* Pretty rocky marriage for 9 years. Most of the bad is on me. Not all, but most. Talked about D off and on for past 3 years.
* Late August - I took a week of clothes to have a cooling off period and moved in with parents.
* Found out she filed for D two days before I left
* Been served and sent a counter
* Not much communication between us - mostly about two daughters
* Not doing a good job of DBing at all.
* Really messed up previous two days asking about MC and inviting her to lunch with expected results.
* Reread DR. Feel I must now use the LRT. We have two daughters, so I know contact will not be avoided completely, but I will not find any reason to contact her like I have been.
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
I would also like some advice. Should I go ahead and find an apartment? I am still at parents. I guess I am worried about being tied to a lease in the small hopes of a R.
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
Hey G- I would discuss your living arrangements with your lawyer before you do anything and how it could affect things.
This is the right advice at this point. I wouldn't make any semi-permanent plans like an apartment without checking with L first.
W: 40 Me: 44 M: 12 years Together: 14 Three children (S-4, D-3, S-1) EA started in April, discovered in 07/12 ILYBNILWY: 07/12 MC Started: 09/12 Patience Tested: 1,245,963 times since 07/12
It has now been 24 hours since the contact with W yesterday. It isn't so bad right now. Honestly, I guess I did expect her to contact me later since it was our A. But, I guess my attempt at lunch set us back even further ... if that is possible.
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
I have to say that I am scared right now. I hear about MC not working, etc. However, my W is still not willing to do any of that (no, I didn't ask again today - no contact). I just hope that my W has not, as DR said, closed the door and nobody will open it again. To be honest, I feel she has. But, who know if the LRT will come through. I am praying it does.
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
Hi Grateful. I'm sorry you find yourself here, but you've gotten some pretty good advice. Listen to the vets here.
I got the sense that you are being very reactionary in this whole process. IMO, you are way too concerned with W and what she's thinking. What about you? What are you doing to GAL? Start living. Who do you want to be? What kind of father? Do it.
When explaining what went wrong in the M, I pretty much got that you were living as married singles and you were selfish. How was it when you were dating? When you first got married? What were your W's complaints during the M?
Did you read 5LL? It's probably not something that is going to actively help you given the current sitch, but it may help you understand some of the problems in the M.
Originally Posted By: Grateful
180's:
1. Not being controlling - not so hard considering I am living with my parents, and she is controlling all legal stuff right now. We are in the "dicovery" process of court.
Controlling is a big one for me too, and the fact that you see that is huge. But, I still see an awful lot of control in your posts.
Originally Posted By: Grateful
W: Don't see the point Me: We can learn to be godly H and W. W: Past is too bad Me: MC can help us get through the past and work forward. A friend of mine and his wife were in the exact position we are in. They went, and their M is better than ever.
Do you think either of your responses is what your W wants? That's what YOU want. Do you see that?
She doesn't want the M right now...but what does she want? To learn to co-parent? To be able to put the resentment behind you? Those might be reasons SHE'D consider counseling. And yes, picking a MC is something you have to put a ton of effort in....read the section on it in DR. Another opportunity to get to that may occur down the road.
One of the things that I did early on that helped me get my head straight was think of my W and I ask friends that co-parent. It took a lot of pressure off me, and allowed me to behave a lot more natural. If this works for you, great, but if not, find something that works for you.
Stop applying any pressure of any kind. Every time you have done it (i.e. invitation to something), what has been the result?
Hang in there...this is tough stuff and an emotional roller coaster. It is also a long long process....think marathon, not a sprint.
