do much more with son and I work harder at work. I see friends as often as I can and am looking at doing some charity fund raising in the new year. The energy and confidence this has given me is amazing. I still get down but I am fighting to be that person who I picture in my mind.
First decide Who do u want to be? Then plan steps to get there. Work on u and I guarantee ur W will notice.
But remember u do it for u and not to win her back. Regardless of the outcome u gain if that makes sense?
The jealousy has been there since the beginning. It stated with my first W cheating on me. I thought I had it under control somewhat, but it got out of control after W started chatting with guys on Champions Online, and having voice sex with them. This is the one where she was going to leave for a 17 year old. I started spying on her, finding out all of her passwords, verifying her whereabouts ext. I have tried multiple time to stop but I always seem to go right back to it.
I usually go to the gym alone but we both decided to go together today and Saturday. I will go by myself Saturday though, I cant take the risk of this happening again. She doesn't think I can change or the relationship can be fixed due to my issues.
As for me, I don't have any friends to go out with or do things with. The few I have always have something to do with their family and are a decade or two younger. I go to school full time and have only meet kids in their 20's. I put everything into my M that I don't have any interests outside the home. My D and I started putting a puzzle together and have plans to visit Disneyland in March, but other than that I do homework, read, watch movies, and housework.
My D and I have been spending more time together, but I still focus on family and not so much on just me. The gym is my only escape from reality at this point.
I do dress better due to the weight loss, and I smile more.
I have a hard time with the emotions and wanting to quickly fix things before she finds someone else. She says she isn't looking for anyone, and she will give our marriage a fair chance; but, I my issues do not allow me to see the positive. Seems like every good thing she does I see the possibility that she is hiding something behind my back.
I do understand what she has told me, but I'm lost. I don't even know where to begin changing those problems. They have been out of control for nearly a year and a half. I am also worried that I won't be able to change them, and I will let my D down by not fixing what I needed to get mommy back home.
