Thanks for the birthday wishes and neverending support. Tonight I feel a little more empowered, even though this past week was awful. Another year older and I'm hoping wiser. This next year of my life is going to be about me. Of course I can't leave my Ds out of it, so we. The year of me/we. I will be in a better place in my life by this time next year, with or without my H. I'm tired of being hurt. I don't want another day of watching my Ds in so much pain. I am completely detaching from H and am doing for myself and my girls. H is going to see a whole new person in me. I will show him I can make it on my own, be independent without him or his love. I'm not giving up on my H, but I am moving on. I'm not dragging the pain part of this out any longer.
Check tomorrow and see if I still have my sassy attitude!!
Print your post out. Refer to it when you feel yourself falter and you will at times. Those times will become fewer and farther between as you gain strength and confidence. You will also recover faster from those things that trip you up.
I am trying to figure out my financial situation. H and I have always had a joint account where both our paychecks are automatically deposited. Since I have opened my own account, I have been transferring money to my account from the joint. Both of our Ds have their own accounts. I would transfer money to them from the joint account. So, one joint account....three separate accounts. My H knew both girls had accounts and I told him I opened my own account. He did know of all the accounts, but somehow now he "doesn't know anything about them"!
He gets paid every two weeks. I get paid once at the end of the month. Last Friday was his payday. When I checked the account, no deposit from his pay. He finally told me he stopped direct deposit. He wanted to know where all the money was going and what all of it was for. Of course, I have never had to explain where money went. Ever. He said he would be paying the bills, which I have always done. He wants me to tell him the what the bills are, how much they are and when they are due. Plus, I have to ask for money for the girls and my expenses.
He makes over 7 times what I do in a month. So, even if he is paying all the household bills, I can't afford all of my and Ds expenses on my paycheck.
Legal separation really isn't done in my state. I DON'T want to start divorce proceedings. But, I really don't want to have to ask my H for money every two weeks. He just wants control over me and knows I can't afford to do anything financially without him involved. He wants the power and wants to micromanage my life.
Really, if he makes 7 times what you do, you may HAVE to file for divorce just to get a temporary order for support going.
You could, of course, detail the household expenses and give it to him and see if he comes through - usually they have NO idea where the money used to go and are SHOCKED - SHOCKED I say - to discover that two households are more expensive than one.
But be careful here - any expense report that you give him, might be used to establish a precedent in court for how much you need, so don't skimp.
As for your girls - it's natural that they feel rejected too. But you need to be careful - they should NOT feel like they have to side with you, and you should be careful not to let them see all your pain. Better that they see you as the strong sane mom who says "We will get through this just fine" and encourage them not to completely cut ties with their dad. (Also, the courts like to accuse women in your sitch of "parental alienation", it can get very nasty so don't give him any ammunition for that).
Both my daughters don't want to talk with him. He has hurt them so much. I think they're both scared to talk with him as well. They are just waiting for him to hurt them again. They are 17 and 20 (21 in Dec), I support them on their decisions.
I fell like I will never be completely happy ever again in my life no matter how things turn out. I look in the mirror and see a woman fifteen years older than me looking back. I am trying to keep the strong attitude. Sometimes it's too much. I'm feeling sorry for myself, a bit of a change of attitude from yesterday. I know I'm exhausted. Completely exhausted.
I fell like I will never be completely happy ever again in my life no matter how things turn out. I look in the mirror and see a woman fifteen years older than me looking back.
Ok - enough with the pity party!
You will be happy again if YOU decide not to be bitter and to pick yourself up by your bootstraps. You can't control H but you CAN control yourself and what spin you put on things.
(btw, I'm 56 and I'd give anything to have my 43 year old metabolism back but still, I think I look better than I did then).
SO: Step #1 - Let Go Or Be Dragged. Whether or not your marriage will ultimately be saved (and it might) right now you need to let go of your H and focus on making a happy interesting exciting life for you and your girls. If H comes back - he'll just be coming back to a new and improved you. And if he doesn't - the new and improved you will be out there living an exciting life.
If you don't like what you see in the mirror - time for a makeover. New cut, new color? Workout program/diet? Watch a bunch of episodes of What Not To Wear and go shopping for a new wardrobe? Take some chances. Change it up.
Think of some exciting new challenge to take on. Something you have always wanted to do but never thought you could. Train to climb a mountain, or take a standup comedy class, or do what I did - learn to play the drums in a rock band. After the catastrophe you've been living through, those other things aren't so scary anymore, right? Dream!
And don't ASSume anything about your future. You can't know where it will lead. Maybe your H will come crawling back and treat the new exciting you like gold. Maybe you'll divorce and marry a millionaire who will take you off to his beautiful home on Kauai (happened to my ex sister-in-law after my stupid brother dumped her). Maybe you'll be wooed by a series of handsome 6'6" men (happened to me!).
Go on Netflix and stream the movie She Devil. Get an attorney to protect you and your daughters financially. And start imagining a shiny bright new future - and taking steps to create the new you that is going to get there.
I never knew this would happen. I guess I never will know what's going to happen. Thanks for the pickup. I'm an impatient woman. :o) I guess I am kinda a hottie when I want to be
