ANGER THREAD - How do YOU deal with it???

[keep_going]

Hello,

I have been toying with an idea for a new thread for some time now and I believe it's time to do it.

I think all of us here are or have experienced ANGER in some shape or form as one of the stages in our grieving process. I have also noticed it has become a very common topic in many of the posts I have read recently, so I thought I would start a thread specifically about ANGER.

I was going to ask about this on my own thread, but thought we could all benefit from talking about it separately and I know I can personally use any good advice.

So this thread is for anyone who is experiencing anger - how do you express it, how do you try to work through it, what techniques work to control or diffuse it, what doesn't work...
Have you taken anger management courses, what does your therapist recommend, anything.

It's also for anyone who has a suggestion for others on what has helped them personally.

It's also for people to share their experiences, express commonalities in their situations and learn from each other.

Finally, it's also for anyone who simply wants to show support to others who struggle with this issue.

I hope many join this thread and that it becomes a useful tool in our recovery and our journey to become the best version of ourselves we can be!

[keep_going]

I think since I started it, I can volunteer my own experience with it...

For those here who know my story, anger has been a HUGE issue in my life and one of the main reasons for the demise of my marriage.

I know that I hide my hurt and fears behind a facade of anger to hide my vulnerability, since that was a no, no in my family while growing up.

I am still struggling with anger and I know it will be something to work on until I die. I have worked on identifying some of the big triggers that cause it, at least in my R with my H.

I have also realized that lack of sleep and exercise really do me in and that I need to be more disciplined about them if I am to be more even-keeled about my emotions.

Yet I still have many challenges and one of them is the ability to walk away when I am already upset. Meaning, it's hard for me to just stop when I am in the middle of an argument with my H and my emotions are getting the best of me. I realize I am angry (and mostly hurt) and I let my emotions run the show.

It's hard to just walk away when I feel someone is hurting me or being unfair to me. How do I get my brain to say: "hey, you are out of control here, you are saying things you will regret later, you are not being fair, just calm down and walk away to cool off."

[MKB23]

My story is similar. I actually know a good many of my triggers.
For me, identifying my physical response has been helpful. I clench my hands, my breathing increases, I clench my jaw.
I also have identified things in my environment that bother me. Noise is the biggest one. Also, just clutter and disorganization bothers me.
I have tried several different things to help me control it. For the most part when I am angry I lash out verbally. I really say some of the most horrible things. I also scream. I don't really physically do anything. It is out of the ordinary to throw things or anything like that. I will slam a door sometimes though.
For me and my M, H would sometimes intentionally push my buttons to get me going. Then I would lash out and he could sit back and say, "See there. Your anger is the problem." So really the biggest benefit for me is not giving him that. It then makes it hard for him to justify some of the things he does. He also has major anger issues. That's another post though.
I actually have asked my kids to tell me when I am getting wound up. Although, honestly, I tell everyone. They just don't seem to listen or care at the time. I will say, Hey I'm getting pissed off. You need to stop. or I'm getting angry. It's not like I just blow up. So I will say those things normally 4-5 times before I blow. They just have no respect for my boundaries and what I am saying. I wish I knew how to change that. I really don't.
Even if I walk away, the nature of kids is to follow. Or at least my kids. The other thing is even if I walk away normally the behavior I am upset about escalates.
Anger is always just a reflection of hurt I think.
Maybe I am going about things wrong. Maybe if I were to say it is really hurting my feelings that you are disrespecting me and continuing to act that way? Maybe I will try that next time and see how it goes. My kids really push my buttons. With them it is the noise but also really just bad behavior. Once they get in their mode it is hard to stop it. My meltdown usually does the trick but hey that's not the most super effective method I have ever seen.

[Soul.Searching]

Do you get angry over little, petty things?
If so why? Is it emotions to do with something else but then something small happens and you just totally over react?

Do you get angry if someone does not do something the way you would have?
Why?

MKB23- You said noise and clutter are big triggers for you. Say for example if there is a big space of clutter and disorganization, will you get angry and say why your angry? Or will you bottle it in and then have it explode about something else? Like something someone says or does? Even if the real reason was the clutter?

[MKB23]

Soul. -- No I am pretty vocal. Although, thinking about it likely I don't say it in a way that will get anything done. Normally, it just comes across as me bitching. But everyone in the house knows all of this. Again, I think more than the noise and the clutter which sort of gets me going it is just the lack of respect when I even mention these things. Often it is little things though, so it isn't like I blow up out of no where. But it will build. I feel it build. I even say it as I said. I actually go so far as to verbalize- I am getting angry, I am really getting angry. Normally my voice gets louder and I get more forceful. By the time I blow up I am screaming and cussing.

I have problems with boundaries. As in setting them. Not just with H but with my kids and pretty much everyone in my life. I say I will do something then I don't follow through.
So that tells me I need to start following through. :-)

I am a people pleaser. Constantly. I will say yes to things even when it creates problems for me. I will do more work even when overwhelmed to help someone else. However, one of my other issues is I am a perfectionist. My H thinks it is control. Maybe it is. Example-Say he has done a chore. Whatever, I will redo it. Or I will go behind him. I also sometimes do too much because I would rather it be done right aka my way. See what I mean? Maybe I am a control freak. I think I am just particular. I dunno.

He also says I always have to be right. He is correct in that. I can be a jerk about it. I don't really mean to be. I guess that comes from always feeling stupid as a kid. So now I am overcompensating and making the people i love feel the same way in the process.

[keep_going]

MK - Thanks for being so open and sharing such personal things. Your posts resonate so much with me...

For me, identifying my physical response has been helpful. I clench my hands, my breathing increases, I clench my jaw.
I also have identified things in my environment that bother me. Noise is the biggest one. Also, just clutter and disorganization bothers me.

I have had a hard time identifying my immediate physical response. I have read a ton about it and know it happens, but I usually realize it after the fact. For instance - I know my heart rate goes up, but realize it after I am already mad. Obviously it started before, I just need to find that precise moment. As for triggers in the environment, I had never even thought about that one. I will have to look into this, thanks!

For the most part when I am angry I lash out verbally. I really say some of the most horrible things.

Same for me... it's all verbal. My H says that when I am angry I can be unbelievably vicious and it gets in the way of resolving misunderstandings and disagreements.
It's hard to admit it, but he is right. I call it verbal diarreah. I often times find myself regretting things I have said, because I really don't mean them. I just say them because I feel hurt and attacked and want to attack back. So primal, irrational and not helpful in any way.

H would sometimes intentionally push my buttons to get me going. Then I would lash out and he could sit back and say, "See there. Your anger is the problem." So really the biggest benefit for me is not giving him that. It then makes it hard for him to justify some of the things he does.

I could have written this ^^^^^ exactly. As a matter of fact, I just had a big argument with my H yesterday. It had been a while since we last had a fight and when we finally talked calmly today, he said "I can see that you are trying, but you still get angry and I just don't believe you can change so our R will never be good." I replied "Thanks for being honest. I want to change for me, but you are giving me more motivation to do so. I still love you and I will prove you wrong. So I will now go back and continue working on myself and time will tell."

And I do really feel more motivated. Everyone can change, everyone.

Maybe I am going about things wrong. Maybe if I were to say it is really hurting my feelings that you are disrespecting me and continuing to act that way? Maybe I will try that next time and see how it goes. My kids really push my buttons.

What has really helped me with my kids is something I copied from my H. He gets down to their eye level and uses a lower than normal, but firm tone of voice either to talk to them about the issue or to give them a warning. I have found it to be a lot more effective than yelling. My kids are also younger, but I also ask them "Would you like it if I treated you that way? Then please don't do that because I don't like it either and it hurts me."

I am a people pleaser. Constantly. I will say yes to things even when it creates problems for me. I will do more work even when overwhelmed to help someone else.

Yep, me too... I am definitely learning to set healthy boundaries there as well and it helps a lot to know and respect my own limitations.

However, one of my other issues is I am a perfectionist. My H thinks it is control. Maybe it is. Example-Say he has done a chore. Whatever, I will redo it. Or I will go behind him.

I am a perfectionist and so is my H. Yet he was the one who would get really controlling about it. He grew up with an alcoholic father and I understand it's quite common for children of alcoholics to have these tendencies. So H would go and re-do things I had done that were not according to his standards. And that would drive me NUTS!! I felt so disrespected and inadequate and would of course get angry back at him. I am now recognizing that his behavior was due to his own issues and am more likely to let it go if he does things like that.

He also says I always have to be right. He is correct in that. I can be a jerk about it. I don't really mean to be.

Both my H and I do this. Imagine how bad our arguments get... Yes, neither of us have good conflict-resolution skills. I can see that now and am working on it. H doesn't even acknowledge he has an issue with it, because "he is right" lol...

Thanks again for posting!

[MKB23]

Interesting - my mother is an alcoholic. Never thought of that as motivation for my perfectionism. Maybe. I do know it is part of my control issues with the environment. Things always felt out of control as a child so now I seek to control what I can. I know this. I'm working on it. I think it's actually okay if done constructively (been doing fly lady) lol
The other thing I got my mouth and nastiness from my mother.

[scaredsilly]

MKB, have you seen a doctor for OCD? it sound like you're experiencing life like someone else i know. he has to wear earplugs around his house because he can't take the noise from his 5 kids.

he also has to be in control and is angry a lot.

have you thought of getting help through some anger management classes?

[labug]

[b]Interesting - my mother is an alcoholic. Never thought of that as motivation for my perfectionism. Maybe. I do know it is part of my control issues with the environment. Things always felt out of control as a child so now I seek to control what I can. I know this. I'm working on it. I think it's actually okay if done constructively (been doing fly lady) lol
The other thing I got my mouth and nastiness from my mother.[b]

This is pretty much the definition of and adult child of an alcoholic. You're a survivor, but the skill you learned to survive don't help much out here in the "real" world.

I feel like the library lady because I'm always suggesting books, but it's all was been the way I learn. As we say at AlAnon take what you can use, leave the rest.

Codependent No More
Struggle For Intimacy by Wotitz

Have you ever thought of attending AlAnon?

[labug]

Just an add one to this^^^

The most hurtful thing my H ever said to me was "You're just like your mother."