need immediate advice

[Cheryl44]

Hi,

Hoping I can get some advice from others who have "been there". My situation is we've been married almost 20 years, and I just found proof that my husband is cheating on me for the second time in our marriage. What to do? I'm ready to walk away, but I don't want my family broken up (I have d12 and s9 - 1st time he cheated on me we did not have children).

Things had been going well, but I started noticing differences a few months back. 2 weeks ago, I found out he's been texting one # several times a day. I asked who this was, and he thought it was devious of me to check his phone (I didn't look at his phone, but I found them on the online bill usage report, as we've been hitting overage charges). He said it was nothing, just a friend at work, told me to stop thinking so much, etc.

So, I started looking up divorce busting again (it helped me before and I believe it will help me again (however this turns out). I've let myself go for the past few years, so I started working out, stopped bugging him with questions, etc. But then today, I couldn't help think that he was lying to me, so I did look at his phone. He has a private inbox where these text msgs for that one # go, that requires a password. I then looked at pictures on his phone, and there the 2 of them are. I haven't confronted himyet, but don't know what to do...is it really better to keep a marriage together? I'll confront him soon, but wanted to talk to some legal counsel first. Compounding the problem is we've been in debt and we've been working together for the last 1-2 years to pay it off (have another year to go). He's still making plans with me, we want to go to disney with the kids in Feb, and a road trip in summer 2013. How can he make these plans with me and the kids if he's with OW????!!!!

Even worse, his parents moved in a year ago, father has alzheimers....if we divorce, what happens to them? Such a mess! I feel like breaking down and crying/screaming, but I know I need to find time to talk to him first and see what we can do to try to work all this stuff out if we separate/divorce, and I don't want to tell the kids until it's definite that we do divorce or something. My heart is breaking and I don't think I can ever trust him again....

Thanks for listening,
Kim

[kml]

Awww, Kim - I'm so sorry you're going through this again.

Step back a bit and take a breath first.

First - it does sound like there are tons of stressors (financial, the parents, and yes, fair or not, you "letting yourself go"). NONE of it excuses him having an affair, but it does make it more predictable.

I guess you have to ask yourself - is he a basically good guy who just gets weak in times of trial, or is he a serial cheater who can't be trusted?

I think it's smart of you to get some legal advice - just to see what your options will be. And at this point, you may want to be careful about your moves - ask yourself before saying or doing anything, "Will this get me closer to my goals?"

If your goal is divorce and being free of a cheating spouse, then you may want to keep quiet and not show your hand while you get your financial ducks in a row. You may also want to squirrel away a little emergency escape money for yourself.

Are you caretaking his parents? If so, I know it's a really difficult position, but you need to start thinking about getting work that can support you and your kids in the future.

If, on the other hand, you think you'd be willing to take him back, you may need to shock him out of his fantasyland. Seriously - what would he do if you left with the kids?

Ellie

Ellie

[Cheryl44]

Thanks, Ellie. I just don't know what to do. And it's hard keeping quiet until I figure out what's the best thing to do. I think he is basically a good guy, and works hard for his family, keeping the house up to date, etc., but honestly, how could he do this again??!! Without talking it out with me??!!

So I guess I have to figure out which he is - guy that has trouble handling stress (which has been enormous in the last year), or will he continue to do this if we try to work out again?

Hi mother is healthy and 10 years younger than the dad, so she takes care of him, but she's driving us (both my husband and myself) crazy....she means well, but continuously oversteps her bounds...at times I just want to say to hell with everything, and get an apartment with the kids, but I hate to hurt them and disrupt their lives....but then how good is it for them to see me staying with someone who disrespects me?!

Maybe it will be therapeutic for me to write here...just feel so alone....

[chatterbug]

What where the boundaries you put in place for yourself if he started to cheat again?

Personally I think this is one of those times to just walk.

For a short time. Let him deal with all the responsibilities of the world. Parents, Children, Debt, house. Everything.

Let the full weight of the world fall upon his shoulders.

Then you need to figure out if you want to remain married to a man who you know will cheat. As this is the person he is. When times get difficult he will cheat.

[Cheryl44]

I hear you chatterbug...that's where I'm leaning now. It's so scary taking that leap, but I've been looking at finances, and I think I can swing my house with the kids, if I get some support from H..that's why I want to check out my legal options before I even confront him.

[kml]

Ok - so, if you want to keep the house, obviously you don't want to move out. It's a bummer about the in-laws, that they will have to move somewhere with your H, but you will have enough on your plate as it is. And it's possible that facing the reality (moving out and taking his parents with him) will make him re-think his "fun" little affair.

I think you're smart to get legal advice first. Also, you may want to accumulate incontrovertible proof of his affair, just so he can't gaslight you when the time comes.

[25yearsmlc]

I hear you chatterbug...that's where I'm leaning now. It's so scary taking that leap, but I've been looking at finances, and I think I can swing my house with the kids, if I get some support from H..that's why I want to check out my legal options before I even confront him.

YOU Will get support from him by law. If he is bankrupt, Child support is still to be paid, it's not dischargable in banksruptcy. BUT if he's earning too little, he can effectively pay very little. So only a divorce would force the sale of assets (bet he'd love to hear about how divorce would mean selling the house, b/c if there's no other money, that's that).

And I think having his parents there on his own sounds like something OW will NOT be interested at all in doing...NOR will he enjoy that much.

are you sure you and the kids MUST be the ones to leave? I'm just asking...

and while I RARELY say this, if ever, given the givens, I'd say you need to walk for now AND work on yourself.

There are a ton of stressors and some of this MIGHT be different to me if I were convinced that I'd let myself go, rejected intimacy a lot,

and if this were a brief fling, versus a long term deceit filled "Affair"...

If I got this right, it's more of an ongoing affair, and it's NOT the first time...so chances are it's a pattern for him.

The only leverage you have that MIGHT help generate his fidelity, is that the stressors are mostly on him alone if you leave....

if he were to believe you'd really walk away, and leave him holding the bag, you might start looking better.

But he'll need to know that some things on your end could be better/different.

make sense?



Hard as it is to face, the "letting yourself go" is important for you to admit and to work on. Good for you.

As important as financial and physical security from our men is important to us, the appearance and attractiveness of a wife is super important to our husbands.
Shallow? Perhaps but it's what a long study revealed.

Men want to feel their wives are attractive, and to have "peace in the home"-

and we women want "security" (which means marrying a good provider, who checks out the noise downstairs, and shows up for us) AND fidelity...which is self explanatory.




Keep that up and work on YOU.

DO NOT let the anger consume you. It's unattractive and hurts the cause AND it makes you less available to your kids.

Get A Life asap. Since you read the Div Remedy Book or the Div Busting book, you know what that means.

Get legal counsel, and draw up a financial plan and then decide what you are willing to let happen. Maybe you can separate while paying off the debts. While YOU could declare bankruptcy, he cannot get out of paying support and neither could you. But it MIGHT help-see a bankruptcy lawyer about that if need be.

You may wish to throw down the gauntlet and LISTEN to him lying or crying...

but whatever you threaten, threaten nothing if you are not truly willing to follow through.

You MUST carry out any threats you make - so do NOT make them, until/unless you are sure.

As cruel as this sounds, his parents are NOT your responsibility - now that he's broken his marriage vows again. It's HIS...
I'd project the concept that you are DONE. And I HOPE you'll mean it.

I've seen couples divorce and remarry so it happens. But you can't stay in a marriage where you sacrifice so much for THIS in return? What's that teach your kids about self respect?

I'm not telling you to punish him; I'm talking about expecting some basics to be achieved in a marriage. He had an affair years ago and you BELIEVE he's not had one since then, until now.

What if he says "Fine I love OW"?? Be ready for that.

OR be ready for more lies b/c he may believe it's "best to Deny deny deny" and THEN to blame the other for being crazy or "making things up" or whatever....

Don't tip your hand til you must. Find out before, by talking to the Lawyer. I don't know what state you are in, but in many, adultery has nothing to do with custody or child support.

Again, a session with a lawyer will help you.

There's a good chance he'll have a rude awakening. "Dear h, lose the house AND OR stay here - alone, with your parents, and see the kids when you can...while I'm fine on my own, meeting new people, GAL and not having to worry about your dad OR hearing your mom..."

as much as you may have "let yourself go"/ it's also true he's taken you for granted. So do your work, and release him to his.

I say get in shape and lose some weight and wear make up, buy some nicer clothes and wear perfume, and do all this BEFORE you tell him what's going on. I'd kill him with temptation, being mysterious about your life, being upbeat about it (b/c in many big ways, your life will actually get better if you part ways, which is unusual).

Are his parents paying anything to live there? I hope so although that probably complicates your financial picture. (Does he ever thank you for letting them live there? It speaks well of you).


Find out what the deal is. Knowledge is power. Say nothing to him until you have spoken to a lawyer. You OUGHT to be able to get your answers in one session and THEN you can decide what to do.

Write down the questions BEFORE you get there.

Take notes IF you can do it while still hearing the lawyer speak.


And You must watch those bills so he doesn't spend your money on her.


Good luck.

[Cheryl44]

Thank you so much for the advice and pep talk. These are all things I've said in my head. I started working out about a month ago, and I've lost 8 pounds, so that's a step in the right direction to GAL! Though I have friends now, I've also re-connected with a few single friends I haven't seen in a while, and it feels good.

I don't have to be the one to leave the house, but I'm just thinking I could and would be able to afford it, with the kids. His parents do pay rent (not a lot, but it helps), and she'll give you the shirt off her back if needed. I could see his mom would totally be on my side, and would help me more, if it goes that way.

For lawyers, I have a legal help line I was going to call this am (it's free), just to get some advice, but my sis in law (his brother's wife) is a paralegal. I was thinking of e-mailing her (we're supposed to make plans to get together for breakfast), and I could casually mention in the e-mail that my friends was looking for a divorce lawyer - I think this would be plausuible and she wouldn't suspect that I was asking for me.

When I do finally confront him, I was going to suggest counseling too - even if I don't want to be with him anymore, I think counseling would help our relationship so we could find ways to communicate without hurting the kids.

Last night was so hard...we went to bed at 9:30pm, and I didn't fall asleep until 1:30am. Just trying to remember to take things one day at a time...though I read DR before, that was years ago, so on my way home tonight, I'm picking up a copy at the library.

Thanks again for your advice and for listening - I feel like this is the only outlet I have right now.

[chatterbug]

Don't confront.

Get everything lined up. Do the upfront work on the legal work. Co-parenting plan.

Then take a 2 week vacation from everything. Everything. Then come back.

Then state what your going to do.

This is the 3rd time for you. So this time lead with what you want so that you will be living in a healthy environment.

You can just state simply.

"H. Knowing our history. Knowing that you have poor boundaries with the opposite sex. Knowing that you will openly lie to your family. Knowing that you will brush off my concerns. I have decided that I will no longer be in a marriage full of deceit and lies."

Pause.

"H. I only want to be married to a man who is open, honest and truthful with me and the children. Since you have shown with your actions that you are not capable of this, I am ending this."

Pause.

"I have seeked legal council due to our financial situation and for child support and visitation. Here is the card of my lawyer. Have your lawyer contact them."

"Tomorrow we can sit the children down and explain to them the truth about why our marriage is breaking up and both offer them love and support going forward during these tough times."

"I have a few more items we need to go over but this is enough for today. Lets do this in a civil manor and as quickly as possible."


That would be a leading way to push through this.


People always say they will remain in a marriage for the sake of the children.

But this teaches the children that it is ok to live in a dysfunctional home where both parents live in a lie. Many children become resentful of this environment. It also teaches the cheating spouse that they can do what ever they want with no repercussions. The D card is to protect you and your children from this dysfunctional environment.

They are old enough to be explained the truth and taught some valuable life lessons on boundaries and being truthful and open in a marriage.

Guess what I am getting at is that do not lie or cover up your H's selfish choices that have been consistent throughout your marriage. This is who he is. Better to get this over with now and not have to go through with it again in another 5 to 10 years when he plays the MLC card or some other excuse.

[kml]

Well - I have a slightly different perspective than Chatterbug.

Yes, I agree with getting your ducks in a row legally and financially. And yes, I agree with presenting things in a very matter-of-fact manner, if you do make that decision.

On the other hand - much as you might like the kids to know this is DAD'S fault, that he's a cheater etc - that has fallout on your kids and their relationship with their dad that may not be good for THEM.

My kids unfortunately knew their dad cheated on me, and the angst that that caused them and the anger they still have towards their dad over it, colors many things in their adult lives.