Thank you dear Busting. I sent flowers to the funeral and feel better today. I think I was realizing that I was closer to W's family than my own and felt a bit groundless not being included.... but I am reminding myself today that I have the power to create my own feelings of family with whoever I choose...
I found this post in the archives and thought it was golden:
The poster was JenJam.
Registered: 05/18/06 Posts: 965 Loc: Surrey, UK OK, also wanted to post what worked for me - most of it will be a rehash of DR, but I thought I'd put it here as a real world example. JenJam's Top Ten DB Tips:
1. Don't panic. No-one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.
2. Don't depair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.
3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathising with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".
4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.
5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own timeframe.
6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.
7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.
8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)
9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.
10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say. You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.
OK - as I said this is what worked for me - if you're reading this then maybe it's different for you. If you're readin this and thinknig your own sitch is impossible think of this - would you give yourself false hope right now? Chances are you wouldn't. So why give yourself false despair? There are layers in a M crisis and you don't get the benefit of seeing them all at once. _________________________ Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married) Sept 07 2005 Seperated Sept and Oct 2005 H moved back Nov 2005, things still bad May 2006 - found this site Oct 2006 - H recomitted April 2007 - I began to feel normal again
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
I may print those 10 steps out... I love em! Thank you for reposting!!! I may repost that in my tread for anyone to see. It really puts things in prespective!
M: 25 W:23 M: 4 years T: 10 years S:5 S1 BD: 8/20/12 Sep: 11/12
(((NG))) I'm sorry your struggling this holiday season. Don't beat yourself up about your timeline. I've heard that the second holiday can sometimes be harder than the first.
We cannot control how fast our hearts heal. Make plans and stick to them. Fill your days contributing to one of the most "loving" seasons of the year.
Be loving and kind to yourself. Trust yourself. Know that You have done/doing the hard work to become the best ng possible. So if the sadness continues.. Perhaps it is necessary.. Often it's darkest before the day.
Hang in there honey!!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
The only dream I can remember since the bomb about my W was last year, where she told me she wanted to put the D on hold.
I'm sorry you're feeling so low during the holidays. ((())) My best advice is to stay as busy as you can and be around as many people as you can. Create your own holiday traditions that don't involve your W.
(((NG))) Be loving and kind to yourself. Trust yourself. Know that You have done/doing the hard work to become the best ng possible. So if the sadness continues.. Perhaps it is necessary.. Often it's darkest before the day.
grace, i'm hoping your days will keep improving and the sadness will diminish. not everyone heals at the same speed. give yourself more time. try redirecting your thoughts to happy things, if you can. what are the POSITIVES of your situation? there has to be some. try to focus on them.
(((())))
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Thank you sweet dear Val! And you are right again... the darkness has lifted and the light has returned..
I realized that, without being consciously aware of it, I had fully bought into the spew. I realized this when I was reminded that I had been a vice president in my former career and remembered all the accomplishments along the way.... and I was SURPRISED, almost shocked, as I remembered it.... as if I did not believe that I was capable of it all.
I guess I had realized how I had internalized her words about me as a W but was so unaware of how I had allowed myself to doubt myself in every aspect of my life... and being frustrated with myself for still hurting did not help, it made me feel worse about myself...
and when I was able to lift that veil... the fear lifted with it.. and with the fear I was able to look more closely at who W has been through this and realize that I deserve better, much better.. I am not saying that I do not share fault for the failure of our M or that W is not possibly in the throes of depression or MLC...
but all I know is that who she is now... is not attractive to me now.. and i do not say that in a lot of anger, though tbh there is some.. it feels more like acceptance.
what a journey this has become... new surprises behind every door
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
thank you for stopping by jbnati! and thanks for the advice.. i am going to plan a baking day this weekend. it is very late to invite people to join me but hopefully a few can stop in... and if not, i will enjoy the opportunity to make some good treats to share.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
the positives 1. the dogs sleep on the bed 2. hummus and carrots for dinner if i wish 3. leaving the cabinets open without reproach 4. not rushing around.. W was always so BUSY 5. hanging lots of my mom's paintings 6. redecorating and getting compliments! 7. i can put my train set out anywhere i want 8. no one stopped me from putting a ping pong table in the backyard 9. better Rs with my family and friends 10. learning to play silent night on the electric guitar
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
