Put your hands up; it's a wild ride

[someguy1233]

It looks like my thread has been locked. Time for part 2!

Part I of the most recent situation:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2287602#Post2287602

I’ll start with a very short summary:
*W had affair 2 years ago. She stopped contact and we remained married.
*7 months ago W was thinking about leaving. We tried counseling for a while but I think we ended up going back to our old ways again and didn't work on our relationship.
*One month ago wife said she didn’t want to be together. She stressed this was her ultimate goal and that she had mixed feelings, but this was her goal. She stayed out late drinking often. She slept on the couch.
*Over the last 1.5-2 weeks she’s returned to the bed. She states that she doesn’t know what to do and wishes that she could be happy with us. She said she doesn’t even know how to articulate what she thinks is missing in our relationship.
*She’s stopped going out drinking as much and spends much more time at home.
*I suspect OM after snooping and finding an email she forwarded to him. I also found a saved self-photo of him wearing nothing but a towel. I haven’t continued snooping since. I can’t prove affair since he’s a coworker in a large metropolitan city… it’s nearly impossible to track.
*W hates her job. She feels the stress of her job is more than the stress of our relationship problems. She’s trying to find a new job and has an interview tomorrow. We’ve also discussed her staying home with S and just working a part time evening/weekend job.
*Currently, she sleeps in our bed. She doesn’t wear her rings.
*We’re scheduled to go to Retrouvaille this weekend.

[someguy1233]

Last night when W was cooking dinner I saw her phone light up. It was a text message. She immediately pushed the button to turn off the screen and flipped her phone upside down on the counter.

It vibrated again. I made a comment, "your phone is going nuts." She responded, "I know. It's just stupid work emails."

Can she really think that I don't notice that her phone is upside down all the time? Or that she's put a passcode on it? Did she seriously think that I didn't see it was a text message, not a work email?

But I digress. I assume OM exists. What good could come of bringing this up now.

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During dinner W made a comment about going to apply for part-time jobs at the local retail stores in case she doesn't get the full-time job she's interviewing for tomorrow. This must mean she's still thinking about trying to work on our R, because there's no way she could afford to live on her own on a part-time income.

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I realized that I slipped from DB... Since W went from being adamant about separating, to questioning separating. I saw this small progress and started slipping in hopes that we were on our way to reconciling. So yesterday I went back into DB mode... I know these changes need to be permanent.

I was slower to respond to emails. I was brief in my responses but empathized more. After S went to bed I did my own thing for a while instead of immediately going to watch TV with her.

When we got into bed I immediately rolled so I was facing away from her and didn't bother to say goodnight. She scooted over and spooned ME with her arm tightly around me. Not a word was said. Eventually she rolled over but made sure her butt was still touching mine. Perhaps she felt me pulling away today... either way. I have to detach.

[AnotherStander]

I actually think you're in a really good position for Retrouvaille. She's confused, but interested in working on the M at some level so she should be open to what she'll encounter there. I wouldn't concern yourself with who she's talking to for now, just go to R and give it a chance to work its magic. Try to maintain the status quo until then, keep up with your DB'ing but don't make any big moves/ changes.

[2chiquitos]

I would love an update on your weekend. I read so many reviews on it and I would like to encourage H to go.

[someguy1233]

Journaling...

Last night we were supposed to meet with her family for dinner. She missed her bus so S and I went with out her. She took a later bus home since there wasn't another bus to the restaurant.

When S and I got home she was pretty buzzed (slightly drunk...). She said she had three glasses of wine while waiting for another bus.

She gave me a brief/silly hug. We had a brief chat after S went to bed. I didn't talk much... I figured I'd let her run the conversation to see where it'd go, especially since she'd been drinking. She asked me if it felt weird when we went out on Saturday. She said it felt weird to her… like a first date. But she said it felt like I knew all of her annoying qualities… and that everything that other people would find attractive, I would find annoying. I said that wasn’t the case at all.

She made a comment completely out of the blue about being sexually frustrated. We haven't had relations in over a month. I have no idea what is going on with possible OM. I was impressed with myself for not even grabbing onto this statement. In the past I would have tried to use this comment to spin it into a physical evening. I immediately thought, "Why bother. That's just going to confuse things even more and make it more difficult for me." I happy with myself for making this decision.

We had planned to watch the election results. We sat on separate couches. She spent the majority of the time playing on her phone. She seemed to be on Facebook and texting a lot. I almost got up and walked out of the room. I was frustrated that we planned to watch the results together but she wasn't actually watching it WITH me. She was watching it with whomever was on the other end of her phone.

Going to bed was the opposite of the previous night. No physical touching. No "good nights."

[someguy1233]

This thought just occurred to me: Is my W cake-eating?

She tells me she doesn't know what she wants to do and that she isn't in a hurry to make a decision. She says we're in a "holding pattern" until she gets a new job, so she doesn't have to deal with job stress while trying to figure out what to do with our relationship.

In the meantime, there's potential OM. At a minimum, there has to be an EA.

I feel like she's just putting our relationship on hold. She's put us in timeout while she goes and explores whatever she wants. I've given her the freedom to do so since I'm not putting up any boundaries, and one of my 180s is to stop asking her who/what/when/where questions all the time and to stop making her feel guilty for going out.

She can go out, and knows that I'm at home caring for S. She can chat with me like we're friends, and send me occasional emails throughout the day. But at the end of the day... we're roommates with a kid until she decides what to do.

[someguy1233]

I'd appreciate anyone's thoughts on cake-eating... I don't really want to be enabling her to run around and take advantage of me.

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When she was done she sent me an email that simply said, “All done.” She didn’t provide any details of how it went, etc. I didn’t ask since I figured she’d share if she wanted to.

Prior to going to the interview she emailed to tell me she was thinking about going out for happy hour with coworkers after the interview. She said she wouldn’t be home for dinner, but wouldn’t be out late. This ended up being untrue as she came home at 10:30PM. I was already in bed sleeping, but woke up when I heard her come home. I don’t think she knows that I woke.

She didn’t come into the bedroom and slept on the couch. She had moved back to our bed a couple weeks ago, so this really shook me.

This morning I was angry and bitter. I was angry that she lied and stayed out late. Over the years we’ve had many conversations about her staying out and not telling me. She knows I worry. All I’ve ever asked for is some sort of communication so I know what’s going on. I was angry at what I saw as backwards progress: she was back on the couch. I didn’t talk to her at all this morning. I only gave one or two word responses to anything she said. She was acting normal (our new “normal” given the situation).

Shortly before I left she grabbed my arms and said something like, “What’s the matter?”
I snapped back, “nothing.”
She walked away frustrated saying, “fine. Be that way. Walk around being all passive-aggressive. If you have a problem why don’t you just say what it is.”
I reached back for her and said, “Wait. Let’s talk about whatever this is.”
She brushed off my reach and walked away.

I don’t think this was successful DB behavior. Should I have ignored the fact that she stayed out and slept on the couch? Should I have continued acting as-if? The whole time I was angry I was just thinking about how freeing it would be to just end this myself.

[labug]

Lots of mind-reading.

Do you really think 10:30 is late? If you had said 2am, maybe but she's 32 years old, 10:30 seems reasonable.

Maybe she slept on the couch because she didn't want to wake you or didn't want to get the 3rd degree. You don't know because you didn't ask, you assumed.

Shortly before I left she grabbed my arms and said something like, “What’s the matter?”
I snapped back, “nothing.”
She walked away frustrated saying, “fine. Be that way. Walk around being all passive-aggressive. If you have a problem why don’t you just say what it is.”
I reached back for her and said, “Wait. Let’s talk about whatever this is.”
She brushed off my reach and walked away.

Did this get you closer to where you want to be?

Think about why you reacted as you did.

[AnotherStander]

I don’t think this was successful DB behavior. Should I have ignored the fact that she stayed out and slept on the couch?

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

Should I have continued acting as-if?

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

[someguy1233]

In our life, 10:30 is late. Anything after the time we went to bed is considered late. This is the way we've communicated time frames for years.

You're right. I was mind reading. I didn't ask why she slept on the couch. Should I have asked of is that considered asking her whereabouts?