3 Years after D-Day, part 2. Separated 9 Months.

[littleGTO]

HI, Ed,
Haven't posted on your thread before, but found myself reading this entire thread.

One thing is very evident--you really love your W despite everything she has done/not done.

Having said that I agree w leo...she needs to be held accountable for her actions/lack of actions.

I would ask her for a meeting to refine her role/visitation in her son's life. It sounds like she is trying to find her way out of the dismal life she has for herself, but it may actually be wishful thinking between nights out at the bar.

I agree also it is time for you to let her go/drop the rope. I know she determines when / if she sees your S, but YOU need a life for YOU.

It sounds like you were finding some good GAL activities, outside of your S's activities, but you need to pursue MORE and more frequently.

It will make you stronger. It will motivate you to want to do more and expand your social network.

You deserve more in life and so does your son. Stop waiting for her...just my two cents.

[Am I Too Late]

Hi again everyone.

I needed an emotional break.

It seems like some things have changed since the beginning of the year.

Firstly, she still hasn't kept in consistent contact with our Son, who just turned 10 last month. Contacts with him since Thanksgiving have been a visit for 4 hours at her apartment the day before Thanksgiving. An overnight visit on December 23rd. A several hour visit on MLK Day holiday. A joint going to the movie theater on his birthday where i picked her up and dropped her off. Then A 1 hour visit on Presidents day.

On the birthday, it was just a fun day with enjoying the movie and she approached me when i dropped her off and she gave me a half-hearted hug.

On Valentines Day, i sent a written letter apologizing for my side of where we were at. She immediately called me and said, "Don't you think that I'm, (herself), the one that needs to be sorry. I turned everyones life upside down a year earlier."

Also, she later sent a message that she can probably add me to the list of everyone who hates her now.

I responded that i don't hate her, just what alcohol has done to her life. She appreciated what i had to say.

On Presidents Day, Monday, February 18th, she was supposed to have picked up our Son on Sunday after me and him got done with Church and she agreed to a request our son had made to meet us at the restaurant for brunch.

That didn't happen. Late that afternoon she messaged me that she couldn't find her car keys. I said i could have picked her up and dropped them both off at her apartment, so that's just an excuse.

Later that evening, she messaged me that the other guy will no longer be a problem, as they split up that day and he would be moving out the next morning. I wasn't aware he actually was living there.

She drove him around all the next morning to help him get his dads truck repaired instead of picking up our son.

Finally, at 2;00 pm she came over to pick him up and was really distraught looking. Earlier in the day she had messaged me to see if i still attend a particular Monday night AA meeting. I asked, that i didn't want to guess, but if she was considering going to it, then i would stay away from that one if she preferred. Shed said she was strongly considering it.

So, she picked up our son at 2 and was supposed to bring him to his karate class at 5:00 pm. At only 3:00, she called me and said she couldn't handle being with our son and asked where we could meet and if i could take him back.

I did and my son for the first time was in shock and confused. He later told me he is Mad and Sad about mommy.

She did go to that one AA meeting.

I sent her a daily encouragement and positive affirmations about doing the best that you can and felt i was being supportive. I also sent her an article on relapse warning signs, etc... , Well, on Saturday evening, she sent me a message that "I am not her sponsor and if i keep sending her stuff that has anything to do with anything other than our sob, she will take legal action to enforce that. " She said my apologies, references to her affairs, and to her drinking are shredding her apart."

That's absurd i told her. She could have visits or phone calls anytime she wants, but she chooses to not follow through.
7
She said my apologies, references to her affairs, and to her drinking are shredding her apart.

I'm not in touch with her in the past 7 days and now it's been 20 days since her last contact with our son.

I'm finally going to file for child support.

The day she and that other guy split up was the one year anniversary of her moving out.

It looks like i have my commercial property sold and have some minor financial opportunities to help bail me out.

Me

[PatientMan]

I don't really know what to say. I do know that when dealing with an alcoholic, your understanding appears to be spot on. The addiction has clouded her judgement...her EVERYTHING in a fog which distorts reality and doesn't allow her to see things clearly. She knows she is making mistakes across the board, it's just that those mistakes take a backseat to the addiction, which is a self-feeding demon (she drinks because she feels bad and she feels bad because she drinks).

Sometimes there is nothing that can be done for a person in this kind of a situation, and I guess you know that already. I do know that, for me, it took the risk of losing the very most important thing in my life for things to click and the fog to lift. The look on my W's face when she told me I should leave 15 months ago cut through me like a hot knife through butter. I had stopped here and there, backed off of it here and there, but always found my way back to filling the internal void with the bottle. She had made idle threats before, but what she said, how she said it, and the look on her face that morning is the one thing sharp enough to pierce me all the way through. My fog lifted instantaneously and I've been scrambling ever since.

My marriage is headed towards divorce, but the mistake my W says she made was that she only had the stones to say what she said that day because her feelings about me had changed. She hadn't the strength to risk losing me to say it before. I realize my situation isn't exactly the most desirable one to model after, but perhaps there's a lesson to learn in that sometimes you have to do something that is really hard in order to help someone else do what's best. In my case, I haven't had a drop of alcohol since she talked to me that day, and it hasn't even been difficult. Not even a little bit. My W is the, by FAR, the worst thing I've ever been addicted to, which is a problem I'm dealing with now: detaching from her.

My dependency issues aside, don't make the same mistake my W did. DON'T wait until you don't care to drop the rope, because once you get to that point you're just going to walk away regardless. If you want a chance to reconcile, stop doing what isn't working, let go of that rope and just put both hands together to start praying.

Your resolve is inspiring. All the best.

-PM

[Am I Too Late]

Thank you for your comment PM.

Even though you have not had a drop or desire for a drink since the day she dropped the bomb, i would STRONGLY suggest you getting a solid support group for continued abstinence and personal and spiritual growth.

I believe in rigorously attending AA meetings for myself and hopefully will acknowledge my 19th consecutive year of sobriety on the 31st of this month.

Good luck to you.

NOW..... Regarding my situation.

.

Interesting???

After 8 days of No Contact and 21 days since my Wife last had contact with our Son, she sent me the following e-mail just a little while ago.

Title: Listen

Fallen by Sarah McLachlan

That was the entire message, so, i looked up the lyrics and "Other Peoples" interpretations of the meaning of it.

Here are the lyrics. What do you guys think?

Fallen

By: Sarah McLachlan

Lyrics

Heaven bent to take my hand And lead me through the fire Be the long awaited answer To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best But somewhere along the way I got caught up in all there was to offer And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen... I have sunk so low I have messed up Better I should know So don't come round here And tell me "I told you so..."

We all begin with good intent Love was raw and young We believed that we could change ourselves THe past could be undone But we carry on our backs the burden Time always reveals The lonely light of morning The wound that would not heal It's the bitter taste of losing everything That I have held so dear...

I've fallen... I have sunk so low I have messed up Better I should know So don't come round here And tell me "I told you so..."

Heaven bent to take my hand Nowhere left to turn I'm lost to those I thought were friends To everyone I know Oh they turned their heads embarassed Pretend that they don't see But it's one missed step You'll slip before you know it And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen... I have sunk so low I have messed up Better I should know So don't come round here And tell me "I told you so..." [2X]

[Am I Too Late]

I replied 1/2 hour later.

Here are the next exchanges:

.

Wifes Name,

I would rather listen to you. I read the lyrics and Other Peoples interpretations of it.

I am only interested in your meaning honey.

Back in 2009, i wrote you a poem that i wanted to give to you.

It was called, "Fallen Angel, Grab My Hand".

I would love to hear what you are trying to say.

You will always be in my heart.

Me

.

Her Reply:

.

To Me:

I'm trying

.

My Response Back To Her:

.

You will be okay Wifes Name.

I don't want to guess at what you are "Trying" at.

First, i hope sobriety.

Secondly, i hope friendship, trust and respect.

I hope that someday i feel i can give you that poem and you know how much i meant everything, way back then and i still do.

Me

[Am I Too Late]

Frustrating!!!

Okay, after i last responded to her message that she sent in the morning, asking her What Her Feelings were about instead of what anyone can interpret from the lyrics, her response back was just a link to the video from YouTube with the written lyrics.

So, i replied later in the evening to her:

Wifes Name,

That is one of the versions i listened to and read the lyrics from last night. Those lyrics have so many interpretations.

What are YOU feeling and asking?

What can i do to help comfort you? I used to know, but I'm afraid to do anything that you might take the wrong way.

We ALL make mistakes, but we ALL can be forgiven and Redeemed too, if that is what your own core values are seeking. I hope that my own actions have spoken louder and more to the point than any words that i have spoken.

Maybe you feel it's too painful for you to put into your own words.

Don't be scared or intimidated Wifes Name. I just don't want to see my wife hurting.

Do any of these other peoples interpretations say what's in Your Heart Wifes Name?

Don't be Lost. Keep traveling the path that You feel is the right one that embraces your true inner most core values about what's right for you to be at peace.

I would hope and Pray that you feel you can talk to me and tell me YOUR feelings. I am here for you when you feel safe enough to want to open up with me.

I just want you to know that you are not alone. I will be there when you are ready to take down the walls.

Me

.

She just replied this morning:

What I need from you is to just relax. Don't bombard me with emails unless about Sons Name, animals, etc. I did break down and went back on the Paxil week ago. Takes couple Weeks to adjust but starting to feel difference already. I will call this evening to talk to Sons Name. Promise. What time best? For me prob after 7, before 9.

Wifes Name

What seems frustrating to me is that except for replying to her e-mail about the song lyrics, i had not been in contact with her for the previous 8 days.

I guess i was hoping that she saw her past actions and the consequences and was reaching out to me.

I'll still chalk that up as a small baby step though, because she is the one who initiated contact.

AITL

[Am I Too Late]

Well, for the next day or so after my W sent me those song lyrics, without stating what She was thinking or feeling, i became very emotional again.

Luckily, i resisted the urges to further reach out to her any more than the replies i initially sent. I'm back to feeling more detached now since the middle of the week.

I did get to do an estimate yesterday for my former secretaries new boss. I had to take my S-10 with me to do the measurements, because he had been off school for 2 days with a fever and other flu like symptoms.

He felt good enough to attend a school sponsored roller-blading event last night and we both had a good time.

AITL

[Am I Too Late]

I know i can't do anything, especially if it seems like pursuit that would push my Wife farther away, but just going on,with my life without my wife and our sons mother here feels so empty.

I really would like to know what message she attempted to cryptically send via that song, "Fallen", that she sent to me to listen to. I don't get why she didn't reply to answer what she felt it meant to her.

I'm making inexpensive plans to take my son to the Wisconsin Dells next week for Spring Break to go to a really large indoor water park, which is where we went last year for Spring Break, and he really wants to go there again.

If my wife stayed sober since when she went to an AA meeting last month, tomorrow will be 30 days for her. I don't know if she continued yet though. No one has mentioned seeing her at any other meeting since that 1st one, but i haven't gone out of my way to find out from former mutual friends either.

I know that if she does get sober again, that that alone won't reconcile our relationship, but without it, there will always be a Zero percent chance. Same goes for all the new friends she made and reacquainted herself with since she decided to relapse.

My son doesn't even mention her anymore because she has become such an inconsistent part of his life.

I'm still trying to move forward, but this weight around my heart still feels like a clenched fist squeezing my feelings out of me

Well, at least my son had a Great St. Patricks Day. We set up a Leprechaun trap and captured 10 gold dollar coins and a fistful of silver quarters overnight. We didn't catch the Leprechaun though. He's a crafty and shifty little person.

AITL

[Am I Too Late]

Just as another note, i just attended my 3rd week at a Mens Al-Anon group meeting to attempt to minimize my codependency issues and reactions to the wife that i "React" to, rather than Respond to.

AITL

[Am I Too Late]

Well, it's been 11 days since my W sent me the song lyric message and since she never responded about what SHE was trying to say to me, i haven't initiated any contact with her either, respecting her request to not overwhelm her with messages.

So, it's and unintentional, unplanned Going Dark period.

That leaves so many questions unresolved in my mind, with only her knowing the answers that she has not shared.

How can someone go from feeling more Loved And Adored by me than anyone else in her life, to causing so much turmoil and pain? Was there Ever any True Love from her to begin with, or was it just a temporary 7-8 years that i made her feel good about herself?

Last night was our S-10's schools Open House, Book Fair and Meet The Teacher night, and i know she gets the same school e-mails that i do, so she could have been thete, but didn't even call to inquire about it.

Next week is Spring Break, and we have reservations to go to The Wisconsin Dells to have 5 days of fun at an indoor waterpark, plus do other tourist activities from a discount program.

I actually tossed the idea around about inviting my Wife and letting her go with our S-10 instead of me to try to ignite some Motherly connection, but i discarded that. I want to go and have fun with my Son and he is looking forward to it with me, just like last year. If she makes contact before we leave and indicates she would like to share in the fun, then she can open that door.

The thoughts still continue running rampant in my head about what she was trying to tell me via that song though. I feel like i missed an opportunity to understand her feelings and validate them.

So, my Going Dark period is not a Plan B, but just what it is.

Should i contact her?

AITL