In my other thread I described my sitch and got lots of great input from several of you. I know some were getting frustrated with me.
I'm really trying to take the advice to heart and would like to get more feedback, especially re: following text conversation from today. I have not initiated contact for 5 days now. She initiated w/me after 2. Goes to show my fear that she wouldn't was unfounded. Also not pushing to talk R.
Anyway, here's the exchange, I'll summarize the small talk. I'd like to get input..am I starting to get it?
She started by texting me that she got pain shots in her neck, which has been excruciating since our ordeal started. Stress induced IMO. Asked her about pain, whether relieved yet,whether X-ray showed anything etc, general concern and empathy conversation. Me: Any relief from shots yet? W: Nope. Was numb-now hurts.Keeping ice on it. I'm working late again tonight. Me: that stinks. How are u otherwise? W: Sad. Me: I'm sad that you're sad. Anything I can do? W:I really don't know. Miss my children... Me: they miss you. W: I want to see them Me: What do you want me to do? W: ??? Me: I've talked to S20, and S17. Told them you said you wanted to work on fixing Rs but needed to know they would try. They said they would. Plan on talking to D17 too. What else can I do? W: That's good. I cry all day every day without them. Then I get mad at you, because I needed someone to take care of me. Me: Driving, just a sec W: Ok Me: I didn't take care of you in the way you need. Tell me more about that. W: You sound like a shrink! [she sent emoticon here that did not come through] Busy. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Me: That hurt. I'm being sincere. Your emoticon just a box so I really don't know how to take it. W: Oh. Sorry. I put a silly face. It was a joke!!! Me: Oh. Sorry. That's what I get for breaking D17's rule. Do want to hear more though. [D17 has a rule to never discuss nontrivial issues over text. Wise girl but it's all I got right now...] W: Ok we will talk.
End. I think I did some 180s there? Not as forceful as I am known to be? Let her bring up the R stuff, validated, attempted mirroring.
Thoughts?
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Please stick with your other thread until it hits 100 posts, then start a new one. It's hard to track your sitch and what advise has been discussed if you have multiple threads. Regarding the above:
Quote:
What do you want me to do?
You're trying to fix her problems. Stop doing that. The idea of giving her time and space is so that she can work through her issues on her own.
Quote:
I've talked to S20, and S17. Told them you said you wanted to work on fixing Rs but needed to know they would try. They said they would. Plan on talking to D17 too. What else can I do?
You're trying to control things. Stop. Butt out. She needs to resolve her relationship issues with the kids and with you, and she needs to do it on her own.
Quote:
I didn't take care of you in the way you need. Tell me more about that.
That's an R talk. Don't ever initiate R talks!
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
Quote:
I think I did some 180s there? Not as forceful as I am known to be? Let her bring up the R stuff, validated, attempted mirroring.
Can you explain what 180's you think you did here? She didn't bring up R stuff, YOU did. I see no validation or mirroring either unless you're talking about "I'm sad that you're sad." But that's not validation, validation would be asking her why she feels sad and telling her things like "I can tell you're sad, I understand why you feel that way." Don't imply that her emotions drive your emotions, that you feel a certain way because she does.
