I don't even know if he filed for divorce yet or not. Does he have to notify me if he does file for divorce?
He doesn't have to notify you, but you will be served papers in person when or if he does file. I believe that is the case no matter what state you are in. I was served at work.
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
Hi Starbag. I hadn't read your sitch until just now and just wanted to offer you a virtual hug and some support.
My H and I have been living on two coasts for two years now due to his job. So, I feel for you with the LDR. My H had an A a few months ago. I still don't know the details, except for the brief conversation I had with her (though, in my case, the OW thought we were separated).
Living with your in-laws must be so much harder for you to have the space to detach from H. I don't know how you do it, you must be an incredibly strong person (even if you don't feel like it right now). Congratulations on finishing your master's program. With all the stressors you have been under, that is a huge accomplishment and says a lot about your perseverance.
Regarding your question about inviting your H to your upcoming event, my opinion...don't. Invite a friend, someone you know you will have fun with and then just look forward to the date. You moving on and having fun, GAL, that's what's important. A residual effect of that is he will probably hear about it. Now, it may or may not impact him, but the impact on you will be much greater. Try and go out and not think about him (trust me, I know it's easier said than done), but each time you do, the space between thoughts will begin to expand, until one day you'll realize you had gone all day without thinking about him.
I'm still struggling with a lot of the same feelings you are, though, my sitch is a little different. But I realized around Thanksgiving that I was punishing myself, not allowing myself to feel good about any of the things that used to bring me joy. That's when I started making a conscious decision to start projects I had been putting off, doing things that made me happy, making new friends or rediscovering old ones. None of it's easy at first, but once you get the ball rolling, it starts to pick up speed.
He doesn't have to notify you, but you will be served papers in person when or if he does file. I believe that is the case no matter what state you are in. I was served at work.
I see. I haven't been served yet. I just feel trapped sometimes like nothing is going on. Although, I do not want to be served... Thanks for telling me this Grateful!
Hi Starbag. I hadn't read your sitch until just now and just wanted to offer you a virtual hug and some support.
My H and I have been living on two coasts for two years now due to his job. So, I feel for you with the LDR. My H had an A a few months ago. I still don't know the details, except for the brief conversation I had with her (though, in my case, the OW thought we were separated).
Living with your in-laws must be so much harder for you to have the space to detach from H. I don't know how you do it, you must be an incredibly strong person (even if you don't feel like it right now). Congratulations on finishing your master's program. With all the stressors you have been under, that is a huge accomplishment and says a lot about your perseverance.
Regarding your question about inviting your H to your upcoming event, my opinion...don't. Invite a friend, someone you know you will have fun with and then just look forward to the date. You moving on and having fun, GAL, that's what's important. A residual effect of that is he will probably hear about it. Now, it may or may not impact him, but the impact on you will be much greater. Try and go out and not think about him (trust me, I know it's easier said than done), but each time you do, the space between thoughts will begin to expand, until one day you'll realize you had gone all day without thinking about him.
I'm still struggling with a lot of the same feelings you are, though, my sitch is a little different. But I realized around Thanksgiving that I was punishing myself, not allowing myself to feel good about any of the things that used to bring me joy. That's when I started making a conscious decision to start projects I had been putting off, doing things that made me happy, making new friends or rediscovering old ones. None of it's easy at first, but once you get the ball rolling, it starts to pick up speed.
Good luck to you.
Hi Frozen, Thank you so much for this post!! So sorry you had something similar to mine. I feel like I'm not the only one. Sometimes I feel extremely stupid for separating from my H and regret my decisions so much.... But I guess I never saw this far, I thought getting educated more was good for us in the long run....sigh.
And thanks for your encouragement!!! I really don't feel that special graduating since this happened to me, but your words made me feel better about myself. And yeah, it was really stressful, looking back, I can't believe I made it.
Thanks for the advice. It makes sense! Yeah I won't invite H!! I want it to be a good memory not a sad one. Thanks for pointing that out!
I can totally relate. All these feelings, I can't believe I have them all and how consistent they are. I'm glad you are making changes and meeting new friends!! That's really really good for you! I'm slowly working on that too myself, today I went out and hang with an old friend, it felt nice. I almost forgot about H!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me! I hope we all will get through this well Good luck to you as well.
It's hard to say IF he will initiate contact, but it would contain less pressure if he did it as opposed to you.
If you are the one to initiate, he might feel the need to keep distant and cold while there. If you have expectations, a response like that might be hard to handle.
Thank you for dropping in. I wish he contacted me. You're right, the last time I initiated contact, he acted so distant and I disliked it so much. I will just let it go this time. I won't initiate it!
Do not know who to talk to, I feel like no one around me understands. But maybe they think I am the crazy one.
So today, MIL asked me if I had heard from H, I was surprised cuz I stopped talking about H to her. I told her no I haven't. Then she said she assumed so, she said she doesn't think H would come back. Then I said that he has to come back at some point. (I guess I meant to say he has to face me at some time no matter what) But she said that maybe not, he doesn't have to. I then said, well, even if he wants to D, we need to do the legal process, he can't just be gone forever without doing so. Then she said, well, that's all he needs to do anyway.
I felt bad after this short conversation, I feel so stupid like, how would I have such a "loser" H, that he dares not to face me. Maybe he has his perfect plan that he could just never ever see me or talk to me again.
I guess I just don't know what to do. I feel like peaking into H's life but, what can I get out of it. Just more hurt feelings.
I feel like I always ask the same advice. But slightly different to me. For people who read my other posts before, if it seems the same to you, please let me know.
So, finally, my parents are here with me for a while. I am thinking that maybe it's time for me to go talk to H once, just once.
I plan to not talk much, I want to hear what he wants to say. and I will bring my parents, not let them be mad at him but just see him, have lunch or something. My parents were very very nice to my H before, and bought him all kinds of nice things, and never said anything bad to him ever.
Is it an okay move or is it horrible? Please help me with this one. I really don't know what to do and my mind is so full or H right now. I know this is very wrong.....
Ugh, I'm so sorry for the convo you had with your MIL. If you mentioned it in previous posts, sorry for not remembering, but is there any way for you to get your own place, or move out with roommates, or even back in with your folks? I'm wondering if you were just able to get to a healthier place, with less connection to your H, would it help you feel stronger and safer in your decisions?
IMO, I wouldn't confront H with your parents there. This could be seen as your family ganging up on him and the outcome your hoping for may not arise. Enjoy your visit with your parents and use this time to get some much needed support from people who love you. Don't share that time with him. Be a little selfish here and remember you deserve to feel loved, regardless of the direction the love is coming from.
Can I ask you what type of response are you hoping to get from your H if you reach out to him right now?
Thanks for your reply. Yes, I do want to move out ASAP. I am graduating this month. (YAY at least I can say that) Originally, me and H planned to come back to his parents place and move out once we both get a job somewhere. But, this A thing happened, I moved back, he didn't. I was staying here hoping that he would come back at first but it seems impossible right now. So now I'm trying to find a job and move out then. Staying here now helps me to save on some money too (actually, I don't know now since it mentally gave me so much pressure, not sure if money is worth it.) But I do want to move out ASAP. I feel very dependent right now, it is my weakness, I wasn't like this before, but I realized that I changed into a very dependent person to H, I'm slowly getting back to myself though.
Yeah, I think you are right. I talked to my dad about it, and he thought what I planned to do makes no sense. I did feel better hanging out with parents, I feel truly free and love with them.
I guess I was hoping to show him that I am not what he thought i was, I just want him to be able to talk to me. My dad said I had unrealistic hopes. I guess I do..
I'm crying right now, just hear from H for the first time in months.
He still doesn't know that I know he is still seeing the OW!!! And he still lies to me, I can't believe it.
So, I'd like to hear from you and how to respond to this. I really don't know right now. Please, help me....
H said that he is scared to talk to me and thinks everyone is disappointed in him. He said for us both to heal from this, we need to be apart. He said he went to a therapist and was suggested that we should truly be apart to see how we feel. He said he wants to focus on career first, and said he wants me to do the same thing and that he is sorry.
Okay, here is my opinion about his lies. I REALLY want to tell him that I KNOW he is still cheating and seeing that OW!!! And I am very very sure of that I have proof. BUT, he is still giving these lies, these right sounding lies, these glamourous "reasons". Should I even be happy that he didn't bring up the D? What the h is he thinking? Or is he just making me quit first?
I feel like I'm not the only one. Sometimes I feel extremely stupid for separating from my H and regret my decisions so much.... But I guess I never saw this far, I thought getting educated more was good for us in the long run....sigh. 
Good luck to you as well.