Hello! I've spent what feels like days reading on this and other MLC sites but this is my first post. Like many, I wish I'd found it sooner. While I knew my H wasn't himself, it took me a long time to find a name for it. Fortunately, from what I've read, I seemed to follow a lot of the recommended steps intuitively.
BD was about 2 years ago and he moved out about a year ago. Although I suspected an affair, and asked him about it several times he denied, denied, denied. That's one mistake I made and have had a hard time forgiving myself for: while I've always believed ANYONE could have an affair, I never thought H could lie to me. Little did I know that lying and affairs go together like peanut butter and jelly.
I finally got confirmation and confronted him about it 4 months ago. From my first suspicions, I knew exactly who it was - a co-worker on his previous job. She lived across the country and they had only seen each other twice this entire year.(Distance, no doubt, kept it going longer than it might have.) He was very repentant, answered all of my questions openly and honestly, and we had some of the best talks we've had in years. Much of the glow had started to fade from the OW and he was mostly feeling stuck. He ceased contact with her for two months while we figured out what to do. We thought about reconciling but realized neither of us was ready for that. Unlike others on this site, he never asked for a D and just wanted to go on like this indefinitely.
The problem is that he had gotten her work on his current job, one that was going to take him to another city for an extended period. Things were going fine until he had to go visit on a business trip and the fantasy of that other life - of which she was a part - proved too strong to resist. He was torn. I told him if that's what he wanted to do, he should go and I would do nothing to make him feel guilty, but I would file for D. If he didn't go, we would stay separated, and just be there to support each other until we had a clearer idea of what we both wanted. He chose to go, although he was vacillating up until the day he got on the plane.
The real tragedy in this is the timing. We were really connecting and the time before he left was quite nice. We spent a lot of time together, hanging out and having fun, and talking from the heart. He knows that I don't want a D, am not making any final decisions for awhile, and that I'm not giving up on us. It just felt like something that needed to happen right now - an instinct, if you will. One thing I've learned in all this is to trust my instincts.
He calls regularly to talk to the kids, and usually wants to speak to me, too. I keep it light, no R talk, and am usually the first one to say goodbye. The only emails I send are family related.
Here's my problem: he is coming back to visit soon and I don't know if I should let him stay here (on the couch). He doesn't really have anywhere else to go, as he only has a couple of friends. There are pros and cons to each option. For example, Pro: he might get more attached, Con: I might get more attached! I miss him and would love to spend the time with him, but wonder if that is continuing to allow the cake-eating of the last year. I feel it's a critical stage right now and I'm not sure which way to go.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of link
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Thanks for your ultra brand new and improved links. I have already read through them - I told you I've spent days on here! I've also read a lot of your posts, as well as those from other great veterans of the MLC battle.
I am now trying to figure out how to apply all that knowledge to where I am in my sich. H and I are talking and connecting again, but he still felt as if he needed to go try and live this other life. He may or may not still be seeing OW; if he is it's most likely casual.
I'm just not sure how to handle his upcoming trip back here to visit. It's been so nice reconnecting with him and I don't want to lose an opportunity to continue that, but I also don't want to backslide. Should I just be a friend - which would mean letting him sleep on the couch for a couple of weeks? Or should I let him continue to feel the consequences of his choices and he'll have to find somewhere else to stay? He's been very respectful of the boundaries I set the last couple of months so I know he won't challenge me whatever I decide. I'm just not sure which is the best path for either of us.
My instinct is to let him stay, but that's also my personality. I often let visiting family stay here. In that respect, he's not less than anyone else and so maybe I should extend him the same courtesy. But there's a whole lot more subtext than there would be with others.
Well in the end you should do what is best for YOU.
If you can let him stay with no EXPECTATIONS and more or less keep your detachment then it is good for PAVING the way, however if it is going to cause you to go spinning off or to be riding the rollercoaster then then I would say NO.
There is no right or wrong answer and either way it is not going to make him finish his MLC any faster. It may slow things down but that is also hard to say.
It is a chance to show him your changes, but you must be ready for that.
