D18 knows what the OW looks like-she has met the OW because she was a mutual friend. D18 has temper problems and I don't trust what she will do in the OW's presence. She told me afterward that she had this grand plan to "let" the OW know what pain she has caused our family.
This is what I did. I sent a text saying that I was sorry he felt like unloaded on him and I could see how it felt that way...
"This is all very confusing. I know you're hurting and I want to be there for you but the third person makes it very hard for me. If you want to come to help tomorrow, that's fine but I may leave and you can spend time with the girls. Let me know what time. Thx."
He responded "Thanks. sorry this is hard on you.it's hard on me too. i'll let you know"
He also apologized to D18 and said he wished he had gone to the college visit.
Would be nice to hear something like "I miss YOU"
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I agree with AJM, completely...the shininess is wearing off and he peeking back out...but as AJ said, this is a tough, and delicate point.
You know reality, you know he can't trusted (yet), you have the power at this point, use it wisely with the long term in mind.
As far as letting him come over, maybe that is where you decide, for YOU, what you are comfortable with...the line between a smooth road home, and cake-eating, is very vague and not straight, and crosses over into the other's turf from time to time. Maybe have limited access, with a clear goal communicated for each visit (fix the sink, mow the grass, visit with kids, etc)...?
Since my mlc'er has been in-house the whole time, I have wore the badge of doormat, allowed some cake-eating, but slowly reduced those things up as my changes were shown to be real and not a tactic, as I have seen her "warm-up" to me, watched the OMs shininess fade, and as W has worked through her stages/issues/whatever...but boundaries must be determined by you and enforced, modified as needed...lots of trial and error and going with what "feels" right when calm and centered. Your mileage may vary depending on road conditions and driving style...;)
Btw, I appreciate your references to Monty Python...they are a favorite of mine...your H has a W who appreciates MP, that is rare in my experience, man, is just doesn't know...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
You may not hear I miss you until later in his crisis. Remember, I have mentioned before that you are the first one he will disconnect from. So far, he's still holding steady w/the girls.
I'm sorry about the dog, but I'm glad he finally opted to have him put down.
The ow isn't going to care what your daughter says to her, but if it will make your daughter feel better, then so be it. You can't control what happens when they meet up w/the ow or w/your h.
You've apologized and now it's time to let it go. He may not come over tomorrow as he's got a lot to think about. Don't be disappointed if he doesn't.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
MP has lightened this load in the last year. When I'm particularly down, I watch the Ministry of Silly Walks or the Fish Dance or Olympic Hide and Seek.
"This parrot is dead, has ceased to be, has ceased to exist, gone to the great beyond, this parrot is no more..."
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
You've gotten some great advice here. I just want to add that, in addition to being an excuse to come over, his doing those chores may be an attempt to alleviate his guilt. My H did the same thing when he moved out (though he was still denying there was an OW) and also gave me a very expensive Christmas gift. It didn't last, though!
I've read in some books that you shouldn't let them do things for you if they are still having an outside relationship. It lets them believe they're "trying to help" but it's all about making themselves feel better for the way they're treating you.
Feel like I'm going insane. I keep hearing his voice over and over in my head saying he and the OW were still together, saying he spends most of his time, much of his time over at her apartment.
I tried so hard this week to be strong and set boundaries and he still got me in the end. hate that.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Saying all this in front of D18. Pondering whether he will introduce her to the girls. It hurts again.
Someone please remind me what the OW means. What she's about. I see them sleeping together most nights, even when he's telling me how sorry he is...but not sorry enough to stop.
WTF
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
And, I know that's where he is right now. With her. Despite our pain. despite all we said to him. despite all HE said a few days ago. Saying to me "We're still married." ick.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
