I think I may have made a mistake. I'm needing advice on how to proceed.
About a month ago my D and I replaced the lock on the front door to our house. It was not because of H. The door was sticking so badly that it would lock us out half the time,even with a key. When my H came to pick up his passport, he asked if I was going to give him a new key. I told him no. I reminded him that he walked out on his family and chose for our house not to be his home anymore. Plus, every time he would come over and then leave, my Ds would completely fall apart. They would be devastated all over again. I was the one who was there to pick up the pieces. It was horrible. He would just walk away without any responsibility. He won't be back in the country for another week and a half. Should I give him a key?
TJP, As a rule on the forum, we stick to one thread when posting so that you, as well as the readers can follow your situation.
To your mlcing h, it looks like you deliberately changed the lock while he was gone. Unfortunately, no matter how many times you tell him that you changed it because it was sticking, he will not believe you. Why? Because he is paranoid and thinks you are keeping from him from having free access to the home whenever he wants. No matter why you changed the lock, he needs to face the consquences of his actions and boy, it's going to hurt like heck for him not to be able to do whatever he wants.
So, I'll respond to your question here. No, I wouldn't give him a key. Why, should he have access to come and go whenever he wants when he doesn't live there any longer? Let me ask you this...did he give you a key to where he's living? If he continues to ask about a key, you might want to point out that you don't have one to his new residence and that you would be more than willing to give him a key when he gives you one to his new residence. That should back him up a bit.
I also want to remind you that once you set boundaries, you need to follow through. You told him no about the key, so stick to your decision. When you begin to waffle, he will then no that he can threaten, bully or even sweet talk you into backing down on any boundary you put in place.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Check the laws where you live. He might be legally entitled to a key if he still holds title on the house and you do not have a binding agreement in place that says you are the sole resident. By not giving him one you could be breaking the law.
And Snodderly is absolutely right...if you set boundaries you must stick to them. Just make sure it's legal.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
In my state, I had to ensure that all of his "personal" belongings were not in the house and then I could change the locks. Does he have a new mailing address? That was another factor for me to change the locks.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for the advice. I'm not going to give him a key. He has not made any contact with me in about three weeks. Nothing. My Ds decided last Sunday to stop communicating with him. It was their decision, NOT mine. I didn't ask them to do it. My OD is upset from emails that she got from my H last month. YD finally had enough last weekend. She cant forgive him right now for missing some of her senior year things. So, H has been cut off by his family. The only other people that know about our situation, is our best friend couple. The H of the couple is my H best friend, plus they work together. I talked with the friend this past weekend and he hasn't heard hardly anything from my H. When he does, it's just business. My H has been out of the country for 3 weeks. He was emailing with YD up until she didn't respond to his last email. H hasn't emailed OD for a few weeks because OD (20) told him the truth about what he was doing to her life. He doesn't like the truth.
Oh BTW, the Halloween party was great! OD came home for the weekend. YD had a few hours that she completely forgot about her troubles and had a good time with her friends.
I'm glad the party was great and your YD had fun w/her friends.
Mlcers have such a wonderful way of screwing things up w/their childen. It really is sad that they are missing out on their children's lives and activities that can't be done over because they missed out. He will have to work out his relationship w/your daughters all by his lonesome.
A word of advice, you may not want to be discussing your h and his activities w/your friend's h that works w/him. You are putting him in an uncomfortable situation by asking him about your h. Just my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have sadly had to push my relationship to the side with our friends. I did realize that it wasn't fair to them to be in the middle. They have been very supportive and don't understand what and why my H is doing what he is. Our friends came to the Halloween party. I talked with them about how I didn't want to put stress on them. They have seen a difference in my behavior towards them the past couple weeks. They both texted me about a week ago to ask if they had done something wrong, if I was upset or mad. These are two people who my H and I have done almost everything with. We've been on vacations together. Our girls have grown up together. I was the only person besides the H who was in the delivery room with their youngest D. I know they want to be involved in both our lives. It just feels different now. It's hard to be around them w/o my H. Knowing that my friend gets to hug him when he goes to their house for dinner, when he's in town, just kills me. I try to remember that it's not just me and my H effected by all this. It's hurt everyone that knows.
I'm sure it's felt strange to be around them, but you can still be friends w/them just as long as you don't put them in the middle of the situation w/your h. If you find that they feel uncomfortable discussing your h, then you need to change the topic of conversation.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I guess we're all trying to get answers that only my H knows. They are very confused as well. I've made it a point lately to not discuss H with them. But, when they do ask if I've heard from him, I do give an update. They both FB, email,and call my Ds about different things. Our H friend has been stepping in as a "father figure" for them. He feels like he should and wants to. He loves them too. He has also been helping with things that go wrong around the house. That has bothered me lately. It just makes me so sad. My H should be here doing all those things. I stopped telling my friends about problems with the house. I can honestly say that I was not looking forward to seeing them this past weekend. It's horrible that I felt that way and I am very ashamed. But, once they settled in at the party, we were doing ok. It still didn't feel the same as it used to. I really hate the fact that my H decisions and behavior effect my life in so many ways.
