I really see my R in that whole convo. The nice guy, non confrontational, emotionally unavailable. I thought my STBXH would turn into a hermit once we split and never find anyone. He did the whole we weren't happy for all of 2010 and when I pointed something out he said that was the one time you were happy.
ANYWAY, it's funny how intuitively we can see what's going to happen or know in advance in a way. Like you said I'm glad you had the convo, got some clarity or answers, or at least got a convo rolling out in the open.
People often accuse their partners of being "controlling." Some people ARE controlling. However, show me a marriage where one spouse is considered controlling and I will show you a marriage where the other spouse often fails to take a strong stand on things that are important to him or her OR simply stuffs feelings inside so the "controlling" spouse remains in the dark. If someone is in the dark about their partners' true feelings, they can't take those feelings into account. If you have a "controlling spouse," learn how to stand your ground or draw a line in the sand. Divorce doesn't solve the problem. Working on it does.
And the angels sang!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Bug- I really don't know what to say. I KNOW deep in my heart that you can handle anything that comes at you. More than anything else, I wish you peace.
Thanks for this too:
Breathe! I have no control over other people. Work on me, Work on me, Work on me Slow-down, nothing need be decided right now. Think for 48 hours before acting (unless your house is on fire) Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries Don't tolerate crap behavior because you think that's what DBing is. Read the book again! Discover, uncover your authentic self and be that person!
You're right, getting past fear and letting go of outcomes is key. My fingers had to be pried one by one off the hold I had on "the way things are supposed to be" but now I feel very free.
Bug I am so happy that you are feeling better today. :-) It put a smile on my face to read that.
I like how you phrased the above. I feel like I am doing that now...prying my fingers off the hold...one by one.
You are so brave. I admire you so.
Busting.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
People often accuse their partners of being "controlling." Some people ARE controlling. However, show me a marriage where one spouse is considered controlling and I will show you a marriage where the other spouse often fails to take a strong stand on things that are important to him or her OR simply stuffs feelings inside so the "controlling" spouse remains in the dark. If someone is in the dark about their partners' true feelings, they can't take those feelings into account. If you have a "controlling spouse," learn how to stand your ground or draw a line in the sand. Divorce doesn't solve the problem. Working on it does.
And the angels sang!
Oh yes they did! Then they printed this out for me to hang on my fridge as a reminder that although I am at fault, I share the blame.
All Soul's Day was Fri, the day I had the R talk with H.
I'm not a religious person and I don't believe that spirits visit us (I also don't quarrel with people who believe they do)-I believe we carry the spirits of those we love who have passed in our bodies. They are forever a part of us.
My Dad's family was Catholic so I had a bit of an introduction to the Day and now living in the southwest for all these years I've really gotten to know more about Dia de los Muertos. The parade here was last night and although I've never gone (loser) the photos are always amazing. People take great care with their costumes and sugar skull makeup and the spirit world has been very active in these parts this last week.
I realized on Sat that last week was the 10th anniversary of my Dad's passing. He and I had a special bond, and I really felt his presence when I came home on Friday night and had a good cry. He would want so much better for me.
I wish I had thought to put out his favorite food-chocolate.
Thanks, Dad.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Just read about your R talk. I makes me wonder. This could be any of us in 18 months. We never really know if what we're doing is going to get us our S back but one thing is sure, what you've been doing for 18 months has made you the woman who can face this situation head on. I know you'll be fine.
All the best,
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
its been awhile my friend.. i caught up a bit with you now. the ups and downs are so tough. the ride is no fun. the thing that i am amazed by is your ability to handle it in a pro active way. sure we all have the sad times. its how we deal with them that matters. you deal with things in such an honorable way. you put your words down in a way that touches my heart everytime. i have learned so much from you. thank you. from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
i know i am not the model DBer, yet you never gave up on me. you stuck with me through my denseness and inability to understand things. it's funny cuz you told me one day i would get it..lol well, im still a bit dense but the fog has lifted.
i am proud of you! you figure things out and put them down here for others. i hope that this finds you in good spirits! oh, btw.. i was posting to brit and i realized something. i am no longer heartbroke. i am no longer the persona of Dakota that i had to be in order to help shield myself. i used it for a good reason until i felt emotionally safe inside myself. projecting who i wanted to be, so to speak. the funny thing is, who i wanted to be, is exactly who i am. who i have become...ME!!
